Why Sailor Pluto Hates The Bet
by P.H. Wise
Summary: Ranma, Sailor Moon, Evangelion. It involves ancient curses, Sailor Senshi, giant robots, Demon Queens, and people who always have their hands steepled in front of their mouths to save on the cost of animation.
1. Prologue AKA Flimsy Rationalization

Ranma 1/2: Why Sailor Pluto Hates The Bet  
-Prologue-

Herein lies the prologue, also known as the flimsy rationalization for why all this can occur!

-----------------------

Toltiir, the God of mischief, had an unusual visitor. This was not an odd thing in itself: he had been getting quite a few unusual visitors since he'd started The Bet. But The Bet was long over at this point and though a few random deities still came by every now and then to try their hand at creating a timeline, he had never expected this.

All it took was one glance at his visitor. Such is usually the case with Things That Should Not Be, you know. All it took was one glance to cause the poor cat deity to degenerate into babbling. "Waaaa!" he cried, "Ia nytalhlya waughnar pnak!"

Cthulhu grimaced. Oh, cut that out, will you? it sent telepathically to the screaming cat-god, It's annoying enough getting that sort of reaction from mortals.

"Oh, right," said Toltiir, seemingly recovering from the depths of madness in the blink of an eye. "Sorry about that. Er... right. So what brings you to this neck of the woods?"

Cthulhu gestured towards the pool with its many tentacles.

"Oh." Toltiir shook his head. "Sorry, the Bet has been over for quite a while now."

Cthulhu warbled at Toltiir.

"Nothing personal, Lhu, but I just can't let you make your own entry. Sorry."

The great Cthulhu pondered the situation for a moment.

Toltiir waited patiently.

At length, Cthulhu spoke (so to speak, heh heh heh): I'm going to make you an offer you can't refuse.

"Hmm?"

If you let me make my own bet entry, I will agree to eat you last.

Toltiir thought about it for a moment. "... well, since you put it THAT way, how can I say no?"

Despite the fact that it did not have the necessary equipment to do so, Cthulhu gave every appearance of smirking in a manner that was far too smug for its own good. We are agreed, then.

"So what change did you have in mind?" asked the God of Mischief.

I was thinking something like... this. said Cthulhu as it brushed the surface of the pool with a few slimy tendrils.

As the ripples spread outwards, Toltiir's eyes went wide. "For the love of all that's holy...!" he exclaimed, not quite willing to believe the change that the Elder Thing had made.

But the change had been made, and it was too late to stop it now. Toltiir could only watch in horror as, within the pool, the Yggdrasil system was 'upgraded' to Windows 2000.

That was when all hell broke loose.

--- END OF PROLOGUE ---

Hey, there have been flimsier rationalizations, haven't there?

12/31/05 – I am reposting the entire series after an accident found the entire thing deleted from (gah). As I repost, I shall be editing and revising. Here goes nothing!


	2. Here's AyanaHHHHHRanma

Ranma 1/2: WHY SAILOR PLUTO HATES THE BET  
by P.H. Wise

Episode 1: Here's AyanaHHHHHRanma

Ranma arrives in Nerima! But what does Queen Beryl have to do with all of this? And who is the mysterious Giovannite?

-------------------

A girl and a panda, fighting in the rain

A panda and a girl, fighting in the rain

We've seen this sight before, yes indeed.

We are not at all unfamiliar with this scene.

Punch-block-kick-dodge-dodge-sweep-stomp-kick-jump-block-punch-block-

jump-kick-punch.

niar eht ni gnithgif ,adnap a dna lrig A

niar eht ni gnithgif ,lrig a dna adnap A

Backwards, forwards, and yes, even with our eyes closed.

ia cthulhu ry'leh ftaughn... coughs oh wait, I'm getting ahead of myself. My apologies. Now, where was I? Ah yes, the girl and the panda. We've all seen it before, yes. A red-haired, blue-eyed girl with a pigtail. Or a black-haired, blue-eyed girl with a pigtail, depending on who you ask. Of COURSE she doesn't REALLY have red hair, right? That would be too weird, and people would comment, right?

Well, this IS Nerima...

We may have seen this before; the residents of Nerima, however, have not. At least not in this particular timeline. Perhaps they MIGHT have seen it the last time the wheel of time hit this point, but surely by now the tale of the events have faded to legend, and legend has faded to myth, and things which ought not to have been forgotten have been lost.

Girl.

Panda.

Rain.

Punch-block-kick-block-jump-kick-block-kick-turn-walk-away-grab-sign-whack-over-head.

Ouch.

If you will pay more than a cursory glance to this oh so familiar scene, you will see that there are... differences. This particular girl does not have the red hair and blue eyes that we have come to expect from this sort of thing. No indeed, this girl seems the reverse image of the one we are used to seeing. Blue hair tied back in a pig-tail, blood-red eyes, and pale skin. She's wearing the standard Chinese clothes - red silk shirt, black pants, black slippers. Nothing else seems different about her. Red eyes. Blue hair. Curious.

Sometimes change comes slowly. Sometimes all at once. Yet this change comes more often than not as the result of a grand design. The wheel weaves as the wheel wills, it is said, and woe be it to any mortal who attempts to stand in its way. What we see as something new is really something decided upon long ago. What we think is our own free will is really only the most recent event in the chain of causality and/or fate, the will of God, and occasionally yesterday's oatmeal. You've heard this before, right? Let me tell you a secret. Put your ear right up to your monitor as I whisper it to you: The wheel weaves as the wheel wills, it's true, but sometimes you just have to thumb your nose at the wheel, rip the web of the ages asunder, hack into the Yggdrasil system, change things however you damn well please and then laugh like a maniac as you shout out from the rooftops, "How's THAT for Calvanistic Determinism!"

It all begins that fateful day, far away, where a girl and a panda were fighting in the rain.

At the Tendo residence

A beginning is a very delicate time; very much the time for taking the most delicate care to ensure that the balances are correct. If you're closer to tick, everyone dies and the Shadows will rule the universe for ever and a day. If you're closer to tock, the lawyers will nail your ass for plagiarism, claiming that you lifted large portions of your text directly from Dune and Babylon 5.

High on the mountain known as Fuji, a wind began to blow. The wind was not the beginning, for there are neither beginnings nor

endings on the wheel of time (except for THE beginning, if it exists, but let's not go into that. Trying to think of a time before eternity will only make your head hurt). But it was a beginning. The wind blew down the mountain, over the hikers who were climbing its snowy face, down across the plains, through the city of Tokyo, and into the yard of the home that belonged to the Tendo family, stirring gentle ripples in the koi pond that graced the area. Oh, right, I ripped Wheel of Time, too. We can't forget that, now can we? But I digress.

Tendo Soun sat looking at that very koi pond, a small post-card held his hands. No, you didn't read that wrong. The post card was actually holding Soun's hands. It was most likely an evil possessed post card bent on draining his energy for the greater glory of the Negaverse (an American worker's union for Youma, Cardians, Droids, Phages and what not). All possession an energy draining aside, Soun was having some small difficulty at that moment. Tears were streaming from his eyes as he attempted quite unsuccessfully to control his emotions. Perhaps he could be excused for this: all his hopes and dreams for the future were on the verge of being fulfilled. Soon, the Tendo legacy would be secure. The key to it all was what the post-card heralded. And what was written on that all important post-card?

'Ranma o tsurete iku Chugoku ni te Saotome dayo-n.'

For those of us who don't know Japanese, that would be, 'Hi. Bringing Ranma from China. Saotome.'

"R-Ranma? Coming here?" asked the emotionally overwhelmed Tendo patriarch. He glanced at the post card, turned it around to see the panda on the other side, then flipped it back to the side holding the text. It was still there. This was no illusion. "Oh, how I've waited for this day!" he cried, barely able to contain his enthusiasm. He rushed off straight away to find his daughters to tell them the wonderful news. Unfortunately, that was when the exhaustion from having all his energy drained by the evil possessed post card kicked in. Without taking more than a step or two towards where he thought his daughters would be, Soun fainted.

"Nabiki!" Kasumi called upon discovering her unconscious father.

"Mmn?" Nabiki responded, poking her head out of her room.

"Father has fainted again. Can you get Akane while I check if he has a fever or not?"

And so it was that, despite the incident with the life-sucking post card, Tendo Akane was found in the dojo by her sister Nabiki, who walked in just in time to see Akane smash a cinder-block with her bare hands.

A short time later

"FIANCÉ?"

Rain fell gently outside as the Tendo family met to discuss the issue.

"Yes. The son of a very good friend of mine. The son's name is Ranma Saotome. If one of you three girls were to marry him and carry on this training center, then the Tendo family legacy would be secure."

"Wait a minute!" said Akane, growing angry. "Don't we have some say in who we marry?"

"Akane's right, Daddy," said Kasumi, "We've never even MET Ranma."

Soun laughed. "That's easily fixed."

"Is he cute?" asked Nabiki.

"How old is he?" asked Kasumi. "Younger men bore me. What kind of guy is Ranma?"

"No idea." Soun replied.

"No idea?" Nabiki echoed, not entirely believing that she had heard her father correctly.

"I've never met him."

A few minutes later, their relative peace (read: VERY relative, pun unashamedly intended) was shattered by the cry of a young voice that bore no small resemblance to Hayashibara Megumi trying to speak like a young man. "LEGGO, Y'OL' FOOL!" cried Hayashibara Megumi - or so Nabiki thought it was. She was already thinking of ways she could capitalize off of having such a well known Seiyuu visit their dojo when a panda burst into the room carrying a small squirming (and kicking) bundle. "Hey! Yo! You're scaring 'em spitless!" yelled the bundle (who, for the terminally brain-dead or for those who have never heard of Ranma 1/2 was actually a person being carried on the panda's shoulder).

"Daddy..." Kasumi began, "THIS... is your FRIEND?"

Soun shook his head vigorously.

"Oh," said Nabiki, who was quite disappointed when it became obvious that neither the panda nor the squirming bundle was Hayashibara Megumi. "So this panda just decided to visit then! Happens all the time!"

Without further delay, the panda deposited its squirming passenger on the ground in front of the rather nonplused Tendo family. On the plus side, said passenger was cute. On the minus side (or perhaps also on the plus side, depending on who you asked), said passenger was quite obviously female, and a very odd looking one at that. Clad in an oversized red silk Chinese style shirt and a pair of equally oversized black silk pants, with pale white skin, blood-red eyes, and blue hair tied back in a pigtail, the girl was... well, probably going to fit right in. This was Nerima, after all.

"You wouldn't be..." Soun said, trailing off. He couldn't bring himself to complete the question.

The girl looked at him without emotion. "I'm Saotome Ranma," she said.

The universe held its breath with the expectation of something more... but nothing came. There was no 'sorry about this.' Only Ranma. Not sorry. She's Ranma Saotome. She's sorry about this. That's the way it goes, right? Not this time, apparently.

Meanwhile, in the deeper levels of hell, Lucifer glared out at the frozen landscape around him. Up until several minutes earlier, everything as far as the eye could see had been a lake of fire in which the souls of the damned dwelt in eternal torment. Unfortunately for Luci-chan, it seemed that a certain two alumni of the University of Washington had finally engaged in sexual intercourse. As a result, the souls of the damned, instead of writhing in agony, were building snowmen and having snowball fights.

'When I find out who forgot to keep the rate of expansion equal to the rate of soul influx,' Lucifer thought, feeling downright surly, 'there will be Hell to pay.'

Soun fainted immediately, though I cannot say whether it was on account of Ranma's failure to give his cliched apology, or from the fact that the aforementioned alumni of the University of Washington had finally been proven wrong in regards to the theorized exothermic nature of Hell.

Back at the Tendo-ke, the next few events, alas, went more or less as one would expect them to. You all know the words, so feel free to sing along.

"You want to be friends? Let's fight in the dojo!".

Charge. Punch. Jump. Kick. Splits-in-midair.

Punch. Lean. Kick. Lean.

"This time for real!"

Charge. Punch. Jump. CRACK! Flip. Tap. Laugh.

"I'm glad you're a girl. I'd hate to lose to a boy."

The Chorus joins in: "She's glad you're a girl! She'd hate to lose to a boy! Yes she'd hate to lose to a boy! Oh she'd haaaaaaaaate yes she'd haaaaaaate, yes she'd hate she'd hate hate hate to lose to a BOY!"

"Kasumi? Who's that old guy?"

"Got me, Imouto-chan"  
"Wouldn't you like to take a bath, Ranma?"

"No. It's OK."

"No it's not. You must be all sweaty from your workout!"

The door opens.

Black-haired pig-tailed boy sees girl.

Girl sees boy.

Black-haired pig-tailed boy sees girl.

Girl sees boy.

The door opens, yes.

The door opens and both boy and girl are naked.

Boy and girl are naked.  
"PERVERT!"

The Chorus joins in again: "PERVERT, PERVERT, PERVERT, Akane cries! Pervert, Pervert, pervert, Akane cries! See the fury arise! See the snakes that she rears, how they hiss in the air! And the sparkles that flash in her eyes, and the spar - - - - - kles, the sparkles that flash in her eyes!"

This, of course, brings us to our final cadence, which goes from V7/V to I64 V I with the Soprano line singing the tonic on the final note! Everyone cheer! Let's hear it for Perfect Authentic Cadences!

and then...  
"I'm Saotome Ranma."

But he's not sorry about this.

And with that, Akane dropped the stone statue that she had been about to clobber the pervert with.

"Daddy, why are you friends with them?" Kasumi asked as the family and their guests discussed the situation. The Tendos were definitely not impressed by their gender and species changing guests.

"They weren't like this before!" Soun insisted. "Not before they went to China... and undertook that terrifying training exercise!"

"Ah yes," said the panda. Wait, no, it was Genma. Wait, it WAS the panda, but he had used hot water to transform back to his true form; that of a fat and balding martial artist in a ratty Gi with a bandanna tied over his head in an effort to hide his baldness, otherwise known as Genma Saotome, Ranma's father. "It was two fateful weeks ago..."

--- FLASHBACK ---

Mt Quanjing, Bayankala range, Qinghai province, China

"Here sir. Is legendary "training ground of accursed springs."

That was the guide, who was dressed in green and wearing a cap with a red star in the center.

"Are you prepared, Ranma?" Genma asked his son. Both were clad in gis that seemed somewhat the worse for wear, and both wore backpacks. They stood at the edge of a valley filled with countless pools of water, each with several bamboo poles sticking up out of them

at regular intervals.

"This place isn't so impressive." said Ranma as he and his father placed their backpacks on the ground.

"You is very strange one, no?" said the guide. "This place very dangerous. Nobody use now. Is more than one hundred spring here, and every one have own tragic legend!"

They ignored the guide. The guide was not suprised by this, of course. People rarely listened to him. Still, he was hoping that maybe someday at least ONE person might listen to him. He was also hoping to win the lottery someday. Neither were likely.

"Ranma, follow me!" Genma cried as he leaped from the ground up to one of the poles.

Ranma was right behind him.

"Ah! Sir! What you doing? Very bad if you fall in spring!"

The two exchanged blows, leaping from pole to pole in an impressive display of martial arts skill. For a moment the guide dared to hope that maybe they were skilled enough to avoid taking the plunge... but there was no such luck. Ranma flipped over one of his father's kicks and delivered a kick of his own to the back of the old man's head. Down he went into the pool below them.

"Gotcha." said Ranma as he landed gracefully on the top of one of the bamboo poles.

For a long moment, nothing happened. And then... a panda leaped from the spring that Ranma's father had fallen into. Apparently he was not aware of the change that he had undergone, as he continued to fight as if nothing had happened. Understandably, Ranma was somewhat nonplused by the fact that his father had fallen into the pool and a panda wearing a gi came out. He expressed his confusion quite eloquently, all things considered. "Wha? Wha? Wha?" he asked, pointing at the figure of the panda, an expression of outright disbelief on his face.

"That is 'Spring of Drowned Panda!' the guide yelled, "There is tragic legend, very tragic, of panda who drown there two thousand ear ago! Now whoever fall in that spring... take body of panda!"

Ranma gaped at the guide, completely not comprehending what was being said to him. That sort of thing didn't happen!

But the panda, alas, did not wait for Ranma to return his attention to the fight. It leaped at the young pig-tailed boy, and with

a quick swipe of its paws, sent him flying towards another spring.

Ranma went under with a tremendous splash.

"Oh no!" cried the guide, "Not Ayanami-nichuan! The spring of sealed Demon-Queen! There is very tragic legend, very tragic, of demon-queen who destroy kingdom of the moon ten thousand year ago today! All die, but Moon-Queen seal Demon-Queen in spring! Now whoever fall in that spring..." the guide thought about it for a moment, and then just shrugged. "I no know what happen to whoever fall in THAT spring. No one ever fall in it before."

Ranma surfaced. Ranma became aware of his new body. Blue hair.

Red eyes. Pale skin. Breasts.

"UAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!" she screamed, rather like Shinji did when he laid eyes on the shattered remains of Eva02 in the End of

Evangelion.

You know, hearing Shinji scream like that was perhaps my favorite moment in that entire movie. If only he could have suffered more. Better yet, if only he could have died horribly. I would have had him killed off by the soldiers sent in by Seele. Preferably earlier, actually. I would then have had Asuka's Eva go berserk and wipe the floor with those other Evas, tearing them limb from limb and saving the world (and thwarting the evil plans of a man named Anno). By the way, you shouldn't read the preceeding paragraph if you haven't seen the End of Evangelion yet. Now where was I... ah yes. Ranma was screaming.

As she screamed the water began to boil. Her red eyes took on an unearthly glow as she floated into the air. "POP!" she shouted angrily, "You've screwed me over for the last time!"

Genma wasn't sure how his son had learned how to do such things, but he knew when it was time to run away. He took off like a rocket.

"GET BACK HERE, POP, SO I CAN KILL YOU!" Ranma shrieked, her voice taking on a resonance that shook the very earth beneath her feet...

--- END FLASHBACK ---

"And after he fell into what the guide identified as the Spring of Drowned Girl, Ranma fainted like a sissy! After that, we set out for Japan, having completed our training trip."

"What? He turned into a girl and then you just went home?" Nabiki asked, somehow doubting that things would have ended like that.

Ranma glared at Genma.

Genma swallowed and glanced nervously at the boy beside him. "Um, yep. That's exactly what happened."

"The legendary training ground of accursed springs." said Soun, looking dreadfully serious and filling his words with a pretentious sense of grave importance, "Its true horror has always been shrouded in mystery. But now..."

"Feh." said Ranma, "Whaddya mean, 'true horror?'" He grabbed his father by the gi. "Yo, old man, what's the big idea draggin' me to a place like that, anyway?"

Genma promptly threw his son into the koi pond. "You sound like a woman!" he proclaimed, "Were you not prepared to give your life for the sake of your training?"

"My life, yes." said Onna-Ranma, grabbing a bucket and filling it with water from the pond, which she promptly threw at Genma. Instant panda. "My MANHOOD is another story!"

From there, the scene degenerated into violence.

------------------

Within a dark throne room, a queen gazed into the crystal ball set before her throne, attended by nearly a hundred courtiers and assorted servants. The ball was mounted on a scepter which floated in the air in front of her, making impressive 'wooomWOOOMwooomWOOOM' noises as it bobbed ever so slightly up and down, much like the noise of the warp core of the Starship Enterprise, which will not be appearing in this story (hopefully). The queen had strange features - pointed ears, small horn-like protrusions on her shoulders, and claw-like fingernails. Her hair was long and red, and she was clad in a very slinky dress. Her hands were steepled in front of her face, concealing her facial expressions as she peered out at her court.

"Giovannite, I command you to appear before me!" she proclaimed.

The man in question appeared before his queen in a swirl of light. He was fairly young, maybe 16 or so, and has short blonde hair parted in the center. He, unlike the queen, was not clad in a slinky dress, for which I think we can all breathe a sigh of relief. Rather, he was clad in a rather tasteless gray uniform that bore a suspicious resemblance to the male uniform of the Japanese school system, save that its buttons went diagonally down the side from the middle and ended about mid-torso instead of going straight up and down the middle of the coat.

"I come as you have commanded, Queen Beryl." he said.

"Giovannite, I have a mission for you. I have felt the stirrings of the demon-queen. The time is nearly upon us to let loose the 16 youma upon the world! To prepare for this, I want you to go to earth - to Tokyo, of course - to gather the energy that we will need to let loose the demon-queen."

Giovannite bowed deeply. "Of course my queen. And if I might say so, you are looking especially radiant tonight. I would be most grateful if you would allow me to taste of thine lips ere I go..." He moved closer to her, and despite the fact that he was standing and she sitting, she was still taller than him. Looking directly into her eyes, he moved forward... and was blasted backwards by a tremendous wave of force.

"You weren't trying to add ME to the list of women that you've kissed, were you? Explain yourself, Giovannite, or I shall destroy you where you stand," said Queen Beryl, who had not moved her hands from the position of being steepled in front of her face.

"Of course I wasn't trying to do THAT! Um, I was... uh... just trying to demonstrate my plan! Uh... er... humans put a great deal of energy into the idea of kissing! I'm going to harvest it! And it shall involve... um... ice-skating and mortal combat.. uh, yeah. That's it!"

Queen Beryl looked at Giovannite thoughtfully. Her hands were steepled in front of her face. "Interesting plan, Giovannite. I look forward to seeing the fruit of your success - the kissing energy of countless hapless humans!"

"Hai, Queen Beryl!" said Giovannite as he vanished in a swirl of light, unable to quite believe that she had bought it. On the downside, this meant that he now had to actually carry it out... which wasn't quite so good. Oh well. Perhaps he could start at Furinkan high school. He was fairly sure that one of the other generals attended school there, so perhaps he could enlist some aid from them.

Yeah, right.

As Giovannite vanished, Queen Beryl smirked. 'Always give them just enough rope to hang themselves with, that's my motto.' It was then that she began to laugh (and quite lucidly, thank you very much).

-------------------

Back at the Tendo home, alas, things had not gone well.

Akane had been chosen to be Ranma's fiancee, and was not pleased with this arrangement, nor was she pleased with the fact that Ranma had walked in on her in the bath. After she called Ranma a pervert for having seen her in the nude. Ranma pointed out that Akane walked in on 'him.' Akane then replied that it's different when a girl sees a boy.

That was when Ranma demonstrated another amazing ability, beyond even his martial arts and his curse: the ability to, no matter how awkward the angle or how impossible it may seem, send his foot directly into his mouth. "It's no big deal for me to see a naked girl. I mean, I've seen myself plenty of times, right? And I'm better built to boot."

Table, Ranma. Ranma, table. Douzo yuroshiku!

SMASHSMASHSMASHSMASH

From beneath the table that Akane had so rudely introduced her

to, Onna-Ranma twitched slightly, her pinkie and forefinger extended in

Takahashi pose number 36.

"Oh, don't mind Akane," said Kasumi as Ranma awoke later that evening, a cheerful smile on her face, "She's really a very sweet girl. She's just a violent maniac."

Ranma shook her head incredulously, looking at Kasumi as if she'd sprouted a third eye (ominous thunder booms in the background). "Um... right."

--- END EPISODE ONE ---

SAILOR SAYS!

"Today on Why Sailor Pluto Hates The Bet, we learned that girl-type Ranma has blue hair and red eyes! We also learned that Akane likes to hit people with large objects (though they usually deserve it). But what exciting adventures await our hero/heroine? Is Giovannite REALLY going to try to harvest KISSING energy? Stay right there, and I'll show you!"

Next: When Moon-cats Attack!

------------------------

Yay! I got the obligatory 'meeting with the Tendos' episode out of the way! With that taken care of, I can actually start on what I had in mind when I thought this thing up:p

Comments? Criticisms? Do you like it? Love it? Hate it? Let me know!

Let's keep it civil, please. Flames will be laughed at. MSTies will

also be laughed at, but in an entirely different manner than flames.


	3. When MoonCats Attack!

Ranma 1/2: WHY SAILOR PLUTO HATES THE BET  
by P.H. Wise

--- DISCLAIMER --- 

I don't own Ranma. I don't own Evangelion. I don't own Sailor Moon. I don't own the Antediluvians. I don't own a pair of rubber pants, either, so stop asking.

--- END DISCLAIMER ---

Episode 2: When Moon-Cats Attack!

-Or-

The cat, the demon-queen, and the tomboy

-------------------

The sun rose blood red that morning, its angry rays casting their darkened glare upon the whole city of Nermia, its light making it seem as though the entire district covered in blood. While ordinarily there would have been birds chirping and flying about. Today, while there WERE birds flying about, they weren't chirping. Crows and ravens rarely chirp, you know. The carrion-fowl cawed harshly to one another, circling the city in search of an easy meal. In the distance, one could make out bright flashes of light coming from the Tokyo Tower as the Antediluvians duked it out, their every blow sending off massive shockwaves of power as the Technocracy prepared to nuke the site from orbit. In the meantime, the entire population of the Beast Courts of Japan was converging on the site, every last one of them in their crinos-form equivalent. Boiling seas! Fire raining from the sky! Dogs and cats living together! Complete chaos!

Of course, all of that was happening in the city of Nermia, which has absolutely nothing to do with our story, seeing as how it takes place in the city of Nerima. Oh, did I say city? I meant district, of course. Everyone knows that Nerima isn't a city in itself, but rather a district of Tokyo, RIGHT? glances significantly at certain Ranma fanfic authors who shall go unnamed

In any case, the residents of Nerima probably wouldn't have noticed even if Gehenna HAD been taking place on their doorsteps. Certainly not Ranma, in any case. No, Ranma had other more pressing matters on his mind. What, you ask, could be a matter more pressing than the end of the world? Why, the thing that all teenagers dread. That institution which sucks the very life out of your body, reduces your mind to mush, and makes you wish that you were not counted among the living.

"School?" Otoko-Ranma asked, seeming somewhat nonplussed. "I have to go to school?" He sat at the kitchen table with his father and the Tendos. They had just finished breakfast, and he was none too pleased with Genma's pronouncement. "You're kidding, right?"

"Well," said his father, "we ARE going to be staying awhile."

"It's the same school me and Akane go to!" said Nabiki as she grabbed her bag and headed towards the front gate. "We'll see you there!"

"Nabiki!" Akane called, rising to her feet and scrambling for her own bag, "Wait! I'll go with you!"

"What're you talking about?" Nabiki asked, "Ranma is your fiancé, remember? You should walk him to school!"

Akane looked at Ranma, and Ranma looked right back, his face oddly expressionless.

Several minutes later, the two were on their way to school; Akane walking along on the sidewalk and Ranma using the fence that went alongside the canal. It would have been a fairly uneventful trip, too, had not Ranma, right in the middle of showing off (it's balance practice, really it is!), gotten right in front of an old woman who was in the middle of washing an enormous bloodstain off of the sidewalk in front of her home. A splash of cold water later Ranma had gone from a handsome pig-tailed teenaged boy with black hair and blue eyes to a gorgeous pig-tailed teenaged girl with pale skin, blue hair, and red eyes.

Ranma's eye twitched slightly.

Akane shook her head incredulously. In the less than twenty four hours that she had known Ranma, he had somehow managed to get splashed almost thirty times already. It seemed that he couldn't last more than a few minutes in guy form without getting splashed somehow, no matter how impossible the angle or how unlikely the situation might seem. "Come on," she said, "let's go."

Onna-Ranma looked at Akane, her expression blank.

"What?" Akane asked, growing slightly annoyed.

"Do you think I want to start school as a girl?" Ranma asked, her voice empty of emotion - almost as if she were stating a fact instead of asking a question.

Akane sighed. "Alright, come on. We can stop at the local clinic to get some hot water."

A few minutes later found Ranma standing outside of Doctor Tofu's clinic, trying to look inconspicuous as she waited for Akane to retrieve the hot water that would return her to her true gender. "Hooooo boy," she said flatly, shaking her head, "what a way to start the..."

Suddenly, Ranma's danger sense flared as a bony hand reached out from behind her... and met a red energy field that had flashed into existence before it could touch her shoulder. The moment the skeleton's hand touched the field, both it and the one who held it were flung bodily to the ground.

Ranma whirled around to face her opponent… and then blinked in surprise as she saw the young doctor Tofu lying flat on his back, a plastic skeleton in hand. What was that feeling? It was... distant. Muted. Her cheeks should have been flushing red, but they weren't. Mechanically, she helped the young doctor to his feet. "Gomen."

Tofu shook his head, not entirely certain as to exactly what had just happened. After all, even for Nerima, this was more than a little bit odd. "Nothing… nothing to worry about, dear," he said, "I … er… that is…"

"Ranma, here's the hot..." Akane trailed off as she noticed the presence of Doctor Tofu.

"Ah, Akane! Is this girl a friend of yours?"

"Oh, doctor! Um… good morning!" Akane said, smacking the kettle that she had been carrying into Ranma's head. Blushing heavily, she nonetheless managed to indicate the pig-tailed girl with a pointed finger and say, "This is Ranma."

"I see." said the doctor, still somewhat shaken up by his encounter with the red barrier of energy. "Well... good morning to you!" he said as he turned and walked quickly into the clinic.

Akane sighed, waiting a few moments for the burning in her cheeks to subside before glancing Ranma's way. "Hey," she began, "Aren't you going to change?"

"Ah, right." She quickly took the kettle from where it had rested on top of her head and used it to return to her male form. As she became a he, he smiled and stretched a bit, and life and expression came back into his bearing. "That's better."

Akane frowned faintly as they continued on their way. "Does it hurt?" she asked.

"What?"

"The change. It looks like it probably hurts."

Ranma shook his head. "Nah. It kinda tingles for a sec, and everythin' feels colder until I change back. That's about it."

Akane nodded thoughtfully. And that was when she realized exactly what time it was. "AAAAAH! Ranma, we're gonna be late!"

The two took off running down the street and would have made it on time, too, if they hadn't come across a group of young kids who were apparently torturing a small animal. This was actually a fairly common occurrence in this area, but it still bothered Ranma enough that he stopped running and moved towards the kids.

"Hey!" he called. "Whadda you brats think yer doin'?"

Akane blinked, looking at Ranma with a curious expression.

The group of nearly identical platinum-haired, white-eyed children looked up at Ranma in unison. At first they tried to telepathically force him to ignore them and walk away, but as it turns out he was both too stupid and too stubborn for them to actually make telepathic contact with him.

Ranma frowned and cracked his knuckles, having a sinking suspicion that someone had just insulted him, but stuck as he was inside the story and unable to break the fourth wall, he was unable to do anything about it.

Faced with the prospect of a confrontation with a very angry looking teenager on whom their evil mind-controlling powers would not work, the group of kids was quick to vacate the area. However much they wanted to torment the creature, it didn't compare to their fear of being beaten up by someone they couldn't just mentally dominate.

When the dust of their passage had cleared, Ranma looked down at the animal that they had been torturing. "Hey, it's a cat," he said, picking the creature up by the scruff of it's neck and generally not screaming in fear and running away or otherwise displaying signs of having undergone neko-ken training. "What's with the stupid bandage on it's forehead?" he wondered aloud.

The cat wasn't terribly pleased with being held up by the scruff of its neck, as was evidenced by the fact that it was desperately trying to claw Ranma's face off. Not that he cared.

Akane reached out and removed the bandage from its forehead, revealing a golden crescent moon beneath. At that moment, the cat finally succeeded in clawing Ranma, who immediately dropped the thing. It landed on its feet and backed away from the two teenagers, hissing the whole time.

"Well, that was odd," said Akane.

Ranma nodded faintly and for once, DIDN'T open his mouth. Off in the direction of the school, the five minute warning bell rang.

"AAAK! Ranma, we're gonna be late!"

----------

Hurricane Akane hit the school grounds at precisely 7:57 that morning; three minutes before the bell. Akane made excellent time through the pervert-brigade, leaving quite a trail of devastation in her wake (and completely ignored Ranma's questioning in regards to what the hell was going on anyways, and why is that guy throwing roses at you).

Akane glared darkly at the rose that she had just snatched out of the air. Great. Him.

Yes, Him. And Akane would have had to face Him, too, had not three kindergarteners flown up at that moment and kicked his sorry rear end all the way back to Townsville.

"Man, this place is weird," said Ranma, who was not quite certain of how to react to what was happening around him.

"Such a boorish lot," came a very arrogant voice from behind the tree that the rose had come flying from. A moment later, Kuno Tatewaki stepped out from behind said tree, clad in a gi top with kendo pants, a boken held in his right hand. "Evidently," he continued, "Each of them intends to ask you out, Akane… on the dawn that he finally defeats you."

"Oh." Said Akane, sounding bored out of her mind, "Sempai. Ohayo."

Kuno smiled faintly, and a handful of sakura petals drifted by on the wind. "And now… Akane Tendo… might you fight with me?"

Ranma hopped down from his perch on the wall surrounding the school, landing lightly next to Akane. "Man, you're popular, aren't you?"

Akane was about to respond, but at that moment, another voice interjected. "Kuno, hold off."

Kuno glanced towards the new voice, seeming angry that anyone would even presume to tell him what to do. When he saw who it was who had spoken, however, he immediately straightened. "Oh, of course, Sanzenin-san," he said.

Sanzenin Mikado nodded, giving Akane his most winning smile. "I'll expect to be repaid later," he said as he walked inside.

Akane and Ranma stared, completely nonplussed. Still, they did end up getting to class on time, so I guess I was lying about how they would have been on time had they not run into the group of platinum-haired children a few paragraphs back.

--------

"Class," began the teacher (a blonde-haired, well muscled man wearing a white tank top and a pair of jeans), "today we're going to welcome two new students to our school. First of all, let's say hello to Ranma Saotome. Ranma, you know the drill."

Ranma blinked in surprise. "Er, yeah, ok," he said. "I'm Ranma Saotome. I like martial arts."

Everyone looked at him expectantly, waiting for him to continue. After a few moments of silence, the teacher coughed slightly before asking, "Is there anything else that you like to do?"

Ranma thought about that for a moment. "Oh, right. I like eating and sleeping, too!"

Akane's eye twitched slightly.

The teacher grinned, "A man after my own heart. Anyways, Ranma, take the empty seat next to Miss Tendo. Now for our next student: everyone say hello to Hino Asuka. Asuka, tell us about yourself."

A very cute young girl with long red hair stepped forward with a confident look on her face. She wasn't entirely Japanese, but no one really seemed to care, seeing as how everyone in the nation of Japan at that time, though claiming to be nihonjin, were actually animejin, and thus resembled Americans more than anything else (except that everyone had bigger eyes and the women tended to have much bigger busts than is physically possible. That is to say, most of the girls in the classroom except for Akane technically should have had spines bent like limp noodles. I'm still not sure how they were able to move around without experiencing some severe back pain, but that's beside the point). After introducing herself as Hino Asuka, the red-headed girl was instructed to take the empty seat just behind Akane.

"Sensei?" Asuka asked, "Why are so many empty seats next to that one girl?"

The teacher glanced towards Akane's desk and took note of the three other empty seats that surrounded her. He then gestured towards the window. All eyes followed the movement. There, out in the courtyard just below the window, lay the still unconscious hentai-brigade.

Asuka blinked, looking faintly disturbed. "Oh. Right. Stupid question."

The teacher nodded. "Yup." His face took on a somewhat evil looking grin. "Anyways, since Hino and Saotome haven't met me yet: I'm Onizuka-sensei. Welcome to class."

And that seems a good enough spot as any for an intermission. Feel free to use the restroom, or perhaps grab some popcorn or some soda from the concession stands in the lobby. Please remember that outside food and drink are not permitted within the theater, and anyone who chooses to violate this policy will be shot. Thank you.

INTERMISSION

_Mendel's machines replicate in the night_

_In the black iron prison of St. Augustine's light_

_He's paying the bills and they're doing him proud_

_They can float their burnt offerings on assembler clouds _

_With omega point in the sight_

_The new Franklins fly their kites_

_And the post modern empire is ended tonight_

_From history_

_The flood of counterfeits released_

_The black cloud_

_Reductionism and the beast_

_Automatons gather all the pieces_

_So the world may be increased_

_In simulation jubilation_

_For the deceased..._

_Spray-on clothes and diamond jaws_

_Wrinkles smoothed by nanoclaws _

_With my machines I can dispatch you_

_From this world without a trace_

_Our nostalgia ghosts are ready to take your place _

_Content-shifting shopping malls_

_Gasoline trees and walk-through walls _

_None of them knew... _

_I feel the grey goo boiling my blood_

_As I watch the dead rise up out of the earth_

_Try to hide from the lies as they all come true _

_Deus absconditus_

_Deus nullus deus nisi deus _

_I feel the grey goo boiling my blood_

_As the fenris wolf slowly bites through his chain_

_Try to hide the myth as it becomes a man _

_None of them knew they were robots _

_Buying an X or an O_

_In state craft tic tac toe_

_Cats game for Joe Blow _

_Post industrial bliss_

_A binary hug or kiss_

_Can be wrung from utility mist _

_They stole the great arcanum_

_The secret fire_

_Moloch found his gold_

_For the new empire_

_Once again_

_The necrophage becomes saint _

_Lindy hop around the truth_

_Jump back wolf pack attack_

_Swingin' up there in the noose_

_Slap back white shark attack_

_Lindy hop around the truth_

_Jump back wolf pack attack_

_Swingin' up there in the noose_

_Slap back white shark attack _

_Phased array diffraction nets_

_From full-wall paint-on TV sets_

_Migratory home sublets_

_And time shared diamond fiber sets _

_Recombinant logos keys_

_Bitic Qabalistic trees _

_I feel the grey goo boiling my blood_

_As leviathan and his bugs freeze the sea_

_Try to save the world by immolating myself _

_From history_

_The flood of counterfeits released_

_The black cloud_

_The resurrection of the deceased_

_Automatons gather all the pieces_

_So the world may be increased_

_In simulation jubilation_

_For the builders_

_Of the body of the beast_

- 'None of Them Knew They Were Robots',

Mr. Bungle

END INTERMISSION

We now return you to your regularly scheduled fanfic.

---------

"Hey, did you hear?" one girl asked another.

"No, what?"

"That Asuka girl. She's really weird."

"Ya think?"

"No, I mean, I heard she's got all sorts of weird psychic powers, and that she's living up at the old Hikawa shrine with her grandfather!"

"Who cares about that!" came a third voice, "I hear that Mikado-sama is the greatest kisser in the world! Azusa-chan told me that it makes you feel totally weak in the knees! One of her friends even fainted in Mikado-sama's arms!"

"..."

"..."

"What? What does that look mean?"

(in English) " Our friend is very weird. "

(in English) " I agree. She's scaring me more and more every day. "

"HEY! Stop talking like that! You KNOW I don't understand you…!"

Unaware of the gossip going on around them, Ranma and Akane sat together eating lunch at one of the tables that had been set out for that purpose within the front courtyard of the school. Though there were other students about, Ranma and Akane were the only ones sitting at that particular table. Perhaps this had something to do with the fact that these 'other students' who were about were in fact the hentai-brigade, most of which STILL had not regained consciousness.

"So Akane, what was that all about this morning, anyways?"

Akane sighed. "It's Kuno's fault. He made this stupid speech saying that anyone who wanted to date me first had to defeat me in combat. Ever since then..." she trailed off, taking a moment to deliver a savage kick to the side of one of the hentais who had finally begun to move again.

Ranma blinked. "You mean you fight with Kuno EVERY MORNING?"

Akane nodded. "And for some reason, I always win!"

Ranma opened his mouth to respond with something intelligent, but for some strange reason he got his foot lodged in there between his vocal chords, so what came out was, "He was probably holding back."

Akane frowned. "Don't underestimate me. I've been training..." Just then she was interrupted by a loud yell.

"NEVER, RANMA SAOTOME!" cried Kuno Tatewaki as he came out of nowhere and flung his bucket full of water at Ranma.

Time seemed to slow for Ranma as the water came flying at him. His eyes widened. He leaped into the air, flipping back and away from the water... seconds too late. As the water struck him, and the now familiar tingling sensation began to spread across his body, shame rose up in his mind. The curse revealed to the whole school on the first day of class. He had hoped that the rest of the students would never have to find out about it. Fate, it seems, had other plans. The change washed over Ranma, reshaping his body and wrapping his mind in cold. In an instant, he was both wet and female.

So blinded by his stupidity was Kuno that he didn't actually notice; he continued his charge, raising his boken to strike... only to collide with a strangely geometrical barrier of energy.

There was a flash of light, and the smell of ozone filled the air as Kuno went flying into the trunk of a nearby tree. Seeing as how the force of the impact knocked him unconscious, he was unable to rise to his feet and claim to fight on, or to declare his love for the pigtailed girl, or much of anything else, really.

A shocked murmur ran through the lunchtime crowd as they stared at the newly female form of Ranma Saotome. Onna-Ranma blinked, looking blankly at the crowd of students. The murmuring grew louder, and the crowd continued to stare.

Akane's battle aura appeared.

Onna-Ranma blinked.

Everyone continued to stare.

The spell was broken when Akane finally spoke. "Why didn't you dodge that? Now everyone's going to think I'm some kind of freak for being engaged to you!" Her eyes widened and she covered her mouth with her hands when she realized what she had just said.

"Engaged?"

"Akane-chan got engaged?"

"Akane-chan's a lesbian?"

"No, the blue-haired girl was a guy a minute ago!"

"Hey, did you see what she did to Kuno?"

"I always knew that Akane-chan swung that way."

"But do you really think we'll find rubber pants in that size?"

Everyone turned to stare at the speaker for a moment, who cringed and tried to shrink into the ground. The student was saved from further embarrassment, however, because that very moment was when Akane finally snapped. A swift uppercut launched Onna-Ranma into Low Earth Orbit, pursued by the blood chilling, "RANMA NO BAKA!"

In a nearby tree, a black cat with a crescent moon mark on her forehead crouched low, watching the proceedings with what looked like nothing so much as a look of concern on her face. Shaking her head, the cat spoke aloud. "I'd better report this to Central Control. If that girl really is Ayanami..." she trailed off and shuddered before leaping down from the tree and padding silently away.

"You've already graduated from college, Hino-san?"

Asuka nodded. "I've got degrees in three separate areas."

"Then... if you don't mind me asking, why are you going to school here?"

Asuka's expression darkened. "I don't want to talk about it," she said. That was a rather sore subject for her, and not one that she wanted to share with people that she had just met. She had just finished her lunch, and was now talking to a large group of girls (with one or two guys as well).

"So," one of the girls – Sayuri - asked, "Is it true that you're living at the Hikawa shrine? That's where that old perverted priest lives, you know."

Asuka's eye twitched slightly. "That perverted old priest is my grandfather, Sayuri."

Sayuri flushed red. "Ah, gomen! But it's true! He IS a total pervert! He goes out every night to steal people's panties!"

Asuka found that she had a little trouble believing that. Her grandfather may be a dirty old man, but a panty-thief as well? That seemed just a little bit much to her. She was about to say so, when a young girl dressed in Chinese clothes with blue hair, pale skin and red eyes fell out of the sky and landed on top of her, sending her sprawling. The other students took a few steps backwards, not entirely sure of how to react to this situation.

"SCHEIS..." Asuka started to shout as the girl landed on her. She couldn't finish the statement, however, as she hit the ground poorly and ended up with the wind knocked out of her.

The blue-haired girl climbed to her feet, her face blank. Asuka was up a moment later, none too pleased. "WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING, DUMMKOPF?"

The other girl shrugged.

Asuka frowned. "You just landed on me and you don't even care? Why aren't you smiling or something? Even if I don't care for being used as a landing pad, you should feel honoured for being able to land on someone as wonderful as me!"

A few of the other girls giggled at that. Asuka COULDN'T be saying that seriously, could she?

The blue-haired girl didn't even bother to respond.

Asuka's frowned deepened. This was getting annoying. "I hate dolls," she said.

THAT got a reaction. The blue-haired girl actually FROWNED and turned to look at Asuka! "I'm not a doll," she said, "I'm Ranma Saotome..."

The universe held it's breath.

"Sorry about this."

And there was great rejoicing.

Yet the universe had only a little time to rejoice, for Sanzenin Mikado took that moment to approach the group.

The moment that young man's eyes fell upon onna-Ranma his face lit up with a ridiculously self-assured smile. "Why hello there," he said, moving to a spot that was well within what Ranma would have ordinarily considered to have been his personal space. However, with her emotions muted by her being in her cursed form, she was only distantly aware of the annoyance that she felt. Before she could even really register that it was there, Mikado continued, his voice pitched at what we can only assume he thought to be a seductive tone. "I don't think I've seen you before: may I have the honour of knowing your name?"

Onna-Ranma blinked, glancing at the blonde student who had just approached her. "You talkin' to me?" she asked.

"I am!" he said, bowing deeply. "Allow me to introduce myself. I am Sanzenin Mikado, and I'm quite pleased to meet one as lovely as you." And with that he stepped towards Ranma and, before she even realized what he was trying to do, kissed her passionately on the lips.

Ranma stood there in total shock, either not quite grasping what had just happened or perhaps simply not willing to believe it. Everyone else, Asuka included, watched wide-eyed.

"Wow, it really IS true!" said Sayuri excitedly, "Sanzenin-san IS the best kisser ever! Look! Ranma's at a loss for words!" Sayuri frowned. "Wait... Ranma?"

Mikado smiled to himself and began to walk away, satisfied that he had not only gained a surprising amount of energy from that particular kiss, but also that he had made the day of a lovely young girl.

Poor Mikado.

Ranma stood there as it slowly sank in. She had just been kissed. On the lips. By a guy. Kissed. By a guy. Cracks formed in the ice that her cursed form placed around her emotional state. The ice, it seemed, was only a thin crust. It had been punctured, and the hatred surged out like liquid fire. Distantly, she was aware that something was wrong, that this wasn't the way things should be... but by then the raw and unbridled hatred that had welled up within her had already carried her off. Her eyes flared a wicked undying red as she took a step towards Mikado. "How... DARE YOU!" she yelled, her voice causing the ground to shake beneath their feet.

The bystanders began to back away as Mikado whirled around, his eyes wide with surprise. "What the hell?" he exclaimed...

--------- NOTICE: WE ARE UNABLE TO AIR THE FOLLOWING SCENE DUE TO ITS HORRIFICALLY VIOLENT NATURE. PLEASE ENJOY THIS SERIES OF LOVELY NATURE PICTURES INSTEAD. WE APOLOGIZE FOR ANY INCONVENIENCE. – THE MPAA RATINGS BOARD ---------

Picture 1: A fawn grazing in the middle of a meadow, its mother standing right by its side.

bloodcurdling screams begin to sound in the background

Mikado's voice: "Noooo! PLEASE, NO!"

Onna-Ranma's voice: "Kono yaro!"

the sound of bones snapping echoes through the air, followed by more screams

Picture 2: An amazingly cute fluffy little bunny lying down next to an equally cute kitten and puppy.

Mikado: "ONEGAI! I want to live! ONEEEGAAAAAI!"

Onna-Ranma: "YOU BASTARD! SHUT UP AND DIE!"

we hear the sound of bones grinding against each other, followed by another sickening crunch, and then several snaps fairly similar to the sound of a chopstick being broken in half, followed by the sound of a liquid of some sort being splattered on the ground

Mikado: "IIAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THAT KNIFE? AAAAAAH! MY ARM! PLEASE, NO! OH GOD, IT HURTS!"

Picture 3: Ryo-ohki plays tag with Sasami in the middle of a forest, both of them looking happier and more at peace than they have ever been. Ryo-ohki miyas cutely, and Sasami giggles and pats Ryo-Ohki on the head.

Mikado: "It hurts, it hurts, it hurts! PLEASE, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, STOP! I don't want to die! I DON'T TO DIE! Please, I'll do anything, if only you-- AAAAH! IIIIIIAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA...!"

the final picture fades away

---- WE APOLOGIZE FOR THE DISRUPTION. PLEASE ENJOY THE REST OF THE STORY ----

Ranma smiled contentedly and dusted off her somewhat bloody hands as she walked away from the site of the 'challenge.' The students who had been present when the beating began were now long gone save only one or two die-hards of the temperament that rendered them able to appreciate the artistry of the beating that girl-type Ranma had just administered.

As for Mikado... well, he would not be walking away from the beating that he had taken, seeing as how he had been smashed into a bizarre, bloody pretzel-like shape with not a single bone in his body remaining unbroken. Including those little itty bitty bones in your ears that you learn about in school and never think of again.

As we leave this scene, we shall, I think, pause a moment to watch as Mikado's still living body twitches a few times.

Mikado twitched.

Mikado twitched a second time, moaning in pain. Blood leaked from his wounds.

Ok, we're done. Let's move on.

--------

The Crown Game Center was dark and empty when Luna arrived, and that was well, for she would not have been able to make her report otherwise. Softly she padded her way up to the Sailor V video game, that same concerned look on her face that she had worn when watching the events at Furinkan high school.

Glancing about quickly in a last minute check for any sign of humans, Luna placed her paw on the screen of the game. A blurry white face appeared.

"PASSWORD PLEASE," came the male voice of the blurry white face.

Luna's eyebrow twitched.

"PASSWORD PLEASE," the voice repeated.

Luna sighed, cleared her throat, and then began to sing softly and somewhat indistinctly.

The voice from the game spoke again. "LOUDER, PLEASE."

Luna glared at the game before finally singing out loud...

"_G R Double-E N Leaves_

_G R Double-E N Leaves_

_It's so easy! Happy-go-lucky!_

_We are the world! We did it!_

_Hyuu! Hyuu! Hyuu! Hyuu! Osu! Osu! Osu! Osu! (Ai!)_

_Yatta! Yatta!_

_Daigaku gohgaku_

_Yatta! Yatta! _

_Sacho shuunin_

_Happa ichimai areba ii. Ikite iru kara lucky da...!"_

As she finished the verse of the song, Luna glared at the game. "Satisfied?" she asked.

From the game there came a sound that was suspiciously similar to snickering, and then the voice said, "You forgot to wear the leaf, and you didn't dance."

Luna GLARED. .

The voice continued: "But it's forgivable. Password accepted. Agent Luna identified."

Luna grumbled something about finding 'central control' and killing them before beginning her report. "Central Control, I want you to analyze this picture and compare it with any known records of the Demon-Queen. This is a girl who attends the local high school... her name is Ranma Saotome." She held up the picture to the machine.

The white face considered the picture for a moment before replying, "100 match. Probability of the two being one and the same: 100."

Luna shook her head in dismay. "So she's awake already. This is going to be difficult."

The white face spoke then, "Find the Sailor Senshi, Luna. They'll be able to deal with this threat."

Luna frowned. "The Sailor Senshi... but I still haven't been able to find even one of them!" She blinked. "Wait a minute..."

"Do you know something, Luna?"

Luna smiled faintly (as well as a cat can). "Maybe," she said as she leaped down from the game machine and scampered away.

--------

Battered, broken, and bloody, Sanzenin Mikado appeared before Queen Beryl's throne. She had not changed position from when we had last seen her: she still sat with her fingers steepled in front of her face peering into the floating crystal bong... er, I mean ball. She smirked at the sight of Mikado, though you'd never have known it with her hands covering her mouth like that.

"I see that you have returned, Giovannite. Have you brought me the kissing energy that you promised?"

Mikado, AKA Giovannite, twitched a few times.

"Well?"

Giovannite shuddered and looked up at Beryl. "...Hai. Queen Beryl. I've..." He coughed up blood. "I've brought the kissing energy."

A glowing sphere of light appeared above him, shot through with bands of angry red. As she looked upon the ball, Beryl's eyes widened. "Giovannite," she breathed, "do you know what this is?"

"K...kissing energy, your royal slinkiness?"

Beryl's eye twitched slightly. "No, you fool. This energy is the power of the Demon Queen! I don't know how you got it or where, but this is the sign that we have awaited! This is one of the things that was prophesied in the Dead Sea Scrolls (just beneath the section describing the coming of the Spineless One, the Doom of the World, whose spinelessness shall not be matched and who shall not overcome and receive a white stone with a new name on it. Or something)! I don't know where you found it, but this is enough to finally open a permanent gate to the human world! At last, our time of imprisonment in this dark kingdom is at an end! We can unleash the 13 youma upon the world! And go to Disneyland!" She looked thoughtful for a moment. "Seeing as how we have the entire world to choose from, most of which is completely defenseless, I think we'll go to the one place where there are people powerful enough to stop us."

Giovannite blinked. "You don't mean..."

Beryl grinned, and this time you COULD see it, because she'd moved her hands and was no longer peering into her bong. "TOKYO!"

She rose to her feet and directed the gathered energy into the formation of a warp gate as she cried aloud, "My minions! After ten thousand years, I'm free! It's time to CONQUER EARTH!"

DEAD SILENCE

CHIRRUPCHIRRIP CHIRRUPCHIRRIP

-------------

Luna stood on the branch of a tree just outside of Tendo Akane's room. She was just about to open the window to go inside, when suddenly her communicator beeped. She grimaced and waited quietly, hoping that it would just go away.

No dice.

BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP

Grumbling to herself, Luna did a complicated series of backflips. A rubber ducky appeared. Luna frowned. "Wrong one."

She then repeated the maneuver.

Blushing intensely and wondering how THAT had got in there, Luna quickly pushed the offending object off of the branch before trying again.

THIS time she got it right: out popped her communicator. There displayed was the face of a white moon-cat whom she immediately recognized. "Artemis?" she exclaimed in shock, "When did you wake up?"

Artemis immediately interrupted her. "There's no time for that, Luna! Beryl's escaped! Quickly, recruit a group of teenagers with attitude!"

Luna immediately got a mental picture of Otoko-Ranma, Akane and Asuka all clad in Senshi fuku. She then clawed at her face to try to banish the image as a BIIIIG sweatdrop appeared behind her head. "Don't make me hurt you, Artemis," she said, deactivating her communicator and putting it back in subspace.

----------

Akane sat at her desk, sighing softly to herself. Nabiki had just departed after listening to her vent all of her frustrations about her new fiancé, and she was just about ready to go to bed when... there came a scratching at her window.

Akane frowned.

There it came again. SCRATCH SCRATCH SCRATCH

Her frown deepened, and she reached out and opened the window to see what was making the noise.

In jumped the black cat with the golden crescent moon on its forehead.

Akane blinked. "The cat from before?"

Luna nodded. "Thanks, by the way. Those kids are rough."

Akane's eyes nearly bugged out at that. "OOOOKAY... OBVIOUSLY, I'm just a little too stressed out over this fiancé situation."

Luna blinked. "Fiancé situation? You mean the demon-queen?"

Akane smiled nervously. "I'm never doing drugs again, and I don't care what Kasumi-neechan says about how relaxing they can be."

Luna swiped Akane across the nose with her claws.

"OW!" Akane yelped, "WHY YOU LITTLE..." she began, her battle-aura surging to life as she lifted her desk over her head.

Luna nodded in a self-satisfied manner. "Now that I've got your attention..." That was as far as she got before Akane smashed her into the floor with the desk. A large wooden hammer came flying out from beneath the desk and landed on Akane's bed.

Akane blinked, turning towards the hammer. "What in the world?"

"That's what I wanted to give you, Tendo Akane," came Luna's broken voice from beneath the desk.

"So the fact that you're talking ISN'T due to a drug overdose?"

Luna crawled out from under the desk and looked at Akane worriedly. "Drug overdose?" she asked.

"Nevermind!"

Luna nodded slowly, no longer sure that this was such a good idea, but committed to it regardless. "You must use that magical mallet to transform into the legendary warrior 'Tuxedo Mallet.' Use it... and destroy the Demon Queen Ayanami."

Akane perked up at that. "I get to destroy demons?"

Luna nodded. "Hai. And as an added bonus, you can get rid of the unwanted fiancé at the same time."

"I don't follow you."

Luna's eye twitched. She hated it when she had to spell things out for people. She took a deep breath, and then... "RANMA IS THE DEMON, OK?"

Akane's eyes widened. "What? You want me to destroy RANMA? No way!"

"He's an evil demon who feeds on the suffering of human beings! If you don't destroy him, or 'her,' I should say, the Dark Kingdom will achieve Third Impact and the world will be destroyed!"

Akane frowned. "Well, I admit he may have his faults, but that still doesn't justify outright murder."

Luna directed a side-long glance at Akane. It was a long shot, but maybe, just MAYBE... "... He insulted your cooking and called you a sexless flat-chested tomboy. He also said that he's better built than you in either form, that you're built like a stick, you can't even kick, and your hair's a cow-lick. Also, he's a pervert, and he's got three fiancées besides you."

Akane's battle-aura blazed forth and her eyes glowed black as night as she began to radiate sheer HATRED. "Ranma..." she growled, "KUROSU!"

----------

Meanwhile, just outside the Tendo home, Onna-Ranma appeared suddenly in midair just in time to sneeze violently. Glancing about suspiciously, she descended slowly towards the house, her eyes glowing like twin points of flame. Noiselessly she landed on the window to the room that she shared with her father. Then, quietly, she slipped in through the window and... got punted into the pond by an angry panda that had been awakened by her sneeze and was now holding a sign that said, " BE QUIET! "

Grumbling to herself, Ranma shook her head and stomped off towards the dojo. "I hate my life," she lamented, "but at least it can't get any worse."

Ominous thunder booms in the background as the author suddenly changes the entire format of the fic

Ranma: sighs, puts a futon on the floor of the dojo, and then lies down on it.

the camera fades to black... and then we hear the sound of the dojo door sliding open, followed by footsteps

Akane's voice: "PERVERT! SO MY HIPS ARE TOO THICK, ARE THEY? YOU'RE BETTER BUILT THAN ME, ARE YOU? RANMA! DIE!"

SMASHSMASHSMASHSMASHSMASHSMASH

Ranma's voice: "WHAT DID I DO NOW?"

END EPISODE TWO

Next: School is no place for Evil Generals!

------------------------

Comments? Criticisms? Do you like it? Love it? Hate it? Let me know!

Let's keep it civil, please. Flames will be laughed at. MSTies will

also be laughed at, but in an entirely different manner than flames.


	4. School is no Place For Evil Generals!

Ranma 1/2: WHY SAILOR PLUTO HATES THE BET  
by P.H. Wise

--- DISCLAIMER ---

I don't own Ranma. I don't own Evangelion. I don't own Sailor Moon. I don't own Yebisu. Note that this fanfic is not intended for use as a flotation device. Anyone found to be using printed versions of this story as toilet paper shall not be slain, but taken alive to the houses of lamentation, beyond all darkness, where their body shall be consumed and their shriveled mind laid bare before the lidless eye to writhe in agony until the sun has failed, the moon turned to dust, and the Dark Lord has stretched forth his hand to cover all the earth in darkness unending. Ash nazg durbatulúk, ash nazg gimbatul, ash nazg thrakatulûk agh burzum-ishi krimpatul.

P.S. – I don't own Lord of the Rings, either.

--- END DISCLAIMER ---

Episode 3: School is no Place For Evil Generals!

---------------

High atop the Tokyo Tower, a wind began. The wind was not the beginning. The wind was also not the ending. This is because there are neither beginnings nor endings on the wheel of time. No, there are not beginnings or endings, but there ARE twinkies. I am, however, getting off the subject. What's important here is the wind. The wind that started on top of the Tokyo Tower and blew right on down through the city, brushing gently across the tops of the trees as it made its way towards the public baths where a sometimes-boy named Ranma had just stepped into the water.

Ranma shivered and ducked down beneath the surface of the bath as the cold wind blew in from the outside. Cold. That was one thing he didn't want to be reminded of. As he raised his head above the surface once more, he smiled contentedly. 'I love hot water,' he thought. 'I'd marry it if I could.' Gah! Where had THAT come from? Well, fortunately his father was not nearby, otherwise he would probably have ended up somehow engaged to Hot Water in some shape or form, regardless of how unlikely it might have seemed. Quickly banishing such thoughts from his mind, Ranma settled back to enjoy his soak.

Alas, Ranma's enjoyment of the hot water was cut short as he soon found something entirely different to focus on. There came a flash of light, and he winced, covering his eyes. When his vision had recovered from the sudden flash, he realized that he was no longer alone in the bath. Before him stood Hino Asuka in all her naked glory.

Ranma stared at the girl for a long moment, not quite sure of how to react. "If this is about some engagement thing that my pop arranged..." he began, only to be cut off when she started speaking as if she hadn't even heard him.

"Hey Doll-girl, do you want to become one with me?"

Ranma blinked in surprise. He hadn't been expecting her to say something like THAT. Like... that... suddenly realizing what she had suggested, Ranma fell over backwards, blood fountaining from his nose. Asuka didn't really seem to notice or care. She reached out for him, a blissful smile on her face.

"Do you want us to become one in body and soul?" she asked, "It would be so wonderful!"

Ranma gurgled faintly from his new position beneath the water, his lungs rapidly filling with water. Asuka frowned.

"HEY DUMMKOPF! I ASK IF YOU WANT US TO BECOME ONE IN BODY AND SOUL AND YOU START DROWNING ON ME?"

Ranma continued to drown.

Shaking her head incredulously, Asuka stepped backwards and vanished in a flash of light similar to the one that had brought her to the bath, leaving Ranma to recover on his own (and he did a moment later when he was no longer suffering from hormonal overload).

Just as he was about to relax, there was yet another flash of light. Ranma pikupikued, glancing towards the place the flash had come from to see who had arrived THIS time. "Ano..." he trailed off when he saw who it was.

"Hey, Ranma-no-baka," said the newly arrived (naked) Tendo Akane.

Ranma blinked. 'What the hell?'

"Do you want to become one with me? Do you want us to become one in body and soul?"

Ranma's eyes widened. The hormonal overload was back with a vengeance. He didn't drown this time, however. Instead, he simply nodded mutely.

Akane's expression darkened. "I KNEW you were a pervert." She produced a giant wooden hammer from behind her back, and just as she was about to pound him over the head with it, her body suddenly broke apart into a horde of warm-water penguins. A shadow fell across the bath.

Looking up, Ranma gaped in horror at the sight of a Godzilla-sized Sanzenin Mikado, naked as the day he was born, peering down at him.

'Suddenly,' thought Ranma, 'I feel very inadequate.'

"Saaaaoootome!" the giant Mikado called, "I would date with you! Don't you want to become one with me? Don't you want us to become one in body and soul? It would feel so wonderful!"

Ranma's eyes bugged out in his head and he began to struggle to repress the urge to vomit. "ARE YOU STUPID! I'M A GUY! LEAVE ME ALONE!" Attempting to escape from the giant Mikado, he quickly dove beneath the surface of the bath, which had somehow become several hundred feet deep. And that was when Ranma realized that he was no longer a guy. Despite the hot water surrounding him, he was now in female form.

The warm-water penguins swarmed around her, pecking at her with their beaks as the giant Mikado plunged into the water after her, crying aloud over and over, "I LOVE YOU I WOULD DATE WITH YOU I LOVE YOU I WOULD DATE WITH YOU I LOVE YOU I WOULD DATE WITH YOU I LOVE YOU I WOULD DATE WITH YOU I LOVE YOU I WOULD DATE WITH YOU! SAAAAAOOOOTTTTTOOOOOMMMMMMMEEEEEEEEEE!" The world began to spin, and bands of inky blackness rose up from the water.

Ranma crouched into a foetal position, clutching her head as the blackness coalesced into a humanoid shape. The bath froze over, and she was trapped in the ice from the waist down. The living darkness rose over her, blotting out the stars. And then its eyes opened. Twin, burning, undying red eyes filled with a terrible, ravenous hunger...

--------

Otoko-Ranma woke up screaming on the floor of the Tendo dojo. He was also floating three feet off the ground with a tremendous red energy field radiating out from his body. After a few moments the energy faded away and he landed on his futon, shuddering uncontrollably.

---- Meanwhile, in Beryl's Throne Room ----

"Queen Beryl!" a young female youma cried as she rushed into the throne room with a computer printout in hand, "We've detected an AT-field! Pattern blue!"

Beryl peered into her crystal bong with her hands steepled in front of her face. After inhaling the fumes coming out of the device for a few moments, she smiled (though you couldn't see it because of her hands). "Very well. Giovannite, I release the third Youma to your control. Go forth, unite the Youma with Adam, and bring about the third impact!"

One of her courtiers coughed. "Um... forgive me, my Queen, but Giovannite isn't actually here at the moment."

Beryl blinked, glancing about. An enormous sweatdrop formed behind her head as she tried very hard to appear not embarrassed at all. "... I knew that. I was just testing you."

"Of course, my queen."

Beryl's eye twitched. The drugs weren't working. "... SHINJITE! I command you to appear before me!"

There was no response: User is away

Beryl blinked. Ok, maybe the drugs WERE working. But that was beside the point. Her minions weren't listening to her again, it seemed. Maybe if she yelled louder it would solve the problem. "SHINJITE! SHOW YOURSELF!"

It was then that she became aware of an intense-sounding whisper coming from near the back of the throne room. Over, and over, the same words were repeated: "I mustn't run away. I mustn't run away. I mustn't run away. I mustn't run away. I mustn't run away. I mustn't run away."

Beryl's eye-twitch got worse.

--------

"WHERE ARE EARTH AM I NOW?" cried a despair-filled voice. The owner of that voice, a young man by the name of Hibiki Ryouga, was hopelessly lost. Not that this has ANYTHING to do with our story at this point. But still, it bears mentioning that Ryouga was currently wandering the face of the earth, searching for Furinkan high school, and now that I've mentioned it, I'll move on without making any further references to the Lost Boy in this episode. He doesn't have anything to do with this story, it's just that I figured you'd want to know that he was alive (1). .

---------

Ranma and Akane moved as one through the Hentai Horde that morning, and though Akane then proceeded to jump-kick Kuno into a nearby tree, Ranma did not join her in that endeavor. Rather, he decided to exact further revenge on a somehow fully-healed Mikado, who was standing close at hand and watching the morning festivities.

Mikado, not having expected such an attack, took Ranma's jump-kick right between the eyes, and down he went. A moment later, Ranma began jumping up and down on the blonde playboy's back while yelling, "KUSO HENTAI!"

Mikado frowned. SLAM This was... CRUNCH kinda... SMASH starting to... CRACK! hurt. "Chikishou... would you STOP THAT!"

Ranma didn't, so Mikado was forced to cast a spell to fling Ranma bodily away in a tremendous explosion. Landing lightly on his feet, Ranma immediately dropped into a ready stance.

"Ranma?" Akane asked from where she stood near Kuno's bruised and beaten form. "What are you doing?"

Mikado glared at Ranma as he pulled a large suitcase out from... out from... ah... alright, there are three possibilities that I can see. Either, A: Mikado has access to a subspace pocket which he can use as a storage medium by means of converting that which he desires to store into a tachyon stream and beaming it into said pocket, B: he was holding it the entire time and I forgot to mention it, or C: it's magic. Regardless, Mikado reached behind his back and pulled out a large suitcase, which he then proceeded to set down on the ground. "Saotome, enough is enough." He then tore off his school uniform, revealing the fact that he was wearing the more or less identical uniform of a general of the Dark Kingdom underneath it before opening the straps of the suitcase and yelling, "COME OUT, YOUMA!"

There was a long silence. Ranma and Akane blinked a few times.

"So..." Ranma said at length, "Is something supposed to happen?"

Mikado clenched his fist. "You've challenged the might of the mighty Giovannite for the last time, Saotome! The Third Youma will make short work of you!"

They waited.

Nothing happened.

Mikado AKA Giovannite gave the suitcase an exasperated look. "GAWD DAMNIT!" he yelled, kicking the thing a few times.

Both Ranma and Akane sweatdropped. For that matter, so did pretty much everyone else who was watching the confrontation (which was pretty much the rest of the school).

His eye twitching uncontrollably, Giovannite reared back his foot and kicked the briefcase open. A cloud of evil-smelling smoke filled the air, accompanied by a very disturbing sense of ... PURE EVIL. And when the smoke cleared, the source of this PURE EVIL stood revealed.

Picture a girl. Now picture a girl by way of Masami Obari. That is, a girl, who, if real, would have a spine bent like a limp noodle. Pure sex, in other words. Alright, now that you've pictured that, forget it. If you want to know more about THAT creature, go over to the Sailor Moon Expanded website and read their 'Expanded Silliness' story, because it has nothing to do with THIS creature of PURE EVIL.

The Youma Azusite was truly a thing of horror. Never before on the earth had any seen such an insanely tasteless excess of pink. Pink. Pink. Pink. Pink sakura petals swirling all around. More Pink. Pink hair. Pink eyes. Pink clothing. Pink ice-skates. Wait, pink ice-skates?

Ranma shook his head, the action sending his pigtail swishing from side to side. "You have GOT to be kidding me."

Akane, on the other hand, didn't take it QUITE as well as that. "AAAAAAAH!" she screamed, clawing at her face in obvious agony, "MY EYES! AAAAAAAAGH! IT BURNS! GET IT OUT! GET IT OUT!" she then began smashing her head against the nearby wall in an attempt to remove the image of pinkness that had been seared into her mind, but to no avail.

And that was when the TRUE horror began.

"CLAUDETTE!" the little-girl youma cried, running up to Ranma and grabbing his pigtail. "CLAUDETTE! CLAUDETTE!" she called out over and over in an annoyingly cheerful voice as she did her level best to yank the pigtail out by the roots.

Akane staggered away, barely able to maintain her sanity after seeing the creature. Maybe as Tuxedo Mallet she could face it, but certainly not as she was now!

Giovannite laughed insanely as Ranma vainly attempted to fend off the uber-kawaii Youma Azusite. "IT'S MINE!" Azusite screamed right in poor Ranma's face, the wind of her voice sending his hair streaming backwards.

"WHAT THE HECK ARE YA TRYING TO DO TO ME?" the pig-tailed martial artist demanded to know.

Azusite ignored him and continued to yank on his pigtail.

Giovannite grinned wickedly, a ball of energy gathering in his left hand. "TODAY YOU HAVE MADE THE LAST MISTAKE OF YOUR LIFE, RANMA! While my Youma continues to pull your hair, thus immobilizing you, I'm going to destroy you with this blast of energy that I'm taking an unnecessarily long time to gather, and there's nothing you can do about it!"

True to his word, Giovannite did indeed take an unnecessarily long time to gather the energy needed to level the school three times over. "RANMA!" he yelled when he'd FINALLY gathered the sufficient amount, "SHI-NE!"(2)

Like a rocket, the blast shot forward, and the wall of devastation was interrupted by streak of brown followed by a tremendous CRACK...

Suddenly, reality flickered, flickered, and then shifted to the Blue Screen of Death.

WARNING: SYSTEM FAILURE DUE TO BAD GRAMMAR. UNABLE TO PROCESS SERIES OF EVENTS.

Urd blinked, looking up at the message displayed on the Yggdrasil's system terminal. "Oh hell," she muttered. "This new operating system is a pain in the neck!"

The platinum-haired goddess quickly produced a transparent keyboard from out of the air and began to type.

**>>Run translation protocol.**

BAD COMMAND OR FILE NAME

Urd grimaced. Ok, maybe this, then...

**>>run translation.exe**

UNABLE TO FIND TRANSLATION.EXE – NOW SEARCHING FOR CLOSEST MATCH. CLOSEST MATCH FOUND: WHITERABBIT.OBJ – DO YOU WISH TO RUN THIS PROGRAM? YES/NO

**>>no**

BAD COMMAND OR FILE NAME

Urd's eyebrow began to twitch. "SKULD!" she called.

Her little sister, a cute little girl with long dark hair and a big mallet strapped to her back, popped her head into the room. "Hai, old hag?"

Urd directed a withering look Skuld's way. "The system isn't responding. I think it's a bug. Can you fix it?"

Skuld nodded confidently before walking up the Yggdrasil itself and hefting her hammer up into the air. "Bugs... BEGONE!" she yelled, smashing the computer repeatedly with the hammer.

TRANSLATION FILE FOUND. TRANSLATING NOW...

Urd grinned. "Hey, it worked!"

"Of course it did!"

TRANSLATING...

LIKE A ROCKET

- In some way related to rocketry, or perhaps to a device containing its own propellant and driven by reaction propulsion.

THE BLAST SHOT FORWARD

- Some kind of blast appeared and engaged in 'forward' motion.

AND THE WALL OF DEVASTATION WAS INTERRUPTED BY A STREAK OF BROWN

- A wall of devastation appeared and attempted to engage in conversation, but it was rudely interrupted by a nude color brown.

FOLLOWED BY A TREMENDOUS CRACK...

- Immediately following the appearance of the naked color, something cracked in a manner that was extraordinarily large in size or extent or amount or power or degree.

TRANSLATION COMPLETE. REALITY DISFUNCTION AVERTED. PROCESSING SERIES OF EVENTS

All eyes went to the lamp-post from which the nude color brown had originated. There, clad in a tuxedo complete with cape, cane and top-hat, was Tendo Akane. Of course, no one recognized her. They did, however, realize that she had thrown the nude color brown which had now apparently transformed into a mallet that lay imbedded in the concrete between Ranma and the evil Giovannite.

Ranma, Azusite and Giovannite blinked a few times, shrugged, and then went back to fighting.

Akane GLARED. "HEY! You're supposed to pay attention to me! I'm a mysterious tuxedo-clad warrior who interrupts your fights, offers sage advice, and is generally unhelpful!"

No one paid her any mind. Perhaps it had something to do with the new arrival, or perhaps not. ... Most likely not, actually. They wouldn't have paid attention to her regardless. Where was I? Oh, right. The new arrival.

"RANMA SAOTOME, PREPARE TO DIE!" bellowed a boy clad in a yellow bandana (with black spots), travel-worn clothing, and wielding a bamboo umbrella who came out of nowhere and swung the aforementioned umbrella at Ranma's head.

Ranma blinked in surprise, barely having enough time to flip out of the way of the strike. The youma he had been fighting – Azusite – on the other hand, did NOT dodge in time. The umbrella took her full in the stomach. And did precisely nothing to her.

The boy's eyes widened as he realized that the person he had just hit was NOT Ranma. They widened even further when he realized that his attack hadn't done a thing to the person.

Slowly, Azusite turned and looked at Ryouga, her eyes glowing an evil shade of neon-pink. Ryouga took a few careful steps back, not sure of what to expect, before...

"CHARLOTTE!" the youma-girl cried, glomping Ryouga so hard that she very nearly crushed his lungs.

WARNING: CORRUPTED DATA FILE

Ranma blinked.  
Tuxedo Mallet bibit.  
Akane bibit in surprise pauper et egrotus.

bibit exul et ignotus  
bibit puer, bibit canus  
bibit presul et decanus  
bibit soror, bibit frater  
bibit anus, bibit mater,  
bibit iste, bibit ille  
bibunt centum, bibunt mille  
Ryouga stared about in parum sexcente nummate  
horror as everyone durant, cum immoderate  
bibunt omnes drinking in the tavern sine meta.  
Quamvis bibant mente leta,  
Sic nos rodunt omnes gentes,  
Et sic erimus egentes.  
Qui nos rodunt confundantur  
Et cum iustus non scribantur. Io!  
Io! Io! Io!

Back at the Yggdrasil computer terminal, Urd gave the computer another swift kick. It promptly resumed its normal mode of operation.

Ryouga fled in panic. He wasn't sure what scared him more, the girl or the drinking, but he knew that he had to get away. Unfortunately, the youma-girl pursued him, an evil pink aura glowing brightly around her as she shrieked, "CHARLOTTE! CHARLOTTE! IT'S SO CUTE!"

Giovannite facefaulted. Once he had climbed back off the floor, he glared at Ranma. "You may have won THIS time, but I'll defeat you yet, Saotome! And then I'll claim the Demon-Queen as my own!" With those words, he vanished.

Bibit Ranma... er, I mean Ranma blinked, completely nonplussed. "Ne, Akane."

"Oh, so NOW you stop ignoring me?"

"Yeah, whatever. So tell me, in what way did I, uh, win?"

Akane shrugged.

"Right. 'swhat I figured."

Overall, the only person who approved of the way the events of the day had gone so far was Nabiki, whose betting pool had actually taken into account the possibility of a youma attack. Thinking that such a thing would be likely today (she has her sources), she was able to rake in huge amounts of money as a result. But that is a story for another time.

----------

Queen Beryl once more sat upon her throne, her fingers steepled in front of her mouth. "Giovannite," she said to the young man who stood before her, "Perhaps you could inform me as to why exactly you thought it would be a good idea to use the Third Youma in a school yard brawl instead of sending it after the source of those mysterious AT fields that we detected earlier?"

Giovannite blushed heavily. "Gomen nasai, your slinkiness. It will NOT happen again."

Beryl nodded ever so slightly. "See that it does not. We cannot afford to be so careless, Giovannite. Though there has been no sign of Those Damnable Girl-scouts yet, we'll probably draw their attention if we're too obvious, and we do NOT need anyone else to be interfering with our goals. Seele is bad enough."

Giovannite bowed deeply. "I will not fail you again."

"See that you do not, Giovannite."

Giovannite paused, trying to think of how to phrase his next question. "My Queen..." he began.

"Is there something else?" she asked, growing slightly annoyed.

"I have been meaning to ask: with the portal to earth now open, why are we still here in the Dark Kingdom palace?"

Queen Beryl considered that for a moment, glancing briefly up at the swirling vortex of energy that led to the heart of Tokyo. ...

"... I like the ambiance," she said at length.

Giovannite sweatdropped. "Of course, my Queen,"

With that business taken care of, Queen Beryl turned her attention to other matters. "Shinjite," she said, her voice harsh, "Come forth or die."

Shinjite appeared. He was a scrawny little thing, dark haired and completely lacking any sort of life in his eyes. He too was clad in the uniform of a dark kingdom general.

"Shinjite, I have found a use for you."

"Is that all you called me back here for, mother?" he asked, his voice filled with the 'woe-is-me' attitude. "Because you want to use me again? I guess you don't love me after all."

"Yes. I don't love you. No one does, really. But that's beside the point. I have a mission for you."

Shinjite shuddered and began to whisper to himself, over and over, "I mustn't run away. I mustn't run away. I mustn't run away..."

----------

At Furinkan high school, the rest of the day went pretty much as normal: which is to say that only half of the school was still standing at the end of the day. Still, there hadn't been any fatalities, and at least half of the classes were still being held (and the damage would be repaired in time for the next day, which was also a school day).

As the final bell rang, Hino Asuka came walking out of the school alone. Yes, alone. Because of her duties to the Hikawa shrine, the only after-school club that she had been able to join was the go-home club. As she walked away from the school, she was unaware of the fact that she was being watched by a certain black cat with a crescent moon on its forehead. Not that she would have cared, even if she had known. No, she had much more important things to think about. Like how everyone at school was a fool for not seeing her greatness. And how she hated it that she still hadn't made any friends. And how much she disliked that 'doll-girl.' And how she thought that Tendo Akane seemed nice enough, and that maybe the two of them cold become friends at some point... if only she could get her away from the fiancé that she always seemed to be hanging around.

After walking for a good half hour, Asuka finally arrived at home; the Hikawa Shrine. Muttering to herself about how they needed to get rid of those stairs and just build an elevator, she headed on inside... only to see that her grandfather, who had not been at home when she had arrived, was indeed the pervert that everyone said he was.

"AAAAAH! Akane-chan no PANTIES!" the old Shinto priest cried aloud from his seat in front of the sacred fire, rubbing his cheek against a set of women's underwear.

Asuka's expression in that moment is difficult to describe, but I'll do my best. Imagine an enraged rhino. Now imagine the expression of disbelief on an Eva fanatic's face who has just witnessed ANY of Anno's attempts to conclude the Evangelion series. Now imagine a one-eyed-one-horned-flying-purple-people-eater. Now combine these images. Frightening as it may seem, that's about what Asuka looked like in that moment.

"Ojiiiiiiiiiiisaaaaaan?" she thundered, a flaming red aura springing up around her.

Hino Happosai turned at the sound of her voice. Getting his first look at his grand-daughter, he immediately went starry-eyed. "Asuka-chaaan! Is that really you? Come over here and try this on for your dear old Grandfather, would you?"

And at that point, the flaming red aura became literal flames. Seeing red, Asuka punted her perveted grandfather into low earth orbit. Briefly, the symbol of mars appeared on her forehead.

Once she had calmed down, Asuka became aware of the fact that she was, even with the sudden departure of her grandfather, not alone at the shrine. There was a skinny boy clad in the uniform of a dark kingdom general/male Japanese high school student sweeping the steps that led up to the shrine.

"Ano, what are you doing?" she asked, quirking an eyebrow at him.

The boy cringed, nearly falling over in terror. "Just... just... just... sweeping! Your grandfather made me!"

"Right," Asuka replied, trying to figure out where she had seen the boy before. "Have we met?" she asked at length.

He shook his head, growing increasingly nervous.

"Wait a minute, I DO know you. You were the one..." her eyes narrowed. "You were the one from the hospital room! You're SHINJI! What the heck do you think you were doing?"

Shinji whimpered. "I don't know anything about that!"

"Don't try to lie to me! I saw you, even though I was too weak to move!"

Shinji curled up into a fetal position and tried to tune out the world.

At that point, Luna hopped out of her hiding spot. "Asuka!" she called, somehow tossing the girl a transformation pen despite the fact that such an operation would have been very difficult for a cat. "Take this pen and turn into Sailor Mars!"

Asuka blinked. "A talking cat?"

Luna shook her head, "I'll explain later! There's no time right now! That boy, Shinji, he's not a human! He's really a Dark Kingdom General named Shinjite, and he will destroy the whole world!"

Asuka caught the pen, but did not actually transform just yet. "Are you sure?" she asked, giving Shinji a critical look. "He looks a little pathetic to be an evil general for a Dark Kingdom."

Luna nodded. "I'm totally sure. Oh, and yes, you're right. He IS the guy from the hospital."

Asuka's eyes narrowed at that. "Alright then. MARS POWER! MAKE

UP!" Light surrounded her, and totally failed to conceal anything at all as she was rendered naked for the duration of an unnecessarily long transformation sequence. With her transformation complete, Sailor Mars scowled at Shinji. "For what you did at the hospital, prepare to die!"

... Shinji was still curled up in a fetal position, tuning out the world.

Sailor Mars blinked a few times, shrugged, and then punted him into the stratosphere. Shinji landed some thirty miles away, having broken quite a few bones in the fall. Fortunately for him (and rather unfortunately for the rest of us), he only needed to crawl a few yards to come across some people who could tend his wounds and take him out of there. Unfortunately for him (and fortunately for everyone else), he was too apathetic to even consider doing something for himself. He stayed right where he was, curled up all pathetic-like, until a swarm of flesh-eating ants came and ate him.

-----------

"Aren't you going to save him or anything?" Giovannite asked as Beryl watched Shinji's grizzly end through her crystal bong.

Beryl smirked. "Nope."

"Er... why not? Didn't you say you'd found a use for him?"

Beryl nodded.

"Oh. Ant-food?"

Beryl nodded yet again, her smirk widening into a full blown evil smile. "I always knew he was good for at least SOMETHING," she said as she produced a bag of popcorn from subspace and settled into her throne to watch the ants finish their meal. (3)

----------

"So Ranma, just who was that guy who jumped out of nowhere and attacked you?" Akane asked. They were sparring in the dojo again. Or rather, Akane was doing her best to hit Ranma as Ranma weaved and dodged around her attacks in such a way as to make it look insultingly easy.

Ranma just LOOKED at Akane as she was jumping over a leg sweep. "Do you really gotta ask?"

Akane blinked (which didn't stop her from trying unsuccessfully to connect with a quick combo of three punches and a kick), "Oh, right. Let me guess, you stole his bread in junior high school or something and he swore undying hatred for you?"

Ranma shrugged. "Heck if I know. I've never seen the guy before in my life."

Akane facefaulted, and Ranma tapped her on the shoulder.

"Heh," he said, "looks like I win."

Akane glared.

---------

And now, finally, we turn our attention to the title character of this story: Sailor Pluto. The poor woman awoke to a pain more intense than anything she had ever felt before in her life. As she climbed out of bet, she grimaced. It felt like a group of psychotic gnomes were pounding on her head over and over with hammers.

A few moments later, she realized that a group of psychotic gnomes really WERE pounding on her head with hammers, which certainly did NOT help with her hangover. After quickly banishing the gnomes into the Outer Darkness which lay beyond eternity, Sailor Pluto went and brewed herself a cup of coffee. Damn that Toltiir, but could he EVER drink. Out-drinking that particular cat deity was not something she wanted to try again. 'Oh well,' she thought, 'Might as well check on the timestream and see how things have been going.'

What she saw made her spit out her coffee all over the gates of time. "WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?" she shouted, not really expecting an answer as she was the only one there.

Quickly, she delved into the past, seeking the cause of this... travesty. Before her disbelieving eyes she saw an image of Toltiir, having just dropped off the drunk-out-of-her-mind Sailor Pluto at her castle on the planet that bore her name, heading off to Mimir's well with a group of 'friends'. As she watched, the assorted gods and entities dropped their pebbles into the well, each one sending the timeline off in a thousand different directions; each one sending a horrible stabbing pain through her mind.

When the last creature had cast its pebble and the images faded away, Sailor Pluto drew a shuddering breath before heading on over to her fridge. She then pulled out a can of Yebisu, popped it open and started chugging. Salvaging this timeline would NOT be fun, and she'd be damned if she was gonna be sober while doing it.

END OF EPISODE 3

--- Authors Notes ---

1 – Ok, so I lied.

2 - shine – die. Pronounced 'she-nay'. NOT 'shine.'

3 – I would say "I'm sorry" to any Shinji fans out there (ARE there any Shinji fans out there?), but I would be lying. .


	5. Enter Ryouga

Ranma 1/2: WHY SAILOR PLUTO HATES THE BET  
by P.H. Wise

Disclaimer: I don't own Ranma. I don't own Evangelion. I don't own Sailor Moon. I don't own much of anything, actually.

Episode 4: Enter Ryouga  
- Or –  
Why Crossovers Can Be A BAD Thing

--------------

In the midst of a vast wilderness, two figures walked. They traveled opposite directions, yet their paths would intersect in another few minutes. As they came within speaking distance of each other, both of them spoke at the same time.

"WHERE IS FURINKAN HIGH SCHOOL?" demanded the one even as the other cried, "WHERE IS THE TANAKA DOJO IN HOKKAIDO?"

Both figures stopped, blinking faintly at each other. "What?"

"But you... you look like me!"

There, standing face to face, were two Ryougas. They gazed at each other with horrified expressions for a minute or two, each the mirror of the other, until... "RANMA SAOTOME, THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT!"

----------

All was peaceful (for once) at the Tendo home. With the recent threat of Gehenna finally done with (apparently Caine and Lillith had fought it out until this evil yama king arose and tried to declare himself emperor of the world. Malkav thought it would help to drive everyone completely insane, but it didn't actually seem to change anything. Then another of the antediluvians (or is that unclediluvians?) had decided to use some level ten vampiric discipline to turn the whole group into a popular roleplaying game, thus ending the threat of Gehenna), things were finally getting back to normal in the world. Soun and Genma sat at the kitchen table playing a rousing game of chess, both of them employing the unquestionably brilliant strategy of making the other look away long enough to rearrange the pieces as they saw fit.

"Say, Saotome, why are we playing chess anyways? Don't we usually play something else?"

Genma pushed up his glasses with his forefinger and nodded sagely. "Indeed, Tendo. We're playing chess because the author, the ignorant gaijin that he is, can't remember the name of the game that we usually..." Genma broke off as an anvil suddenly dropped into his head out of the clear blue sky, smashing him through the floor-boards and into the basement.

Soun shook his head sadly. "The perils of breaking the fourth wall are many and varied, my friend."

Had Genma been able, he would have nodded sagely. Instead, he contented himself with calling up, somewhat weakly, "Indeed, Tendo. Indeed."

Meanwhile, in Akane's room, the first Sailor Senshi meeting was well under way, never mind the fact that only one Sailor Senshi had been found thus far. Akane and Asuka were sitting on the floor, listening to Luna's discourse on their destiny as Sailor Senshi. Well, more like zoning out through Luna's discourse on their destiny as Sailor Senshi.

"Ten thousand years ago, the solar system was a place of magic and wonder! Unfortunately, my own memories of that time are a little spotty thanks to my jaunt through stasis, so I'll just read you this excerpt from the Dead Sea Scrolls instead. Let's see... according to the ancient dead sea scrolls, there was a magical kingdom on the moon some ten thousand years ago, ruled by the benevolent Queen Serenity. Now Serenity had created four Sailor Suited Pretty Senshi..." Luna frowned. "Wait, I thought their were nine Senshi? No matter. I'll continue. Let's see... they were created in order to defend against the coming of Adam, and the Second Impact. Unfortunately, the Pretty Soldiers were killed when Queen Beryl attacked the moon with the aid of the demon-queen Ayanami. Serenity managed to banish Beryl and her armies and to seal the demon-queen Ayanami within a magical spring in the Bayankala Range in China, but at great cost... with the last of her strength, she sent her child, her child's lover, the Sailor Senshi, and the four legendary Evangelion units forward into the future where they could live out their lives in happiness. She may or may not have sent forward the rest of the population of her kingdom - the scrolls aren't too clear on that. But she also made sure that her daughter and the rest sent forward would have access to their powers in case Queen Beryl were to return. And they still had to guard against Adam and the Second Impact, in any case. So there's only one thing to do! We need to find the four Evangelion units and use them to destroy the one in whom the Demon Queen has been reborn!"

Asuka hmmed thoughtfully. "So I guess I'm one of the Sailor Senshi reborn. A magical warrior with a high destiny, right?"

Luna nodded. "You were the Princess of the planet Mars."

Asuka grinned at that (in a disturbingly Cheshire-like manner). Her ego swollen to the breaking point, she opened her mouth to make some sort of self-centered comment. Unfortunately (and much to her annoyance), Akane spoke before she could get the chance.

"Well, what about me? Where does Tuxedo Mallet come into this?"

Luna blinked. "Um... I remember that Endymion used to wear the Tuxedo Mallet costume sometimes, but I can't really remember anything else. Endymion was the prince of the earth kingdom, I think."

Akane's eyes narrowed at that. "Prince?"

Luna gulped. "Er, Princess, of course!"

At that moment Kasumi walked in carrying a plate of cookies, two glasses of milk and a saucer filled with the same. "Hello Akane! I thought you and your friend might want some snacks, so I made you these cookies, and..."

"ONEEE-CHAN! Not in the middle of our secret Sailor Senshi meeting!"

A look of disbelieving horror crossed Luna's face at the intrusion. Asuka, on the other hand, contented herself with sweating-dropping.

"Oh my. How silly of me. Here, I'll just leave the cookies on your desk and let you get back to your secret Sailor Senshi meeting." She turned to Luna. "Good luck finding the Evangelions!" And with that, she walked out, a tranquil smile on her face.

Luna BIIIIG-sweated. "She... heard all that?"

At that moment, Ranma appeared in the window open window, hanging by his feet from the roof with an annoying smirk on his face. "Hey Prince Akane, sorry to interrupt yer secret Sailor Senshi meeting or whatever, but are you gonna eat those?" He pointed to the cookies.

Akane glared. "RANMA NO BAKA!" she screamed, smashing him in the face with the plate of cookies. Both he and the plate promptly went flying into the koi pond, where he landed with a splash. He (now she) sat up expressionlessly, absently munching the cookies that she had managed to catch in her mouth on the way down (which was most of them, actually, and it made her resemble nothing so much as a squirrel who was storing away food for the winter). "THNNPHS, APHNE!" she called tonelessly, the action sending crumbs spraying everywhere.

-------------------------

--- The Following Day ---

-------------------------

"GET BACK HERE, RANMA!" came the battle cry of one Akane Tendo as she burst through the front door of the classroom with all the grace and subtlety of a Wagnerian soprano, her battle aura flaring wildly.

For his part, Ranma just laughed and kept on running as he had been. "Nyaaa! Catch me if you can, tomboy!" he called over his shoulder as he ducked out through a window and dropped gracefully to the ground three floors below. That bought him maybe ten seconds before hurricane Akane came a-rumbling out the front entrance of the school. He waited for her, and that annoyed her, though not as much as it would have had he left her behind completely.

Akane produced mallet-sama and flung it at Ranma with all her might. As it flew towards Ranma's head...

"RANMA SAOTOME, PREPARE TO DIE!"

Ranma blinked, turning in the direction of the battle cry. A bandana-clad youth had snuck up on him, somehow, and he didn't have any way to dodge the umbrella that was headed directly for his face...

BLAM

Akane's thrown mallet, having missed Ranma, smacked the bandana-clad boy in the side of the head and knocked him out cold.

a few minutes later

The bandana-clad boy trembled with rage as Akane put another wet cloth on his head where her mallet had connected. With a visible struggle he forced himself to sit up as he said, "At last... at last I've found you! Ranma! Because of you, I've seen hell!"

Akane blinked. "Ranma, do you know him?"

Ranma shrugged. "Never seen him before in my life."

"Ranma... we saw him two days ago."

"Oh, right. Well, besides that, I've never seen him before."

Ryouga frowned as he rose unsteadily to his feet, ignoring Akane's concerned look. "Don't play dumb with me, Ranma!"

"Play?" asked Akane.

Ranma glared.

Ryouga decided then and there that this girl was alright by him. Still, he had business to attend to, and attend to it he would. "Tell me, Ranma, WHY DID YOU RUN OUT ON OUR FIGHT? It was a man to man challenge!"

Ranma blinked. "Waiiiiit... you're..."

Ryouga brightened. "Do you remember?"

"You know him after all?"

Ranma paused a moment, trying to remember... "Er... nope, sorry."

"Don't strain yourself."

"OH YEAH! Hibiki Ryouga! How ya doin', man? Bread, right?" With that, Ranma turned to leave, but before he could get much further than a few meters towards the local supermarket, a fierce battle-cry split the air.

"RANMA SAOTOME, PREPARE TO DIE!" cried a SECOND (and identical) bandana-clad boy as he leaped out of a nearby tree, swinging his umbrella at Ranma. Identical did I say? Well, not entirely. This one was a whole lot stronger and faster than the other one. His blow hit Ranma solidly, and into the wall went the pig-tailed boy, leaving a fairly large indentation.

Ranma contended himself with watching the chibi-winged-pandas that were circling his head, but Akane's eyes widened in surprise. "Two Ryougas?" she asked incredulously.

The second Ryouga glared imperiously down at Ranma, cracking his knuckles as he prepared to dish out additional punishment. "How dare you, Ranma! How dare you take Akane to the Tanaka Dojo in Hokkaido in the middle of a youma invasion!"

The first Ryouga shrugged helplessly. Figuring Akane's name from the second Ryouga's angry speech, he glanced towards the long-haired girl. "Gomen ne, Akane-san. This is the Ryouga from 'Sailor Ranko.' He's lost."

Both Ranma and Akane (and everyone else who was nearby, for that matter) sweatdropped heavily, none quite understanding what Ryouga had just said. "Huh?" came the collective response.

Ryouga1 smirked and proceeded to launch into a complicated explanation of the theory of multiple realities, and how there's a reality out there for every possibility, and that everything that can be either was, will be, or is now.

Akane nodded in understanding. She was the only one.

"HUH?" asked Ranma, a glazed look on his face.

Akane glanced at Ranma, shrugged faintly, and then said, "He's Ryouga's twin brother. They were separated at birth."

"Oh, right. You should have just said so! What, do you think I'm stupid or somethin'?"

"..."

"..."  
"..."

"What? What does THAT look mean?"

---------

Meanwhile, in the Dark Kingdom, Queen Beryl had come to a decision. In light of the third youma's failure to achieve any of her goals (and its annoying habit of attempting to steal her crystal bong while shrieking 'Josephine!' at the top of its lungs), she had decided that it was high time to let the fourth youma have its shot at tracking down Adam and starting the second impact. With that in mind, she carefully steepled her hands in front of her mouth and announced, "Jason Hall, King of Teh Monstars! I command you to come forth!"

There arose a shocked murmur amidst the court as, in the distance, the sound of giant footsteps began. Slowly the stomping grew louder, and eventually a ten foot tall monster with beady, bloodshot eyes and scraggly hair entered the room.

"RAARRRRR!" said Jason Hall, King of Teh Monstars (he was a 'monstar' of few words, most of which consisted of but one syllable).

Beryl rose to her full height and held her sceptre aloft. "MONSTER! GROOOOOOOW!" she shouted, calling down lighting from the sky. As the lightning struck the youma, he immediately shot up to a height of nearly a hundred feet tall! With that little detail taken care of, Beryl took a moment to smirk evilly before issuing her command. "Jason Hall, King of Teh Monstars, I command you to go forth! Find Adam and initiate the second impact, that the demon-queen Ayanami might be unleashed!" she paused a moment, considering what to say next. "...and while you're at it: I noticed that humans put a great deal of time and energy into playing video games. I want you to go out and drain humans of their gaming energy."

"RAARRRRR!" said Jason Hall, King of Teh Monstars as he went stomping through the portal that led to the human world.

Beryl frowned. Maybe this wasn't such a good idea... Jason Hall, King of Teh Monstars hadn't been quite the same since his game 'Blood 2' had flopped.

--------

A crowd had gathered, and no small number of students were staring at the goings on. Most were placing bets on whether or not Ranma would get into a fight with the new guys. The 'new guys,' in the meantime, sat on the ground next to Ranma and Akane, munching on the bread that Ranma had taken the time to retrieve.

"I still hate you, you know," said Ryouga.

"Yeah, whatever."

Akane shook her head incredulously. "So this whole thing - all of this - is over bread? Yeesh."

Ryouga2 spoke up. "For your information, this goes FAR beyond bread."

"Oh? How do you mean?"

"Because of Ranma, I'VE SEEN HELL!" said Ryouga2.

Ryouga frowned. "No you haven't. I'VE seen hell because of him. YOU'VE seen hell because of the Ranma from Sailor Ranko."

"Close enough," said Ryouga2. "And stop breaking the fourth wall. You'll start building up Paradox."

Akane rolled her eyes. "Looks like SOMEONE'S been reading 'Nerima by Night.'

"So how do ya figure it's my fault for you getting lost and wanderin' into hell?" Ranma asked.

At that moment, Jason Hall, King of Teh Monstars charged through the street outside of the school, smashing buildings, breathing fire, and eating pedestrians. Shrieks of terror and the sounds of destruction and carnage resounded through the neighborhood. "OH GOD!" a voice cried, "OH PLEASE GOD NO!" Another voice joined it. "MOM? ...Mom? ... mommy?" An explosion rocked the neighborhood, and the two voices were drowned in screams.

No one at Furinkan seemed to notice.

Ryouga carefully chewed the last piece of chow-mein bread, swallowed it, and then rose to his feet, his fist clenched in anger. "Ranma, you make me sick! As if mere words could convey the depths of my suffering!" He charged at Ranma, leading with his right fist. Ranma ducked underneath the punch, and then had to weave to the side to avoid a powerful kick. They went on like that for a few seconds before Ranma realized that Akane was trying to slip away.

"Hey Akane," he began, and ducked under another punch, jumped over a sweep-kick, and punched Ryouga in the nose, "Where ya goin'?"

"Sorry Ranma, no time to explain now. I'll tell you all about it later. It was nice meeting you, Ryougas! Ranma, don't you dare pick on them!"

Ranma glowered. And then got clocked when Ryouga2 joined the battle, even as Ryouga1 stared after Akane, totally lovestruck.

Ranma glared.

---------

"What's up, Luna?"

#Akane-chan! We won't be able to stop the monster unless we find Artemis!#

Asuka's voice came through the communicator next. #Where ya been, Akane-chan?#

"At school. Where you were supposed to have been as well."

#I've already graduated college.#

"Then why are you enrolled in high school?"

Akane frowned, lowering her communicator for a moment as she glanced about. "Ano," she said at length, raising the communicator back into close proximity with her mouth, "Who's Artemis?"

Luna's voice came out of the communicator. #Artemis is my partner. He's a mooncat, like I am. He's not answering his communicator, but we should be able to track him with it. Use the dials on the side of your communicator to set it to tracking mode. It will emit soft clicks as you get nearer to Artemis' communicator. You'll know you've found him when the clicks come with no delay between.#

Akane nodded. "Let's do this."

It was about fifteen minutes later when both Asuka and Akane, with Luna in tow, converged on the site of Artemis' communicator. It was lying on a bench at a bus stop, and the white mooncat was nowhere to be seen.

"... OK, now what?" asked Asuka.

Akane glanced about. "Hmm..."

Luna shook her head angrily. "What is he thinking? Why would he leave his communicator behind?"

"Shush!" said Akane. "Listen!"

Luna and Asuka fell silent, and perked their ears up to listen. Sure enough, a moment later, they noticed a muffled conversation – the sounds of voices coming from beyond the bushes behind the bus stop.

"I... I didn't think I'd see you again," said the first voice.

"That's Artemis!" Luna hissed.

The three of them began to creep back into the bushes, taking care to remain as silent as possible.

A second voice replied to the first. "You don't have to sound so disappointed."

Artemis sighed. "There you go again, trying to make me feel guilty enough to take you back."

"Don't you love me, Artemis?"

"I'm not like that anymore, Oscar. It was just a phase I went through. I was... experimenting. I was young and stupid, but that's over now. I think... it would be best if you leave."

Oscar burst into tears, and crashed through the bushes noisily as he (it?) ran away. Luna, Asuka, and Akane caught a glimpse of him for just a moment – a scrawny thirteen year old... person (it looked vaguely like a boy, but they couldn't really be sure) clad in sprite-soaked clothing – and then he was gone.

Asuka, Luna and Akane stared at Artemis, totally nonplused, and the white mooncat's fur stood on end – he could sense that he was being watched. He turned around... and flushed red.

"... Oh! Luna! Hi! Fancy meeting you here!"

Luna grew angry, and stalked towards Artemis as if he were a particularly annoying mouse. "Do you have something you're not telling me, Artemis?" she asked in a dangerous tone.

Artemis laughed nervously.

----------

Meanwhile, Ranma and the Ryougas were in an all out brawl... and Ranma was losing. Thinking quickly, Ranma pulled out his desperation move: the Saotome secret technique. That is to say, he ran away until such time as he could think of a way to defeat the two Ryougas. Unfortunately, the two Ryougas are quick to follow. Kuno spotted him a few moments later, and a sly smile flashed across his face as he bellowed, "FOUL SORCERER! YOUR TRICKS WILL NOT WORK THIS TIME! PREPARE TO MEET THY END AT THE HANDS OF MY MOST RIGHTEOUS BLADE!"

Kuno joined the chase. A moment later, Azusite jumped up out of the woodwork. "OOOOH, CHARLOTTE!" she yelled, and began chasing after Ryouga. Then the 1992 Denver Broncos made the scene and started chasing after Ranma as well. And then Jason Hall, King of Teh Monstars joined the parade. Then...

Cut to a shot of Shinji waking up to the whole unfamiliar ceiling thing. He was lying on a bed in a hospital room. "I'm alive?" he asked. He smiled, suddenly feeling like maybe life is worth living after all, and he couldn't help but notice how good the flowers that have been placed on his bed smell. And then Jason Hall's foot came down and squashed him, and he died. Again.

---------

"GET BACK HERE, ARTEMIS!" Luna cried as she, Akane, and Asuka chased after the white-furred mooncat.

"KYAAAAA!" yelled Artemis as he fleed in total panic.

The crowd pursuing Ranma charged by.

Akane, Asuka, Luna and Artemis skidded to a stop, not quite believing what they'd just seen.

"Ooookay... vengeance can wait. Artemis, show us where the Evangelion is buried!"

Artemis nodded. "Right. This way!"

---------

a few minutes later, beneath the Crown Game Center

Artemis looked down at the panel in front of him. "I don't know what these little display thingies mean, but they're all green, so I guess we're good to go."

"Synchro-start!" Luna exclaimed.

"You can do it, Asuka!" Akane said.

Asuka's voice: sounding too depressed for words "The world is a dark and lonely place."

Artemis: "That's the spirit! The more depressed you are, the more powerful your AT field will be!"

Asuka: GLARES at Artemis through the video feed "How... how could you do this to this poor innocent robot?"

Luna: "There's no time for that now, Asuka. Prepare to launch!"

Asuka: "No way! I'm not going to be seen in public piloting this thing!"

Luna: steps on the 'launch' button

Asuka: "WAIT! I said NO! I'm NOT going to launch! LUUUUUNAAAAAAA!"

-----------

Scene: All was peaceful. The birds were chirping, the sun was shining, and two young men were talking in the park. John Romero walked up to them and said that he has an idea for a game, and can they lend him some money? They ignored him. One of them smiled and asks the other how his family was doing.

Guy2 replied: "Ah, my wife is doing pretty well – she just got a job teaching first grade, you know. And wouldn't you know? My kid told me that I'm his favorite person in the whole world! I love them more than anything else..." sighs wistfully

Guy1: smiles

Guy2: "So how about you? Have you proposed to your girlfriend yet?"

Guy1: smile widens "I popped the question just last night; in the park. You now how it is there when the moon is full and its light casts that faint silver sheen over everything? And she said yes, too!"

Guy2: laughs and pats Guy1 on the back "Congratulations!"

Suddenly, the huge crowd of Ranma pursuers burst into the park through the trees. Jason Hall, King of Teh Monstars stopped short. He looked around as the crowd of Ranma pursuers vanished into the distance. He sniffed the air. "FEE FI FO FUM, I SMELL TEH BLOOD OF A SMARTY-MAN GAEM DESIGNAR! WHERE SI TEH SMARTY-MAN JOHN ROMERO?"

The two men looked up at him fearfully. "What? What are you talking about?"

"RARRRRRR!" said Jason Hall, King of Teh Monstars as he breathed fire on the two men, burning them both into charred skeletons, which promptly collapsed. The skeleton that used to be guy1 could be seen clutching the photograph of his smiling wife and child, and on the skeletal finger of guy2 was a golden ring.

John Romero tried to run away, and Jason Hall, King of Teh Monstars pursued him. Suddenly, John Romero smacked into an invisible wall, and a disembodied voice echoed loudly in the air: "You cannot leave without your buddy Superfly."

"NOOOO!" he shrieked as the giant catches up with him.

"Nobodey baught Blood 2 even though it was a vary quality gaem and I am furious and seek revenge by stomping smarty man gaem designers all throhougt Tokhyo! No offense, but DIE, JOHN ROMERO! RARRRRRRRRR!" Jason Hall, King of Teh Monstars, stomped John Romero into paste.

"HOLD IT RIGHT THERE!" came an amplified, distorted, but still recognizable as female, voice.

The giant whirled around to face the newcomer.

"Those who destroy innocent game designers are up for an ass-kicking! Piloting the Pretty Eva Sailor02, I am Sailor MARS!"

Rest assured, gentle reader; the worst you fear is true. There stood Evangelion unit 02... clad in a Sailor fuku (with a red gem in its tiara, and a red skirt, and a purple bow).

Jason Hall, King of Teh Monstars choked. This was a joke, wasn't it? ... he then fell over and died (due to his choking), hitting the ground with a tremendous thump.

#See, Asuka?# came Luna's voice over the radio, #It's not ridiculous, and it IS an effective weapon!#

Asuka tried very hard not to grind her teeth.

When she heard Akane's voice in the background saying how she was right after all and that Artemis owed her a coke, Asuka stopped trying.

END EPISODE 4

--- Author's notes ---

The only good climax is an anti-climax. .


	6. Martial Arts Figure Skating!

Ranma 1/2: WHY SAILOR PLUTO HATES THE BET  
A Ranma crossover fanfic  
by P.H. Wise

Episode 5: Martial Arts Figure Skating! Ranma has the grace of a princess?

Disclaimer: Sailor Moon is the property of Takeuichi Naoko. Ranma belongs to Takahashi Rumiko. Evangelion belongs to Gainax. The Bet concept and the accompanying cast and background of Mimir's Well belong to Metroanime (hoodyhoo, I finally put in the acknowledgement for The Bet!)

-------------------

"SHISHI HOKODAN!"

"... SHISHI... HOKODAN!"

"SHISHI HOKODAN!"

"Damnit, why isn't this working?"

Akane slid her window open and peered down at the yard below. There, some ten feet from the koi pond stood Saotome Ranma, trying for all he was worth to reproduce the ki blast that Ryoga (that is, the Ryouga from Sailor Ranko) had hit him with.

Trying... and failing.

"What do you think you're doing, Ranma?" she asked, her eyebrow twitching ever so slightly. "I'm TRYING to do my homework. Could you keep it down?"

Ranma glanced up at Akane and shook his head. "No can do, Akane. I GOTTA figure this out – Ranma Saotome never looses!"

"Loses, you mean."

"Whatever."

Akane's eyebrow continued to twitch. "Grammar is important, Ranma!" she yelled down at him. "You can't just go around using 'loose' when you mean 'lose!'"

Ranma didn't reply to her. "Hmm..." he began thinking aloud, "I'm pretty sure it had something to do with his ego barrier. Maybe... maybe if I make my own ego barrier stronger, I'll be able to pull off something similar."

"The last thing YOU need is for your ego to grow stronger."

"Aw, who asked you anyways?"

Akane shook her head and shut the window, leaving Ranma to his training. He had been at it for nearly three days straight now – ever since Ryoga had blasted him with that ki blast during the whole Jason Hall, King of Teh Monstars incident. She probably would have been more impressed with his determination to figure the move out if he had eased off on the 'uncute tomboy' comments, but that just wasn't the way things were working out between the two of them.

She sighed, sitting down on the edge of her bed as she began to ponder this 'fiance situation' that her father had gotten her into. They bickered constantly - it seemed like they couldn't so much as open their mouths without saying something hurtful to each other, whether it be him insulting her looks or her calling him a pervert or a fool. Just yesterday she had actually tried to apologize to the jerk, and what had she heard just as she was about to knock on the door but him complaining to his father about 'that kawaikunee, macho otenba you've stuck me with.' She had stormed off in a rage and was determined not to apologize unless he did it first. Punting him into orbit later that day had gone a long way towards improving her mood.

A shadow passed over her then. Blinking in surprise, Akane glanced about warily. Something was in the room. A flash of pink caught the corner of her eye as a vague shape leapt from behind her dresser to beneath her bed. For a moment she considered calling Ranma or her father to come find out what it was, but then, quelling her fear, she told herself that she was a martial artist and could handle whatever it was. Ever so slowly, she bent down and peeked beneath the bed. And that was when it attacked.

It leaped at her, then, claws outstretched, fangs bared, hissing like a monster straight out of hell. In response, Tendo Akane's eyes widened, she smiled beautifically, and she grabbed the pouncing kitten from out of the air. "KAWAII!" she shrieked as she glomped the hapless creature.

The kitten squirmed in her arms. 'DAMN YOU, RANMA!' it thought in a panic as it was nearly crushed by the overly-enthusiastic young girl's hug, 'THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT!'

-------------------

Ranma grumbled as he walked into the house. He just couldn't figure this out! How the HELL had Ryoga produced that blast of energy? It was starting to get depressing – three days straight and still nothing. To make matters worse, his fiancée was being even more annoying than usual. Funny, but he had actually tried to apologize to her the other day, and no sooner had he opened his mouth than Akane, with a scream of 'RANMA NO BAKA' had punted him into orbit. He was now determined not to apologize unless she apologized first.

"Ara, Ranma-chan, are you done exercising?"

"Hai, Kasumi-san," he called, tracing the path of her voice with his eyes until they met hers.

Kasumi smiled angelically from where she stood in the doorway to the kitchen. "The furo is ready if you want it. I've already told Akane-chan, so we won't have a repeat of last time."

Ranma blushed. "Thanks, Kasumi," he said as he made a quick retreat. He had not gone more than ten steps when he ran into his fiancée (not literally), just come out of her room and holding a small pink kitten with a strange crescent moon mark on its forehead.

"Hey Akane, where'd ya get the cat?"

Akane gave him an icy look. "Not that it's any of your business, but I found her in my room. I'm gonna call her 'N-chan'."

"I already told you," the Kitten began in an annoyed voice that sounded rather like a chipmunk on LSD, "My name is RYOUGA. I'm under a Jusenkyou curse, and I was in your room because I was lost!"

Ranma pikupikued. He looked from the talking kitten to Akane and back. "N-chan? Neko-chan?" he asked.

"That's right." Akane paused a moment, considering her next statement. "Ranma, if you're going to take a bath, take N-chan with you? I have homework, and you owe me for being such a jerk."

Ranma's expression hardened, and he was plainly about to refuse, but Akane didn't give him the chance. She shoved the kitten into his hands, went back into her room, and slammed the door.

The pig-tailed boy stood there for a moment, scratching his head. "Sure, whatever," he said after a moment, grabbing the kitten by the scruff of its neck and heading for the bathroom.

-------------------

--- Meanwhile -----

-------------------

Queen Beryl sat upon her throne, for the moment paying no heed to the crystal bong that floated before her, its fumes curling through the room and filling it all with a haze that was quite pleasant. Ruling the dark kingdom was a stressful job, and she needed its calming influence. Still, she had not time to enjoy that now – there was work to be done. Carefully steepling her hands in front of her mouth in such a way as to save on the cost of animation, Queen Beryl called out, "Giovannite, I command you to come forth!"

Giovannite appeared in a swirl of light. "What is your command, Queen Beryl?"

Beryl smirked, though you couldn't see it because her hands were blocking her mouth. "Because I'm feeling particularly surly today, I'm going to give you just ONE LAST CHANCE to gather energy and cause the second impact. ... or was that the third impact?" She paused, trying to puzzle that one out.

"It's hard to keep track sometimes, your sleaziness, but I believe this will be second impact."

"Yes, right. Regardless, you only have one more chance, and then I brainwash you and turn you into my personal boytoy."

Giovannite's eye twitched slightly. "Oh. ... I would... HATE... that. Really. Ok, so how does this sound, then? I'll put on an elaborate figure skating competition that will feature scantily clad female figure-skaters, and thus we shall harvest untold amounts of 'nosebleed-energy' from the primarily male audience."

Queen Beryl smirked. "It is a good plan. Proceed, Giovannite. And remember, this is your LAST chance."

-------------------

Elswhere...

Shinji awoke with a start, and... my God, it's full of stars! Stars were everywhere, and there was... oh, wait, actually, it was just the Will of the Cosmos hovering over him.

"Now, now, Shinji," she said, smiling sweetly at him (though how she did this without a mouth is quite beyond me), "We can't have you dying before your time. You were not meant to depart from this world just yet."

Shinji clambered to his feet. "You... you saved me?"

She inclined her mass of stars and nebulae.

Shinji smiled, and for him it was like when after a period of long infirmity, one suddenly awakens to find themselves unexpectedly well and the day once again full of promise. "Arigatou, Cosmos-chan. I can't thank you enough!"

The Will of the Cosmos curtseyed. "Just doing my job. Run along now."

Shinji turned and walked away, a spring in his step, filled with a pleasant feeling of contentment.

He was then run over by a bus.

The Will of the Cosmos smiled and vanished, briefly wondering as she did so whether or not Shinji enjoyed his extra ten seconds of life.

The bus door opened, and out stepped a number of people, none of them either noticing or caring about the steaming corpse beneath its wheels. Finally, out stepped Asuka. She was clad in a rather skimpy outfit that pretty much everyone around her recognized as the uniform of a martial arts figure skater (this was Nerima, after all, and there WAS a competition today), a look of determination in her eyes. The winner got two hundred-thousand yen, and that money could really help her and her grandfather (but mostly her. He wasn't getting any of it – he'd just waste it on buying used women's underwear).

As her feet touched the pavement, she very nearly slipped on the pool of blood that had collected around Shinji's corpse. She looked down and frowned. "Baka-Shinji," she muttered as she stepped up onto the curb.

As the bus pulled away, she recognized two people walking by in the crowd nearby. Everyone recognized them, actually, which was why there was a considerable bubble of empty space around them into which no sane man would step, even though the area was actually fairly crowded.

Akane smiled as she glomped a pink kitten to her chest. A pink kitten... with a crescent moon mark! Maybe it was related to Luna and Artemis!

Smiling brightly, Asuka approached the pair.

"I'm tellin' ya Akane, that's Ryouga! He transformed the moment I dunked him in the bathtub! Put him down already, would ya!"

Akane sniffed in an appropriately Robert Jordan-esque fashion. "We're not listening, are we, N-chan?"

Neko-chan squirmed in Akane's arms, now VERY uncomfortable with her position of being squashed against her not inconsiderable chest. "Let me go! For the love of Kami-sama!" cried the ridiculously kawaii little pink kitten.

Asuka opened her mouth to call to the pair, but words failed her as at that moment there came an explosion of concrete. A moment later, a somewhat weathered young man leaped up out of the hole in the ground that the explosion had produced. "Now where am I?" he asked. Without waiting for an answer, the directionally challenged young man clenched his fist as he was nearly overcome with frustration. "WHERE IS THE TANAKA DOJO IN HOKKAIDO?" he cried, a note of desperation edging into his voice.

Ranma glanced towards Ryoga, somewhat nonplussed. "I dunno. Hokkaido, maybe?"

Ryoga GLAAAAAAARED at Ranma. "Saotome! How dare you mock me!" He began to glow a sickly green as he gathered up his energy. "DIE! SHISHI HOKODAN!" With those words, the energy was released in a ball of green energy that blasted Ranma into the ground.

Ranma climbed out of the crater the impact had produced, rubbing his head and grumbling, "how the hell does he DO it?"

Akane smirked triumphantly as she continued to cut off the course of Neko-chan's breathing. "See, Ranma? I TOLD you N-chan wasn't Ryouga."

Ranma glared.

"Oh, Akane-san!" said Ryoga, blushing heavily. "I didn't see you there!"

Akane was just about to respond, when suddenly, Azucite came running into view from around a corner. "AAAAH!" she cried aloud as she seized Neko-chan from out of Akane's grasp. "CHARLOTTE! CHARLOTTE!"

"HEY!" Akane yelled, her anger now quite apparent in her voice and demeanor, "That's MY PET! Put her down!"

Neko-chan hissed as Azusa glomped her twice as hard as Akane ever had. Somehow, after making a truly amazing leap of logic, she still managed to get out the following: "I'M NOT A PET! RANMA, I WILL NEVER FORGIVE THIS INSULT!"

Instead of replying, Ranma clambered to his feet and began to concentrate, trying to build up his AT-field. He'd never tried to use it in male form, but he could feel it there, just beneath the surface...

Ryoga frowned. "Saotome, how dare you not pay attention to me after I blasted you! Prepare to die!" And with those words, he charged.

--- Meanwhile ---

"Queen Beryl! AT Field detected! Pattern mauve... wait, no, I mean blue!"

Queen Beryl smirked. "Indeed. The demon-queen stirs. That energy should draw Adam like a moth to a flame."

"What should we do, your highness?"

Beryl blinked, looking down at the servant with a confused expression on her face. "... do?"

-------------------

Elsewhere, in the heart of an ancient Shinto shrine, an ancient evil stirred, gradually pulling itself up from the depths of slumber. It sensed something... something which it hadn't felt for nearly a thousand (or ten-thousand, depending on who you ask) years. Yes... SHE was here. It laughed out loud as it rose to its feet. Yes, this was a good day. Today was the day that it would finally merge with HER. Today was the day that it could finally remake the world in the image of its own choosing – an image of PANTIES!

His eyes glowing an eerie red, Happosai began to cackle madly as he rushed out into the streets of Juuban. Wait, did I say Juuban? I meant 'Nermia,' of course. It's so easy to get those two confused; the one is the home of the Sailor Senshi, and the other the magical realm beyond the Wardrobe, ruled by the insufferably cute kitten named Nermslan. Wait... no, I'm wrong again – it was the streets of Nerima that he rushed out into. Alright then.

-------------------

As Ranma and Ryouga exchanged blows (well, it was more like Ryouga kept trying to pummel Ranma, and all his blows kept on bouncing off of this freaky barrier that had formed in front of the pig-tailed boy), Asuka frowned deeply and stomped her feet as loudly as she could. "Hey, stop upstaging me!" It wasn't entirely clear to whom this was addressed.

No one listened to her.

Ranma concentrated intensely on maintaining the barrier. As Ryouga continued in his struggles to get past it, it only grew stronger, and lighter – slowly, it shifted from the red spectrum into the orange, and Ranma felt that familiar ice closing in around his consciousness.

Asuka GLARED at Ranma. "I really hate him. ... I guess it could be worse, though. It could be Shinji upstaging me instead."

Shinji's corpse twitched faintly as the last remnants of life left his body, surrounded by a pool of his own blood.

Asuka twitched. That did it! She stomped on Shinji's corpse as hard as she could as she cried, "Saotome! I challenge you to Martial Arts Figure Skating! I'll PROVE that I'm better than you!"

The ice shattered. Ranma blinked in surprise and glanced towards Asuka. Alas, in so doing he failed to keep his attention focused on the generation of his ego-barrier. Ryoga's next punch shattered the barrier, and Ranma seemed to vanish.

Ryouga whirled about, searching for where his arch-nemesis might have gone to. "DAMN YOU, RANMA! HOW DARE YOU RUN AWAY?"

And that was when the pig-tailed boy came down feet first on Ryouga's head. The eternal lost boy met the pavement face-first with a tremendous crack. Ranma glared at Asuka. "Fine. YOU'RE ON!"

Akane glared. She had lost track of n-chan and the psychotic girl who'd stolen her in the confusion. She was about to blame it on Ranma, when something caught her attention. Ranma's eyes – Otoko-Ranma's eyes – had changed colour. No longer brilliant blue, they were now blue shot through with flecks of red.

She frowned.

-------------------

"You're seriously going to do this, Ranma?" Akane asked, looking uncertainly/jealously at the custom-made Martial Arts Figure-Skater costume that Ranma was wearing, which bore no small resemblance to the fighting costume of one Mai Shiranui (although Ranma, despite the fact that her girl-side was quite lovely, was not quite Mai's equal in... stature). Akane tried not to grind her teeth. It wasn't fair that a boy should have a cursed body that was better looking than hers!

Genma-panda held up a sign. The heir to the Saotome school of Indiscriminate Grappling must accept ALL challenges!

Ranma nodded in agreement. "I got no choice." She ventured a ghost of a smile, an echo of the muted amusement that she felt beneath the numbing cold that being in her cursed form always brought. "And besides, I look good in it."

Akane's eyebrow twitched. "Guys aren't supposed to look good in that kind of costume!"

Ranma smirked ever so slightly. "Do I look like a guy to you?" She had tried for wry humor, but her voice wasn't cooperating. All that actually came out was total deadpan.

Akane blinked. When Ranma had first arrived, he would never have made such a statement. She wondered... did this mean he was getting used to his curse and easing up on the macho-ness, or did this mean that the curse was affecting his mind? ... or maybe, was that what he WANTED her to think?

Genma-panda blinked, its eye twitching slightly.

Ranma kept right on almost smirking as she walked out of the house. "It's not like you can get Ryouga back any other way," he said, glancing over his shoulder at the pair. You said yourself that after Ryoga knocked me out," her smirk faltered slightly at that, "That girl DID announce that 'her darling Charlette' is the grand prize of this tournament, remember?"

Shaking her head incredulously, Akane followed her fiancée (yes, fiancée – Ranma's a girl now, after all. And besides, we all know that Akane's the one that's wearing the pants in this relationship, right?).

-------------------

"So you're sure you're able to do this, Ranma?" Akane asked for what must have been the twentieth time.

Ranma, who was now stepping onto the ice and into the field of view of the predominantly male (and nose-bleeding) audience, smirked. "Of course! I can do ANYTHING that has martial arts in the name!"

She then fell over.

Akane facepalmed.

The battle did not go well. Ranma had never skated before. Asuka was an expert. As a result, she not only mopped the floor with Ranma, but she added insult to injury by making it look easy. Still, none of the audience members particularly minded. They hadn't come to see figure skating, after all.

Luna frowned as she watched the goings on through a small camera that she had planted on Asuka's costume (which nearly everyone she ran into commented on). There was something naggingly familiar about Ranma's clumsiness on the ice... something she was missing... what could it be? ... it hit her at about the same time that Ranma's face was hitting the floor after one of Asuka's particularly vicious attacks: Ranma's clumsiness on the ice could mean only one thing! Suddenly, she saw Ranma in a whole new light! Of course she'd have to find a way to lock her in her cursed form (or as she thought of it, in her true form), but once that was accomplished, she was sure she'd find a way to free her of the influence of the demon-queen. Yes, that's exactly what she was going to do! Sometimes, she was so brilliant that she even frightened herself!

Whipping out her communicator, Luna quickly pressed the button that put her in touch with Artemis.

"Hai, Luna, what's up?"

"Artemis, I have good news! I've found the Moon Princess!"

Several minutes later, a somewhat nonplussed Asuka was receiving her prize: Neko-chan.

"WHAT'S THE MEANING OF THIS?" she demanded, flinging neko-chan violently away. "WHERE'S THE 200,000 yen that was SUPPOSED to be the prize?"

Sanzenin Mikado shrugged. "I can kiss you as well if you like."

Asuka glared the glare of death.

"Don't make such a scary face! It spoils your beauty!"

Ranma stared blankly down at her own hand, unconsciously clenching and unclenching it. "... I lost. How could I loose? Saotome Ranmadoesn't loose!"

"That's 'lose,' Ranma."

"Whatever... it still doesn't change. I lost! To a girl!"

Akane frowned. "Is there something wrong with that?"

"You wouldn't understa..."

And at that moment, a shriveled old man came leaping out of Nowhere. "AYANAMI-CHAN!" he cried as he glomped onto Ranma's ample bosom.

"GRANDPA?" Asuka cried aloud.

Dead silence fell upon the room.

"That's strange," said Happosai, frowning at Ranma, "Why haven't we merged yet? I want my new world of panties! Listen here, Ayanami, you'll merge with me if you know what's good for you!"

It was then that he realized that Ranma was glowing blood-red, her eyes shining with a fell light.

He swallowed nervously. Ayanami could kill him fairly easily... "All right, all right. If you going to kill me, can you at least do one thing first?"

WHAT? Ranma asked, her voice causing the very ground beneath them to tremble.

Happosai looked hopeful as he pulled a frilly white bra out of his pocket. "Could you, maybe, put this on?"

DIE! Ranma shrieked, her voice nearly deafening everyone in the room. The red energy surged out at Happosai violently. The shriveled pervert's world dissolved into a haze of pain as he was launched into Low Earth Orbit by the force of the blast.

He came down in Antarctica a few hours later, landing directly on top of Dr. Katsuragi, whose expedition had only just finished setting up their equipment. Dr. Katsuragi staggered under the force of the impact, stumbling into a nearby piece of machinery. Now, this specific piece of machinery was one of the first devices to be powered by the revolutionary Shizuma drive. This in itself was not a bad thing. What WAS a bad thing was that when Happosai's AT field came into contact with the energies of the Shizuma drive, they caused a chain reaction that sparked the Second Impact, which in turn killed the majority of Terra's population.

-------------------

Toltiir grumbled to himself as he knocked on the door to Sailor Pluto's apartment in Asgard. "Yo P, you in there?" he called. "Kami-sama told me to give you a message, though why I should be his errand-boy is beyond me. I'm not bitter though. The jerk."

After waiting several minutes and receiving no answer, Toltiir took the time to grumble for a bit before knocking again. No answer. "I swear, I am so going to kill him for this. I'm a god! Why does he have to give me jobs like this? It's not like it's MY fault that

Yggdrasil's not working anymore." With that bit of grumbling done, Toltiir reached out and opened the door. "P?" he called.

And then he paled. Not a white sort of pale. No, not white. Rather a sick green sort of pale. "Uuuuggggh... oh God, that's just not RIGHT!" he exclaimed as he slammed the door shut and tried very hard not to lose his lunch. He tried even harder to ignore the cries of, "Oh, Lhu-chan! Yes, right there! Yes! Oh!" that were still faintly audible from beneath the door.

"Someone will die for this!" he said, both eyes twitching like mad.

-------------------

Some time later, a somewhat disheveled Sailor Pluto emerged from

the apartment.

"You had a message for me?" she asked, brushing a stray strand of hair out of her eyes.

Toltiir stood up and wiped his mouth, still looking rather green, but no longer in danger of losing his lunch (it was already gone, after all). "Hai," he said faintly as he handed her the message. "Though why I've been made message-boy for the Almighty is beyond me. Oh, and the world broke, by the way."

Pluto lowered the message slowly. "... WHAT?"

"The world. It blew up. Everyone's dead because of second impact."

Pluto glanced at the message again. Great. It was time to get to work. She HATED changing history – it ALWAYS gave her migraines, but a quick trip to the gates of time later, second impact has been undone (and all it took was porting the Katsuragi expedition to El Hazard before Happosai could land on them).

-------------------

As Happosai sailed off into the distance, Ranma slowly began to calm down, the red glow around her beginning to fade and the look of pure hatred slowly departing from her face. "Good riddance." she said as she turned and walked away. All the others did likewise, it being quite obvious to them that the show was over. All save Akane, that is, who looked up at the announcer's booth thoughtfully and frowned.

Ok, so maybe I lied. Akane wasn't the ONLY one not to leave. Luna also lingered, lost in thought. That last action had confirmed it – not only did Ranma have the grace of the Princess, she also had the temper of the Princess. There was no doubt; she was the one. But how to lock her in female form...?

It came to her in a sudden flash of inspiration: the locket! The moon Princess was Sailor Moon! Everyone knew that (Alas, Luna's memory was shot to hell thanks to her jaunt through stasis, otherwise she would have recalled that there wasn't a Sailor Moon in the Silver Millennium)! The Senshi transformation forced its respective Senshi to become female regardless of their original gender. Therefore, if she were to reroute the locket's magi-quantum matrix through it's forward deflector array (1), she'd be able to use its energy to lock Ranma in female form permanently! Laughing to herself (and imagining how happy her Princess would be once she was properly female again and cleansed of the influence of the demon-queen), Luna scampered off towards the exit.

-------------------

Giovannite frowned as he appeared in the middle of the now abandoned ice-skating rink. While he had gathered a great deal of 'nosebleed energy,' things had not quite gone the way he had planned. With a shrug, he prepared to teleport away, when suddenly, from behind him a voice called out: "Hold it right there!"

Giovannite whirled around... only to find himself face to face with one Tuxedo Mallet.

"Womanizing perverts cannot be forgiven, yet there may still be hope for you," she said, holding mallet-sama over his head. "Repent, give up your womanizing and perverted ways, and I'll let you live."

Giovannite's eyes widened. "No! Never!"

"Repent!"

"No!"

"Yes!"

"No!"

"Yes!"

"No!"

Tuxedo Mallet paused, her eyes taking on a strange glow. "I give you one Final chance, Giovannite. Repent. If you don't, then I will invite you to MY home for dinner."

Giovannite perked up at that. Dinner at the Tendos? Kasumi's cooking? "I shall never repent!" he exclaimed defiantly.

Akane nodded. "Very well." She looked directly at Giovannite, then, but it wasn't to him that she spoke. "His guilt is far in excess of his punishment."

She gestured, and immediately a portal opened beneath him, dragging him straight to hell. The hell of the eternal free-floating mallet-sama, to be specific, also known as 'hammer-space.' Originally created as a punishment for Don Juan, it was also used as a place of torment for all of his would-be followers and reincarnations.

The portal began to swirl shut, but before it could close completely, Azucite caught sight of one of the free-floating mallets on the other side. She promptly leapt into it with a giddy cry of, "Jean-Claude!"

Akane shook her head. "Damn perverts," she growled, completely unaware of the horrible, horrible pun she had just uttered.

END EPISODE 5

-------------------

1 – Hey, it works in Star-Trek.

--- OMAKE ---

And now, for either the first or second time ever (I can't remember which), the four levels of gender ambiguity in anime!

- Gender Ambiguity Level 1 -

The character looks bishounen if male, or slightly boyish if female. Examples: Hitomi (Escaflowne), any of the male characters in Gundam Wing, and 99 of all of the male characters in every series ever written by CLAMP.

- Gender Ambiguity Level 2 -

The character in question is able to impersonate a member of the opposite sex without much trouble. Frequently mistaken for a member of the opposite sex. Examples: Haruka (Sailor Moon), Arashi (original character, Sailor Moon), Yellow Dancer (Invid Invasion), Yui (Fushigi Yuugi – come on, she's practically identical to Haruka), Zoicite (who is MALE and from Sailor Moon), etc.

- Gender Ambiguity Level 3 -

A character with gender ambiguity level 3 is actually able to transform him or herself into a member of the opposite gender. Examples: Ranma (Ranma 1/2), Futaba (Futaba-kun Change), Sailor Star Fighter, Sailor Star Healer, Sailor Star Maker (Sailor Moon).

- Gender Ambiguity Level 4 -

A character with this level of gender ambiguity transforms into a giant golden monkey.


	7. Evas, Angels, and CrossTemporal Spores

key:  
Ryouga - native Ryouga  
Ryoga - the Ryouga from 'Sailor Ranko'

Disclaimer: Sailor Moon is the property of Takeuichi Naoko. Ranma belongs to Takahashi Rumiko. Evangelion belongs to Gainax. The Bet concept and the accompanying cast and background of Mimir's Well belong to Metroanime.

------------------

High above the district of Nerima, a cloud began to form. It was much like any other cloud; fluffy, swirling out in a spiral pattern, and a shade of pink so painful that any who were unfortunate enough to look upon it instantly went blind. A perfectly normal cloud, all in all. Really. From this cloud descended a kind of... spore. A ... PINK... spore, to be exact. Yes, gentle reader, from that horribly pink cloud descended a sickeningly cute pink-haired, red-eyed little girl named Chibi-Usa, Mary Poppins style.

Clutching firmly to the (pink) umbrella that was slowing her descent, Chibi-Usa heaved a sigh of relief. She had made it! Now all she had to do was...

"SUCKER!" cried a two hundred foot tall creature that resembled nothing so much as a bizarre cross between a female human and a lollipop as it flung a handful of disturbingly phallic lollipops at Sailor02.

Sailor02 ROAAARED in fury as the disturbingly phallic lollipops struck it dead on and exploded on impact. The force of the blast knocked the pretty Evangelion back through several large office buildings.

Chibi-Usa sweatdropped. What the hell was this?

"I can't beat her, Luna! She's too strong!" cried Asuka from the entry plug of Sailor02.

#You can do it, Sailor Mars!" came Artemis' voice from their headquarters beneath the Crown Arcade Center, #We believe in you!#

"In other words, we're not going to help you, so nyaa nyaa?"

#Well, I thought MY way of saying it was a lot nicer than that...#

"SUCKER!" cried Sucker once more as she blasted Sailor02 off her feet with another volley of exploding lollipops.

#Quickly, you have to stop her, Sailor Mars! She's escaping with all of that stolen Candy-Energy!"

Sailor02 rose to its feet, then, and just as it was about to launch into pursuit of the youma... it ran out of power and shut down.

"... I hate my life," said Asuka, grinding her teeth as she watched the youma flee.

------------------

Chibi-Usa was not the only one to watch this scene, however. Besides half the population of the city and at least twelve major television news networks, there was another pair of eyes observing the happenings of the day.

Frowning thoughtfully, a girl with long purple hair leapt down from the tree that had been her vantage point for the duration of the battle between the pretty Eva and the giant youma. "Come, stupid Mousse." she called, her voice thick with a Chinese accent. Without waiting for 'Mousse', the Chinese girl turned and began to walk away.

A rustling noise came from the tree where she had been sitting, and a moment later, a warm-water penguin tumbled down to the street, waarking loudly as it chased after her.

------------------

Ranma 1/2: WHY SAILOR PLUTO HATES THE BET  
A Ranma Crossover fanfic  
by P.H. Wise

Episode 6: Evas, Angels, and Cross-Temporal Spores

------------------

Within her dark throne room, Queen Beryl gazed into the crystal bong set before her throne, attended by nearly a hundred courtiers and assorted servants. She didn't notice any of them, however, as she was somewhat preoccupied with steepling her hands in front of her face and smirking in an annoying fashion.

"Giovannite!" she called out in an imperious tone. "I command you to come forth!"

dead silence

Queen Beryl frowned. "Giovannite? Come forth or I shall have you flayed immediately!"

Several courtiers coughed nervously.

"Your pardon, my queen," said a young female courtier, "But Giovannite is currently unavoidably detained. He no doubt regrets that he will no longer be able to serve your royal slinkiness."

Queen Beryl's eye twitched slightly. "How has he been detained? Why could POSSIBLY be more important than attending my every whim? Where IS HE?"

"In Hell, my queen."

Beryl blinked. "Truly? Which one?"

"I believe it was the Hell of the Free-Floating Mallet-Sama, your majesty."

The queen pondered this turn of events for a few moments. "...

Oh well, I suppose he had it coming. ROSEITE! I COMMAND YOU TO APPEAR BEFORE ME!"

At those words, two things happened. First, the entire court facefaulted, and second, a loud and annoying laugh filled the chamber.

"OOOOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHO!" laughed Roseite as she appeared in a swirl of black rose petals. "What is your command, my queen?"

Beryl cringed, gritting her teeth as the echoes of THAT LAUGH faded to silence. When the last echoes had faded, she began to speak. "Your plan to use the fifth youma to gather energy has proven fruitful, Roseite. I expect that you will have no trouble dealing with the Sailor Senshi?"

"None whatsoever, my Queen."

"Very well, then. Go forth and gather MORE energy for the glory of the Nega.. I mean, the Dark Kingdom! And while you're at it, I've detected a strange energy signature coming from a little girl who fell out of a time vortex. Capture her for me, would you?"

Roseite laughed. Yes, THAT laugh, and it caused everyone in the room to cringe as she slowly faded in a swirl of black rose petals.

Silence hung in the throne room for a few moments after her departure before Beryl spoke again: "Remind me to have her shot when she returns."

------------------

Morning came at the Tendo dojo much as it usually does. It began with a loud splash, followed by an oddly emotionless female cry, 'What'd you do that for?" which in turn was followed by the sound of Tendo Akane's laughter.

Grumbling to herself and brushing a few strands of now very wet blue hair out of her eyes, Saotome Ranma clambered out of bed. "Every single morning and she NEVER gets tired of it... stupid sexless tomboy..." She continued grumbling (though anyone listening would think it odd that her grumbles sounded so toneless – it wasn't just that her heart wasn't in it – it was more that, from the sound of it, she didn't have a heart to put in it in the first place) as she made her way over to the bathroom and got some hot water from the sink to restore herself to her proper gender. Now in a considerably better mood, Ranma smiled as he went about getting ready for school. He had just managed to put on one of his Chinese clothing sets, when he was ambushed by his overly-zealous father. He never saw the panda-sign coming, and as such, it sent him flying out the window and straight into the koi pond with a tremendous splash.

Grumbling, wet, and female for the second time that day, Ranma went in and ate breakfast. He was able to get some hot water from Kasumi to change back before setting out for school. Unfortunately, en route to school... there's the ladle-lady!

Ranma tried very hard not to destroy anything as she resigned herself to simply going to school as a girl for the day. Oh sure, she could stop at Doctor Tofu's for more hot water, but then there was also the canal between there and school, and Ranma really didn't want to bother with it at this point.

------------------

By the time Ranma got to class, she had dried off somewhat. Still, that was the least of her worries at that point. While some of the people in class knew about her transformation, most did not. Particularly, Onizuka- sensei did not.

"... And who are you?" he asked, an eyebrow raised at the bedraggled pigtailed girl.

"Ranma Saotome," she replied. THAT certainly got her more than a few strange looks. Still, Onizuka-sensei took it in stride. With a shrug that said, 'OK, whatever,' he told her to take her seat.

Fairly quickly, Ranma had nearly a dozen notes on her desk, most of them asking variants on, "Who are you and where's Ranma?" while the rest of them asked more personal questions, along the lines of, "What are your three sizes?"

As she clenched her fist around one of the offending notes, a dull red aura sprang up around the pigtailed girl. No, this day was NOT going well.

The day dragged on, and though the classes changed, the teacher did not. No one else was willing to teach this particular class, after all. It was at some point during mathematics that Ranma began to nod off. Alas, her retreat into Morpheus' embrace was cut short when Hiroshi, a boy who sat nearby, elbowed her awake, whispering frantically, "Trying to sleep in class, are you crazy? Word is that at his old school, Onizuka-sensei beat up his entire class for not paying attention!"

Muttering her thanks, Ranma turned and sized up the teacher. After a moment's consideration, she decided that although she could probably take him on, it would be better NOT to get into a fist fight with your sensei.

Had it ended there, the day probably could have been salvaged. Alas, Hiroshi chose that moment to lean over towards Ranma and whisper, "Say, you want to go out for some tea later?"

Ranma's vision went entirely red at that, and she just LOOKED at Hiroshi, her face completely expressionless.

Hiroshi couldn't explain WHY, but he suddenly became terrified of the blue-haired, pigtailed girl sitting next to him. He spent the next ten minutes whimpering and cowering under his desk, no matter how the teacher tried to coax him out.

---------------

---- Later ----

---------------

A purple-haired girl stood on the roof of Furinkan high school, clad in a Chinese dress with a yin-yang symbol on the front (all in all bearing no small resemblance to the uniform of the Mamono Hunter in the neighboring ward). School had just ended, and she was watching the crowd carefully as the students filed out. At her side stood a warm water penguin with the word, 'Pen2' written on its metal collar.

As Akane and Onna-Ranma emerged from the building, the girl smiled. She watched as the two girls departed from the school grounds before speaking her thoughts aloud. "Is no doubt: that girl Ayanami. Great Grandmother be very proud of Shampoo when Shampoo tell her!"

At her side, the penguin let out a doubtful WAAAARK.

Shampoo directed an annoyed look at the creature. "Shut up, stupid Mousse. Shampoo not need you start acting like stupid Lillim. That girl DEFINITELY Ayanami."

--------------------

Meanwhile, in Heaven

--------------------

Meioh Setsuna grimaced. The summons had reached her some ten minutes earlier (just as she was climbing out of bed). She couldn't remember much of the past few days, but the throbbing headache she was experiencing, combined with the fact that she had been summoned to Kami-sama's office, lead her to believe that whatever had happened, it hadn't been good.

She stood now outside the door to His office, awaiting permission to enter.

She did not wait long – it was only a few moments before His secretary smiled and informed her that, "Kami-sama will see you now."

The double-doors swung open, flooding the waiting room with light. Swallowing nervously, Setsuna went in. Not even the daughter of Chronos could face the All-Mighty stoically.

For being the office of the Great I Am, it was actually quite plain. Once you got past the whole glory of the Lord thing and the circles of seraphim singing unending hymns of praise that could be seen through the window, that is. But really – a supremely comfortable leather office chair, a nice desk (on which Kami-sama's personal computer was set up), a water cooler (with both hot and cold water options) in the corner, and a coffee maker set up on a small table next to the water cooler.

Oh, and we can't forget God, now can we? Yeah, She was there. And Canadian. And I suppose the four living creatures bear mentioning as well, each with four wings and four faces (human, lion, ox and eagle), with humanoid bodies save for the cloven feet and the fact that they were glowing like hot coals. Oh, and beside each creature were wheels within wheels that sparkled like chrysolite.

"You called for me, Father?" asked Setsuna in a nervous voice.

"I did," said Kami-sama. "Setsuna-chan, we need to talk."

"Is this about my going back in time and changing history?"

Kami-sama smiled. "No, Setsuna-chan, I don't mind about that. What I'm more concerned with is your relationship with the Things Which Man Was Not Meant to Know."

Setsuna blinked, her headache instantly clearing as the memory of the past few days came flooding back to her. "... Lhu-chan?" she asked.

God inclined Her head. "You know very well that the Elder Things have a very different way of looking at the world than any other creation of mine, right?"

Setsuna nodded, not liking where this was going but keeping quiet about it regardless.

"Cthulhu is the type of creature that will be perfectly happy making love one moment and devouring all that exists the next. I don't want to see you hurt, my daughter. Not to mention that since Cthulhu was the one who sent your timeline straight to hell (figuritively speaking, of course), he probably won't be too keen on the idea of letting you set things straight."

She sniffed, her eyes tearing up as she looked into God's compassionate face. "So I have to stop seeing him?" she asked in a trembling voice.

"I'm afraid so. You've got the Sight, Setsuna-chan. What is happening right now two days hence if you don't end your relationship with Cthulhu?"

Setsuna began to cry. "Right... right now... two..." she sniffed, "Two days hence, I'm dead and Cthulhu is going on a rampage through Heaven. It takes seven days for the hosts of Heaven to finally destroy the creature, and at the cost of nearly ten thousand angels and some twenty seven gods and goddesses." As she spoke her voice became more and more thick with emotion, sounding perfectly miserable by the word 'twenty'.

Kami-sama nodded sadly as She embraced Her daughter. "I'm sorry, Setsuna-chan. Some times these things just don't work out."

One of the living creatures whispered something to Kami-sama, who seemed to brighten up after hearing it. "Now there's an idea! Setsuna-chan, have you ever played skee-ball?"

Setsuna blinked in surprise, her eyes still wet with tears. "... Skee-ball?" she asked.

Kami-sama grinned.

---------------

Back on Earth

---------------

"Tadaima!" called Akane as she walked through the front door of the Tendo residence, echoed half-heartedly a moment later by Ranma.

"Okaeri!" came Kasumi's voice from the kitchen.

"Kasumi, could I get some hot water?" asked Ranma as she stepped into the kitchen, followed closely by Akane.

"Hai, Ranma-kun!" replied Kasumi as she handed him the tea-kettle that she had prepared for just this occurrence. Ranma nearly ALWAYS needed hot water upon returning home. "Here you go."

"Arigatou, Kasumi," said Ranma as she poured the hot (but not scalding) water over her head and restored herself to her birth gender. Once the change was complete, he breathed a sigh of relief. "Man, that sucked. I hate bein' a girl for that long!"

Akane smirked. "You'd think you'd be used to it by now."

Ranma gave her a sour look. "It ain't something ya get used to. I can't figure out how you can stand how COLD it is to be a girl."

"Cold?" asked Akane.

"Yeah! Whenever I'm in girl form, it's always freezin'. Like I'm buried in ice or somethin'."

Akane exchanged worried glances with Kasumi.

"This happens every time you change, Ranma-chan?" Kasumi asked.

Ranma nodded. "It goes away when I change back... though it's been takin' longer to go away than it used to. It ain't just the cold, though. It gets real hard to feel stuff."

"Feel stuff?" asked Akane.

"Yah. Like happiness n' stuff. Emotions. I can still feel 'em, they're just kinda dulled, like they can't reach through the ice."

"Ranma-chan," said Kasumi, speaking slowly, clearly concerned, "What you're describing isn't normal. Not for girls, not for boys."

Ranma frowned. "... Ya mean there's somethin' wrong with my curse?"

Akane looked at Ranma very carefully then. Her anger briefly warred with her growing sympathy for the pig-tailed boy... and then her expression softened. "It might be the way it's supposed to work, Ranma."

Kasumi nodded in agreement. "Ara, it's a curse isn't it? Maybe the ice is a part of that."

Luna padded into the room then, walking right up to Kasumi, pawing at her legs and meowing cutely.

Kasumi glanced down at the black moon-cat with a smile. "Hello, Luna. Would you like some milk?" she asked.

"Meow!" said Luna, and Kasumi smiled back cheerfully.

There was a long silence.

Eventually, a BIIIG sweatdrop appeared on Luna's head, and she said, "... Yes, please, Kasumi-sama."

Kasumi nodded at that and quickly retrieved a saucer full of milk for Luna.

Ranma rolled his eyes.

"So how was school, Ranma?" Kasumi asked as she straightened up.

Ranma opened his mouth to respond, but got no further than, "It was..." when Nabiki walked into the room and started rummaging around in the fridge. Glancing from Nabiki to Kasumi and back, the pigtailed boy shrugged helplessly before continuing. "It was pretty bad. I had go as a girl all day today, ya know? Every single time I changed back, I'd just get splashed a few seconds later, so I figured, hey, what does it matter anyways?"

Kasumi nodded, and managed to add a hint of 'motherly' to her concerned look.

Ranma went on. "I guess it wouldn't have been so bad if Hiroshi hadn't asked me out on a date. I was ready to kill 'im! Only reason I didn't was that I didn't wanna get in ta more trouble than I'm already in."

The look of concern grew on Kasumi's face (much like a small parasite or a fungus). "Is that why you were so relieved to change back?" she asked.

He nodded, and then, after struggling with himself for a few moments, managed to open up enough to confess: "I... I'm worried about turning into a girl, ya know? For real, I mean. What if I start ... liking guys or somethin'?"

Nabiki joined the conversation then. With a smirk on her face, she said, "You DO turn into a girl, Saotome. Every time you're splashed with cold water."

Ranma directed a dark look at the middle Tendo sister. "That AIN'T what I meant."

Kasumi and Nabiki exchanged glances. Kasumi nodded, and after a moment, Nabiki walked up to Ranma. "So how did it feel to have Hiroshi ask you out, Saotome?"

Ranma took a step back and grimaced. "Why?"

"Call it curiosity."

"I ain't all that good at talking about my feelin's. Not to mention all my feelin's are kinda muffled when I'm in girl form."

"Indulge me."

Ranma glared at Nabiki. Trapped and with no way to escape from the situation save using the Saotome ultimate technique, Ranma gave in. "I felt disgusted," he said.

"You didn't even think he was the tiniest bit attractive?" she asked.

He shook his head.

"And did you feel at all attracted to any of the other people in your class?"

Ranma blushed at that and remained silent.

Nabiki raised an eyebrow. "Was it Akane?" she asked.

Ranma flushed a shade of red so deep that it very nearly seemed purple at that, and that was all the answer Nabiki needed. "I don't think you have anything to worry about, Saotome. It looks like you hit the spring of drowned lesbian."

Ranma blinked.

Kasumi put a hand to her mouth, a shocked expression on her face. "Nabiki!" she said, sounding scandalized.

Nabiki laughed as she left the room.

"Ranma..." said Akane, staring at the pig-tailed boy as though she had never seen him before.

Luna, meanwhile, peered up at Ranma thoughtfully from her saucer of milk. 'The princess only feels attracted to the prince! That proves it! Alright, I'll call Artemis, and we'll get rid of her male form forever!'

Although he didn't know why, Ranma felt a cold chill run up his spine.

------------------

Some time later, there came a knock at the door. As Nabiki was already on her way out, being on her way to a meeting with an important contact, she went and answered it. What she saw was perhaps not a sight that she had EVER expected: there in the doorway stood a girl of perhaps ten summers at most aiming a pistol at her head. It wasn't the pistol being pointed at her that really got to Nabiki, however. Rather, it was the sheer amount of PINK that the girl exuded. Pink hair. Pink ribbons in the hair. Pink clothing. A pink pistol. "Give me the ginzuishou!" cried the little girl.

Nabiki choked and fell over, unable to process so much PINK.

Chibi-Usa frowned, her eye twitching slightly as a sign of her irritation. With a shrug, she stepped over Nabiki's prone form and walked into the house.

Oblivious to the presence of the pink-haired little girl, Akane came into the house from the dojo, where she had been working out (read: breaking bricks and grunting). Still clad in her gi and exhausted from her exertions, Akane did not even notice Chibi-Usa's presence. Not until it was too late, anyways.

When Chibi-Usa saw Akane, her eyes went wide, and her face lit up with an expression of joy. Quickly putting her gun away, she leaped into the older girl's arms, glomped her harder than any Amazon, and shouted at the top of her lungs, "MOMMY!"

Akane sweatdropped, and there is a long silence before the explosion occurred.

"Akane, how could you! You're too young to be raising a child!"

"WAAAAAH!" Soun shrieked, "Now the schools will NEVER be joined!"

Ranma made his own appearance then, poking his head into the area from the outside. "What's goin' on?" he asked, and in that moment, he too was caught in the storm and was lost.

"Ranma, what's the meaning of this? How could you allow Akane to have a child with someone else! ... Wait, unless you're the father?"

Nabiki, who had finally recovered, smirked.

Kasumi put a hand to her mouth and gasped.

"Oh happy day!" cried Soun, "The joining of the schools is secure! Let me get a look at my grand-daughter!"

"That's my boy!" said Genma, puffing his chest out proudly, "A tribute to the Saotome name!"

At that moment, Ryouga came bursting through a nearby wall. "RANMA! HOW DARE YOU HAVE A CHILD WITH AKANE! PREPARE TO DIE!"

A second later, Ryoga burst through the wall on the opposite side of the room, calling out at the top of his lungs, "WHERE IS THE TANAKA DOJO IN HOKKAIDO?"

A butterfly flaps its wings in Hong Kong, and in Central Park we have rain instead of sunshine. Chaos was not quite done with Ranma and Akane just yet, however, for at that moment another young man made his entrance. A Chinese youth clad in white robes and wearing a pair of ridiculously oversized glasses appeared in a puff of smoke. "RANMA SAOTOME!" he bellowed, sending a volley of arrows at the pig-tailed boy from beneath his sleeves, which Ranma promptly dodged, "FOR THE CRIME OF MAKING MY BELOVED SHAMPOO DEPART FROM OUR VILLAGE, PREPARE TO DIE!"

"What the hell is going on?" Ranma asked Akane's bewildered expression was his only answer as the scene degenerated into total chaos.

Chibi-Usa recovered then from the surprise of seeing her mother to take action. She HAD to get the Ginzuishou, so she whipped out her pink pistol, pistol-whipped Ranma with it. When the pistol hit Ranma, there came a flare of pinkish light as a 'sleep' enchantment was triggered, knocking the pigtailed boy into a deep and restful slumber.

Chibi-Usa then threw her pistol up into the air and laughed as it transformed into a tricycle with an oversized side-car. Quickly dumping the unconscious Ranma into the sidecar, Chibi-Usa leaped onto the tricycle and began peddling away for all she was worth.

It was nearly a minute before anyone noticed that Ranma was no longer present. "YOU THINK YOU CAN ESCAPE ME, SAOTOME? BECAUSE OF YOU, I'VE SEEN HELL!" cried Ryouga as he charged off in a random direction.

"CURSE YOU, RANMA!" yelled Ryoga as he charged off in the opposite direction. "I WILL rescue Akane from you!"

"SAOTOME! I HAVE COME TO RESCUE THE PIG-TAILED GIRL FROM YOUR FOUL SORCERIES THAT SHE MIGHT KNOW MY DIVINE MANLINESS!"

And so it went, with nearly the entire Nerima Wrecking crew chasing after the little girl on a tricycle who had kidnapped Ranma.

Image: The tricycle climbs over a rise, the NWC in fast pursuit. It begins to pick up speed as it goes down hill. As bystanders turn to look, their brains are instantly fried by the overload of pink; only those with the strongest of wills can avoid being reduced to a vegetable state at the sight of her. Curiously, the Nerima Wrecking Crew is immune to this effect.

_Here he comes, here comes Speed Racer_

_He's a demon on wheels!_

Image: Chibi-Usa laughs madly, shouting out, "He's mine! MINE! If you don't give me the Ginzuishou, then from now on, he's MY fiancé!" as she pedals like a DEMON ON WHEELS!

_Go speed racer! Go speed racer!_

_Go speed racer, Go!_

And that was when the now human-sized Sucker appeared in front of the tricycle. Just behind her, Roseite materialized in a swirl of black rose petals. "OOOOOOHOHOHOHOHOHO!" she yawped, twirling her ribbon through the air for effect. Everyone winced.

"We've found you at last, little rabbit!" said Roseite.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAH!" Chibi-Usa screamed as the tricycle came ever closer to the youma.

"AAAAAAAAAAH!" cried Sucker as she realized that she was directly in its path. Naturally, she made no move to attempt to get out of the way. She screamed all the way until the tricycle bumped into her and stopped dead. "...Oh, I guess I'm OK."

There was a mass facefault.

Once everyone had recovered, Roseite posed dramatically. "To think that it has finally come to this! The noble young maiden faces off against a horde of angry barbarians, her only companion the faithful youma guardian that was good enough to accompany her!"

------------------

Meanwhile, Artemis was doing his level best to get Asuka to launch in Sailor02 once more. Naturally, she was refusing.

"Artemis, I am NOT going to pilot that THING again! NEVER AGAIN, do you hear me? SO LONG AS THAT ROBOT IS WEARING A SAILOR FUKU, I WILL NOT BE ITS PILOT!"

"But Asuka, you're the only one who can do it, and the others need our help!"

"Screw the others! I'm going home!" the red-head announced as she spun on her heel and began stalking angrily away from the moon cat.

Artemis produced his communicator. "Um, Luna? I think we may have a problem."

#Never mind that, Artemis!# came Luna's voice through the communicator, #Get over here right now! I'm going to need your help for this!#

"Right. I'll be there in a moment!"

By the time Artemis arrived, the scene had degenerated into an all out brawl. Fists and energy blasts and vacuum blades flew every which way. Chibi-Usa, Kasumi and Nabiki watched from the sidelines, looking totally nonplused. Akane, strangely enough, was nowhere to be seen.

Shielded by the chaos of the battle, Luna and Artemis snuck up behind the still unconscious Ranma, dragging a bucket of cold water along with them. Straining with all their might, they managed to dump the bucket over onto the pigtailed boy. A strange rippling of the flesh signaled the change as Ranma shifted from a black-haired, blue eyed boy to a blue haired red eyed girl.

"All right," said Artemis, "Do you have the compact?"

"Just a moment," said Luna. She then began back-flipping like a monkey on a hot griddle (don't ask - I don't know what this looks like either).

"No, not this... "flip "hmm, I didn't know Asuka was into THAT kind of manga." flip "No, not that either..." flip "oh, so THERE'S where Akane's homework went..." flip

After about twenty seconds of this, the moon compact finally fell out of Luna's subspace pocket.

"Here it is, Luna! Quickly, before she wakes up!"

"Hai, Artemis! On the count of three!"

"One!"

Both cats began to concentrate intensely, their crescent moon marks shining as they gathered their power.

"Two!"

"Three!"

And as one they cried, "MOON... PRISM... HEALING... ANTI-MALE-NESS... PRINCESS... RESTORATION... DEFIBRILLATE!"

At that moment, the noise of combat ceased. Everyone turned to look as a great sparkly light washed over Onna-Ranma. There was a strange moment where a translucent image of Otoko-Ranma sat up out of the unconscious body of Onna-Ranma and began screaming, writhing and trying to escape. It only lasted a moment, however. The translucent Otoko-Ranma exploded into a thousand motes of light, all of which settled back into the still form of Onna-Ranma. There came then a tremendous flare of red light which sent both Chibi-Usa and moon-cats flying even as it disintegrated the tricycle. A strange glowing sigil appeared on Ranma's forehead, and as they looked upon it, Luna and Artemis were filled with a sense of mounting horror.

"... Oops." said Luna.

END OF EPISODE 6

---------------------

Sorry to end it right there, but hey, I can have a cliffhanger from time to time, can't I?

Comments? Criticisms? Do you like it? Love it? Hate it? Let me know! Let's keep it civil, please. Flames will be laughed at. MSTies will also be laughed at, but in an entirely different manner than flames.


	8. The Traveler

Key:  
Ryouga - native Ryouga  
Ryoga - the Ryouga from 'Sailor Ranko'

Disclaimer: Sailor Moon is the property of Takeuichi Naoko. Ranma belongs to Takahashi Rumiko. Evangelion belongs to Gainax. The Bet concept and the accompanying cast and background of Mimir's Well belong to Metroanime.

Note: This episode is a bit different from most. More serious, less focused on humor and silliness. But it's very necessary, as it sets up a great many things. .

-------------------

It was a fine day in Nerima: the sun shone brightly overhead, and the air was clear as crystal. A pleasant breeze rustled through the area, whispering its secrets softly in the tongue of the four winds. Yet for one Ranma Saotome, the day was far from 'fine.' Though he was not yet aware of it, for him, this particular day would NEVER be 'fine' again.

We must focus on one particular street in the ward of Nerima, perhaps a mile from the Tendo Dojo. It would have been a normal enough street if not for the strange group gathered in it. Traffic had ceased to flow on this street the moment the group gathered - the people in Nerima are used to this sort of thing, and upon seeing what was going on, quickly chose alternate routes to get to where they were going. The aforementioned 'strange group' stood as if struck dumb, martial artists, civilians, youma and dark generals alike all staring at Saotome Ranma, and at the sigil that glowed there on her forehead.

A tumbleweed rolled by, and the silence stretched on.

Strangely enough, it was Kasumi who finally broke it, sending her words echoing through the wells of silence. "Oh my," she said, just so that everyone could be absolutely certain that they knew who it was that was talking, "Luna, Artemis, just what did you do to poor Ranma-kun?" Her voice was strange – full of command, somehow. Not at all the voice of a meek Japanese housewife.

Nabiki and Soun looked at her with strange expressions, not entirely sure what to make of this sudden change in her demeanor.

For a few seconds, no one spoke, and then... everyone began talking at once.

"WHAT FOUL SORCERY IS THIS?" demanded Kuno Tatewaki.

"RANMA, JUST BECAUSE THERE'S SOME RUNE GLOWING ON YOUR FOREHEAD DOESN'T MEAN I'VE FORGIVEN YOU FOR MAKING MY LIFE HELL!" That was Ryouga. Wait, no, it was Ryoga, my mistake.

"Oops," said a certain black-furred moon cat.

"Luna, you already said that," came Artemis' reply.

A minute or two later, Roseite finally recovered from her shock. "Sucker!" she cried, glancing towards her youma, "Seize this girl and retreat to the Dark Kingdom!"

Disturbingly phallic lollipops in hand, Sucker turned towards Ranma only to find her path blocked by none other than... Tendo Kasumi?

No, gentle reader, your eyes do not deceive you. Tendo Kasumi, paragon of domesticity, stepped in front of the scantily clad youma. "I'm terribly sorry, Ms. Youma, but I can't let you take him," she said, a sympathetic smile on her face.

Sucker drew back one of her lollipops, preparing to throw... and suddenly she stopped, her expression uncertain. She looked at Kasumi for a loooong moment before looking towards Roseite, confusion written all over her face.

Roseite frowned. "Sucker, do as I command!"

Sucker looked at Kasumi again. Kasumi frowned.

Sucker's eyes widened at that. She backed away slowly, as if trying to placate a dangerous animal. When she had reached what she considered a safe distance (about twenty feet from the eldest Tendo daughter), she turned around and vanished into thin air.

Shock flashed across Roseite's face. Yet though she was evil (and quite insane), Roseite was not stupid. With her backup gone, she was quick to make her own escape. Just before vanishing into a swirl of black rose petals (accompanied by a VERY annoying laugh), she took the time to tell the assembled martial artists: "Don't you DARE think that you've won! I'll be back!"

Luna and Artemis (and everyone else, for that matter) stared at Kasumi with their jaws hanging open.

"Onee-chan?" Nabiki asked, looking at her as if she didn't even recognize her own sister. For his part, Soun began to tear up, but said nothing.

Kasumi's voice cut through the sound of the mob like a gust of wind dispersing a cloud of mist. "We'd better get Ranma back to the dojo. Would you help me please, Nabiki? The rest of you should go home."

Much to their own surprise, those assembled nodded and did exactly what they had been told, wondering all the while at who in the world this girl was, and where had the meek future housewife gone?

--------------------------------------------------

Ranma 1/2: WHY SAILOR PLUTO HATES THE BET  
A Ranma Crossover Fanfic  
by P.H. Wise

Episode 7: The Traveler

--------------------------------------------------

Ranma regained consciousness slowly. Her sense of touch returned first. Gradually she became aware of the futon beneath her, of the feel of her sheets against her body, the temperature of the air, the uncomfortably hot, damp object pressed against her forehead, and so on. Hearing followed. Two or three song-birds were chirping merrily to one another just outside the window of the room that she shared with her father. She could hear the sound of voices, their resonances strangely distorted on account of the closed door, coming from downstairs. She heard the sheets rustling as she brought a hand to her head and opened her eyes. Light and colour flooded her mind; with it came pain.

Something was wrong, she knew. She felt... odd. Had she been wanting to explain it to someone else, the only way that Ranma would have been it would have been to say that she felt like a rubber band that had been stretched almost to the breaking point before snapping painfully back into shape. Alas, she was not able to put it into such terms, as she had a much more pressing matter to attend to – namely, the towel that had been pressed to her forehead. While still damp, it had become uncomfortably hot. Very quickly the heat was approaching the point that would leave minor burns. Yelping faintly, she pulled the towel off and dropped it on the floor.

She sat up. 'What the hell happened to me?' she wondered. 'The last thing I remember was... we were all arguing... something hit the back of my head...' There was something strange in her peripheral vision. The towel. She glanced down at it, her eyebrow furrowing slightly as she tried to make some sense of what she saw. A sigil of some kind had somehow been BURNED into the part of the towel that had been covering her forehead. She didn't recognize it, but at the same time, it struck a chord in her. Though she had never seen it before, something about it was naggingly familiar.

"What... the hell...?" she wondered aloud. Before she could get any farther in her ponderings, vertigo came pouring into her, starting in the pit of her stomach and then rising into a maddening swirl behind her eyes. She collapsed.

She figured that the collapse must have made some noise, because a few seconds later the door opened, and a voice called, "Kasumi! She's awake!"

Whose voice?

Girl. Mercenary?

Oh, right. Nabiki.

Ranma grimaced. Her head hurt, and her sense of balance was seriously off. It was like... like... she frowned, trying to recall what it was like. Her brain didn't quite want to make the connection.

She attempted to clench a fist, and there was a delay of several seconds before her hand actually responded to her will.

It felt like she had just emerged from Jusenkyou; like she was not at home in her own body anymore. And it frightened her.

And then there was the ice. It was thicker now. More concentrated – more extensive. And beneath it, she could feel the liquid fire of hatred that had made its presence known but rarely.

Footsteps. Someone was approaching. A moment later, Kasumi's clear, concern filled voice came filtering down through the cotton that Ranma was certain his head had been stuffed with. "Ara, Ranma-kun, how are you feeling?"

"... Dunno," Ranma managed to reply with somewhat more effort than it should have taken, his voice coming out as little more than a mumble. She opened her eyes, and this time it didn't hurt quite as bad. Her gaze lingered on Kasumi's face. Well, that was odd. When did Kasumi get tattoos? Three tattoos on her face? Oh well. Not important. "What happened?" she asked. "The last thing I remember was everyone yellin' over some pink haired chick being Akane's daughter or somethin'."

Kasumi nodded, smiling sadly. "Yes, that was Chibi-Usa. She says that Akane's her mother, and that she's from the future. We're letting her stay here for the time being. ... Ara, Ranma-kun..."

Ranma grimaced and sits up. She actually managed to stay sitting up this time. She spake then, interrupting Kasumi. "Ne, Kasumi," She glanced down at her own female body, "Where's Akane? And could ya get me some hot water?"

Kasumi's smile faded. "Ranma-kun, nobody's seen Akane-chan since Chibi-Usa kidnapped you and rode away on her tricycle."

Ranma's eyes shot wide open at that. "Why didn't ya say so earlier?" She asked as she struggled to climb to her feet. Her body wouldn't quite respond to her commands, though, and she ended up falling flat on her back. "What the hell?" she asked for the third time that day as she stared down at her unresponsive limbs.

Kasumi glanced over her shoulder to where the two moon-cats were waiting in the doorway. "You can come in now, Luna, Artemis."

They were in the guest room, Ranma realized suddenly – the room that she and her father shared. Once more she struggled to rise, and once more her body responded with a noticeable delay that threw her balance off, sending her crashing to the floor. On the plus side, the delay was less now than it had been a minute ago.

The moon-cats padded up to where Ranma and Kasumi sat, looks of guilt etched onto their faces.

"Listen carefully, Ranma-kun," said Kasumi with a tone in her voice that would permit no argument.

Ranma nodded, a strange sense of dread creeping into her heart. Something had happened. She knew it. She didn't know what, but she KNEW that something bad had happened.

"Do we have to, Kasumi-sama?" asked Artemis.

Kasumi nodded, and Artemis hung his head, which in turn only served to increase Ranma's fear. The pig-tailed girl felt her mouth go dry.

"Ranma-sama," Luna began, her tone a supremely uncomfortable one, "I'm afraid that Artemis and I have made a terrible mistake."

"Artemis and I?" said Artemis, interrupting his companion. "It was YOUR idea to begin with, you know."

Luna glared at him, but continued. "We... I was SURE that you were really the moon-princess."

Ranma blink-blinked, now totally nonplused. "...oookay..."

"And... well..."

Kasumi stood and walked to the door. There she retrieved a kettle full of hot water that she had placed there when she had walked in.

"And what?" asked Ranma, now growing downright paranoid, her imagination running away with her.

"Maybe it'd be better to show you," said Artemis. Luna nodded to Kasumi, who promptly poured the hot water over Ranma's head.

There was no change.

Ranma's eyes widened. Quickly, she snatched the kettle out of Kasumi's hands and upended the entire thing over her head, drenching herself with hot water.

No change.

No tingling, no peculiar sensation of shifting, no returning to male form.

Nothing.

Ranma's scream shattered the windows of houses two blocks away.

-------------------

Nabiki blinked, looking up at the ceiling. Sounded like Kasumi had told Ranma what had happened. Kami-sama help him.

Nearby, Genma and Soun sat playing a game of Go. Neither one of them looked up at the scream. Nabiki grimaced, though it wasn't immediately obvious as to whether she was grimacing at Ranma's scream, or at the fact that it had not interrupted Chibi-Usa, who was (and had been for the last two hours) telling her all about how wonderful the future was going to be, and how much she'd LOVE being Chibi-Usa's aunt. The world was at peace, and everyone loved each other, and money had been abolished, and it was all big and happy and oh but there were parties every night and everything was free for anyone who wanted it!

Nabiki was in hell.

As her scream faded into sobs, Ranma felt herself being gathered up into Kasumi's arms.

Luna tried to explain. "We thought you were the Moon Princess, and we... we couldn't imagine our Princess being happy as a male, so..."

Artemis picked it up from there, "So we kinda destroyed your male form and made your female form the permanent one. Except... we were, um, dead wrong."

Luna nodded. "Sorry about that. ... Our bad." And with that, both moon-cats shut their eyes and cringed, knowing what was coming next.

The ensuing cry of "NEKO NO BAKA!" could be heard more than ten miles away. Although the two cats that went flying out of the roof of the Tendo home went quite a bit further than that, Ranma didn't particularly care at that point. Shuddering, she fell back into Kasumi's comforting embrace, and wept.

Kasumi smiled tenderly, and wiped the tears from Ranma's eyes, and leaned down to kiss the smaller girl's forehead. Immediately, Ranma was overcome by a sense of peace. Both the ice and the liquid fire beneath it faded beneath that peace, almost, but not quite to the point of vanishing completely.

Feeling both safe and warm, Ranma drifted into a dreamless sleep.

-------------------

---- Meanwhile ----

-------------------

Toltiir sat before Mimir's well, watching the happenings in the new timeline. Within the well, the image of Akane Tendo walked through the front door of her home.

All things considered, he was actually quite pleased with this timeline. Sure, it wasn't quite up to par with Titania's entry, but at least it hadn't bored him. Caught up as he was in the events being shown by the well, Toltiir almost didn't notice Sailor Pluto's arrival by means of a small rip in the space-time continuum.

"What can I do for you, Pu?" he asked, not looking up.

Pluto's eye twitched slightly. "You can start with not calling me 'Pu.' Next, you can come with me. Since you're partly responsible for the mess that was made of my timeline, you have to help me fix it."

Toltiir frowned. "Why should I? I haven't had to help any of the OTHER Sailor Plutos fix THEIR timelines. Why should you be any different?"

Pluto smiled. "I thought you'd say that."

At that moment, a blast of lightning stabbed down from above, carving a message into the ground right at the cat-god's feet. He yelped and leaped backwards, his fur singed by the proximity of the lightning. When he had calmed down enough to look at the message to see what had been written, he read the following:

Do as she says, or else.

Love, Dad

Toltiir glared.

-------------------

In her throne room, hidden within the depths of the Dark Kingdom, Queen Beryl listened to Roseite's report with growing concern. Displayed within her crystal ball was Onna-Ranma, surrounded by a strange glow, a planetary symbol clearly visible on her forehead.

The very image of the Demon-Queen Ayanami, and yet a Senshi. How was this possible? A SENSHI WORE THE FACE OF THE DEMON-QUEEN! Queen Beryl seethed with rage just thinking about it. And yet... perhaps she wore more than just the face? She had not forgotten the AT fields that they had been detecting lately.

At length, Beryl realized that Roseite had completed her report, and was now standing before her expectantly (and nervously). "... Well done, Roseite." she said at last, "You did well to return and report this... unexpected development."

"Thank you, my Queen. In addition to the emergence of this new senshi, I have one other thing to report."

"Proceed."

Roseite looked troubled. "I was feeding my pet crocodile the other day, when I noticed something strange – an energy signature coming from the city that bore a striking resemblance to..." she trailed off.

Beryl raised an eyebrow. "To what?"

"Lillith, your majesty."

Beryl's eyes narrowed. "I see. Very well, Roseite, if there's nothing else, return to Terra and observe this... Ranma. If Lillith IS there, she will most certainly be drawn to the one who wears the shape of her daughter. Now go!"

Roseite quirked an eyebrow. "Actually, your malevolence, there was one more thing..."

"Oh?"

"Why was it that when you first summoned Giovannite, you claimed that there were 16 youma, and yet ever since then have maintained that there are only 13?"

Beryl grimaced. Her eye twitch had returned. "Don't question my wisdom," she snapped.

-------------------

Dusk deepened. A light mist lay upon the land, brooding on the edges of the district of Nerima, but the sky was clear. Stars came out. The waxing moon rose in the west, and the shadows of the buildings were black. Sitting in the darkness of her room, Ranma paid little heed to the unfolding splendour of the night. She was doing something that she considered to be FAR more important: she was moping.

There was movement at the door. The sound of the door sliding open. A face in the doorway. Nabiki.

"Dinner's ready, Ranma." she said, a concerned look having replaced the calculating one that usually adorned her face.

Ranma didn't answer.

Nabiki stood there, watching Ranma for about a minute, her face unreadable. Silence stretched out. She opened her mouth as if to speak, but then shut it without saying a word. A moment later, she left the room, heading downstairs to join her family at dinner.

Ranma didn't follow.

As Nabiki descended the stairway, the front door opened, and in walked Akane. "I'm hooome!" she called.

"Okaeri, Akane-chan," came Kasumi's response.

Soun was quick to rush out and greet his daughter. Tears in his eyes, he cried out at the top of his lungs, "My baby girl is finally home!" Lowering his voice (slightly), he continued, tears still fountaining out of his eyes, "Don't run off without telling us where you're going ever again, Akane-chan! I was so worried!"

Akane smiled. Even if he WAS an emotional wreck, she loved her father.

"MOMMY! Welcome back!"

Her smile faltered. She loved her father, yes. The girl claiming to be her daughter, on the other hand... "I'm not your mother, Chibi-Usa," said Akane as she sat down at the dinner table.

"Yes you are," Chibi-Usa insisted cutely. "Or at least, you WILL be. I'm your daughter from the future, remember?"

Akane smiled thinly. "Actually, no. I'm not your mother, Chibi-Usa."

Nabiki quirked an eyebrow. "What, is that where you were all this time? Getting a genetic comparison between yourself and Chibi-Usa?"

Akane nodded. "And it's a match. She's definitely my daughter from the future."

"I told you so! You shouldn't be so silly, mommy!"

"Ara, is Ranma-kun really her father?"

Akane blinked. "I knew I'd forgotten something. I... kinda forgot to check. But anyway, there's more. After the doctors came back with a positive match between the two of us, I decided that I should never be allowed to have children. So I got my tubes tied."

Chibi-Usa's eyes widened. "What? You can't do that! If you can't have children, then I..." She vanished in mid-sentence, and thus ended the Pink Menace.

Akane smiled brightly. "So, what's for dinner?"

-------------------

Oblivious to the 'timely' demise of a certain pink spore, Luna and Artemis sat on the roof of the Tendo home. The mist that had been on the edges of the district was now moving inwards, coming towards the Tendo home in every direction. As they watched the oncoming walls of mist, Luna and Artemis talked.

"Well, we've certainly made a mess of things," said the white-furred moon-cat. He paused a moment. "... Luna, do you remember ever seeing Ranma's sigil before?"

Luna nodded. "It's familiar. I KNOW that Ranma is one of the Senshi, but I can't remember which one! And I certainly don't have a transformation pen for her. Do you?"

Artemis shook his head. "The only one I've got is for Sailor Venus, and I haven't found her yet."

"The ones I have are Mars, Mercury, Jupiter, and a compact for... um... I can't remember. Moon something. Sailor... Moon? Yeah, that must have been it. I've already given Mars her henshin wand, but none of the others have appeared yet..." She grimaced (as well as a cat is able), scratching her claws against the tiles of the roof. "If only our memories hadn't degraded so badly while we were in stasis!"

If only.

-------------------

Meanwhile, in a space-time continuum not far removed from the 'Ranma sector' of reality, Toltiir, wearing a human shape, sat in front of the desk of a lovely young woman. Her name was Mikura, and she had short orangish hair, gold eyes, and was dressed in skin-tight clothing that made no secret whatsoever of her generous endowments. Inexplicably, Toltiir found that he had a hard time keeping his mind on his appointed task. More than once he had to remind himself of what he had come here to do.

If only what he had come here to do wasn't so embarrassing!

"So you can have it ready within a week?" he asked.

Mikura nodded. "The 33-S will be ready in seven days, made to the specifications that you provided. If there are any problems with the unit, bring it back within thirty days and we'll repair it for free!"

Toltiir nodded, blushing more heavily than he ever had in his entire life. Damn Setsuna for making him do this! What she wanted a 33-S for was quite beyond his reckoning, but he would do as she had asked. Kami-sama had told him to, and the Almighty wasn't exactly someone you could say 'no' to.

-------------------

There exists a place where all is now – where past, present and future are equally accessible to those who know the way, and the normal rules of space-time no longer exist. It is a vast expanse of nothingness, stretching out infinitely in all directions. It is from here that, at Kami-sama's command, another grand explosion will find its birth, bringing about the creation of a new Heaven and a new Earth. It exists for but an instant, and it is eternal. It is the zero point; our universe, post mortem.

No one knows exactly how it came about, but in the midst of this infinite nothingness, there lies a small courtyard. In the center of this courtyard is a lamp-post, eternally flickering fitfully. Off to one side lies two small buckets. One contains the day of the universe's end. The other contains the energistic remnants of the universe itself, compressed down into a single glowing mote of light. A pathway leads away from the courtyard, and should one follow it, one would come to another, smaller (and yet infinitely huge) courtyard, this one filled with shafts of light. If one was to step into one of these shafts, one could then travel to any place at any point in time that they wished. But that is a matter for another story; this place connects to our story only by means of the old man who sleeps leaning against the lamp-post in the main courtyard.

Even as Toltiir finalized the agreement with Mikura, Setsuna appeared before the old man in a swirl of temporal energy. As the eddies left in the wake of her Gate subsided, she smiled at the old man and greeted him by name.

"Hello, Melchior," said Setsuna.

Melchior awoke and gazed about blearily. When he saw Setsuna, his gaze immediately cleared, and he stood up straight. "Hello again, Setsuna," he said. "And what brings the Guardian of Time to the End of Time this..." he smiled faintly, "... time."

Setsuna graced him with a look of emotionless stony-faced-ness. "Do you have the egg?" she asked.

Melchior nodded, producing a small spherical crystal. "I have it, and let me tell you, it was no easy feat to make a second one of these."

"Your sacrifice is greatly appreciated, Melchior," she said as she took the egg. Melchior's goodbye was met only with another swirl of temporal energy as Setsuna Gated out. He smiled ruefully. "Never could figure out what goes on inside that one's head," he muttered.

The mist now surrounded the Tendo home on all sides, pressing in against its walls, but unable to penetrate them to fill the building itself. Shapes appeared hazy and indistinct, and there was a queer sense of... watchfulness, in the air, almost as though there were a will and purpose behind the mist.

Ranma sat still within her room, the window open. Streamers of mist flowed into the room, curling around her in a spiral that never actually reached her.

She didn't seem to notice.

There came a knock at the door. She didn't answer. A moment later, the door slid open to admit one Tendo Akane. Seeing Ranma sitting there on her futon, a sullen look on her face, Akane frowned. Still, she was undaunted. She strode across the room with purpose, sat down right in front of Ranma, and looked her directly in the eyes.

An uncomfortable silence hung in the air between them, and for a long time, the two just stared at each other, neither wanting to speak first.

Ranma won: Akane found that she didn't have the patience to wait. "Ranma," she said, staring directly into the pig-tailed girls eyes, "It's OK."

Ranma glared at her, but it was gone a split second later, vanished behind her stoic mask. "... I guess the kid ain't mine, then," she said softly, "So who do you think the father is, Akane?"

"What?" Akane asked. When her brain had finally process what it was that Ranma had asked, she blushed. "Well, about that..." she began.

That was as far as she got. Ranma shook her head and spoke again before Akane had a chance to continue. "Nevermind. Akane, what am I gonna do? My life is ruined!"

Akane blinked, immediately putting what she had been about to say out of her mind. Ranma needed her here and now. "How is it ruined, Ranma?" she asked.

Ranma looked at her as if she had grown a second head. "What kind of question is that? Isn't it obvious? I'm stuck as a GIRL!"

Akane nodded. "Yes, yes you are."

Ranma looked nonplussed for a moment, but it quickly passed. Akane wasn't reacting the way she wanted her to, and it annoyed her. She was supposed to agree, damnit! "Those damned cats told me that they had permanently destroyed my male form! And I can't be a girl, Akane, I just CAN'T!"

Akane quirked an eyebrow. "Oh? You seem to be doing a pretty good job of it right now, Ranma."

The pig-tailed girl sputtered, so surprised by Akane's statement that she completely forgot what she had been about to say. "What?" she asked, not entirely sure that she had heard that right.

"Well, you're Ranma, and you're a girl."

"I'm a GUY!"

"Not from where I'm sitting."

The pig-tailed girl frowned, not liking what Akane was saying one bit. "What do you mean?"

"Ranma, you're a girl. From what Kasumi and Nabiki told me, you're stuck that way, and there's no way to fix it. Kasumi said that you haven't even come out of your room since it happened! You have to deal with this, Ranma. You can't just sit in your room moping for the rest of your life!"

Anger flashed in Ranma's eyes, and Akane was glad to see it. It was MUCH better than looking into those same eyes and seeing only a stoic apathy. "Damnit, I'm a GUY! I can't be a girl! I'm not weak or stupid or silly or..."

As Ranma went on, Akane found that her sympathy was rapidly dwindling. In its place, a far more familiar emotion was making itself known.

Ranma continued her rant, not seeing the doom that hung over her by a thread. "... I don't like guys, I don't like shopping, I don't like clothing, and I'm not about to start liking frilly clothing and all that girly crap." Her voice grew louder. "I'm Ranma Saotome, man amongst men! I can't be no sissy girl!"

Akane was nearly glowing with rage then. She GLARED at her fiancee (1). Yet for all her anger, her voice was completely neutral. "Is that what you think being a girl is? Weak, stupid, frilly and boy-crazy?"

"Well, it IS, ain't it?"

Akane clenched her teeth. "Not gonna happen, Ranma. I don't care how angry you try to make me, I am NOT going to punt you away. You're not getting out of this that easily. What's the real problem?"

Ranma's expression cracked, and the terror that she felt flooded visibly into her expression like water through a shattered dam. "I... I'm s'posed ta marry ya and combine the schools, ya know? But... if I'm a girl forever, then I can't... we can't... It's impossible ta fulfil our obligation now." Ranma broke down into tears. "I was just gettin' used to the idea... maybe even startin' ta like it a little... but now... we can't..."

She trailed off, and looked at Akane, a tiny glimmer of hope in her eyes. Would Akane accept her as a girl? Or was it over now?

Akane's expression softened, and she shook her head sadly. Her own eyes began to glisten with unshed tears. "No." Her voice cracked on the word. "We c..c..can't. I'm sorry, Ranma. I'm... I can't be with another girl that way." She began to cry.

That glimmer of hope in Ranma's eyes faded. She spoke then, and her voice was small, and crushed, and full of heartbroken resignation. "We really made a mess of things, didn't we?

"You and me. It could have been different, ya know. It should have been."

"I know..."

-------------------

The next day was not particularly fun for Ranma. Despite the fact that she could no longer change forms, she didn't get splashed any less. After getting drenched three times on the way to school, she finally arrived only to be sent to the assistant principals' office (Principal Kuno was in Hawaii, and thus was unavailable). The school administration didn't quite comprehend why a girl had come to school claiming to be Ranma, despite the fact that she had brought a note signed by both Genma AND Soun that said that yes, this was Ranma. In the end, Ranma had had to call home and get Kasumi to confirm her identity. Kasumi's word seemed to carry a lot more weight than either Genma's or Soun's; after hearing her confirm Ranma's identity, the assistant principal relented, though not before informing Ranma that she was expected to come to school in uniform from now on.

Onizuka-sensei, on the other hand, was QUITE understanding about the whole thing. When the situation had been explained to him, he smirked in an excessively annoying fashion and said, "Sucks to be you, Ranma. But look on the bright side: anything that brings another cute girl into my classroom can't be ALL bad." He then went back to hitting on Asuka, who was doing her level best not to transform into Sailor Mars then and there to blast him.

Ranma tried not to grind her teeth.

Later, during PE, Ranma tried to go into the boys' locker room to change, but the coach kicked her out. Muttering under her breath, she then went into the girl's locker room, only to find an enraged, mallet-happy Akane Tendo crying, "Pervert! Peeping tom! DIE!"

Akane then malletted Ranma into low earth orbit. Observing this, Asuka decided that maybe Akane wasn't ALL bad.

As Ranma went sailing over the horizon, Akane came to her senses, and her heart sank into her toes. She had reacted without thinking, and just at exactly the moment that Ranma had needed her trust and understanding the most. She shuddered faintly, hoping against hope that she hadn't destroyed any possibility of remaining friends with the pigtailed girl.

At lunch, after a long hike back from the area of Doctor Tofu's clinic, Ranma sat in the (admittedly small) shade provided by a large palm tree, eating from the bento that Kasumi had prepared for her. As she ate, a boy with a ponytail and a giant spatula strapped to his back approached her. For several minutes, the boy just watched her silently.

Eventually, Ranma got annoyed. "Whaddya want?" she demanded to know.

You're Saotome Ranma?" the boy asked, sounding somewhat doubtful.

When Ranma responded with a "Yeah," the boy frowned.

"Do you have a brother?"

"No."

Somewhat put off by Ranma's one word answers, the boy hesitated a moment before asking one final question. "...Is your father Genma Saotome?"

"Yeah. What about him?"

The boy shook his head. "That's all I wanted to know." And with that, he left Ranma to finish her lunch in peace.

-------------------

The land stretched out in all directions, a hodgepodge of bits and pieces of boulders, trees, and entire landscapes being swept up in a torrent of water and other murky liquids, buffeted by strong winds and encapsulated in pockets of air. Chaos reigned supreme throughout this mish-mash of the primal forces of air, fire, earth, and water.

And yet, in the midst of this chaos, there stood a massive temple surrounded by breathable air. Within the grounds of the temple was a scene out of a nightmare.

The githzerai monks, supplicants to the order of Maketrex, were now dead. Shubs and Zhuuls ran screaming as a giant Sloar rampaged through the temple grounds, fully intent on devouring them to the last. Flames burst from above and below, scouring the grounds clean of whatever the Sloar missed: the stench of roasted flesh was thick in the air. And it was into this scene that Sailor Pluto came.

She appeared some distance behind the giant Sloar with a confident smile on her face. Concentrating, she focused her power on the Sloar, opening a portal to within its body where, even now, hundreds of Shubs and Zhuuls were learning what it was like to roast within the depths of a Sloar. After a few seconds, she closed the portal, and with a satisfied look on her face, disappeared.

-------------------

Shampoo and Mousse sat in the park. Or at least, one would assume that the warm water penguin on a leash and with a choke-chain around its neck was Mousse. In any case, Shampoo was currently chugging a can of Yebisu. "Nnnnnchaaaa!" she said as she finished it and tossed it over her shoulder. By skill or by luck, it landed in a trash can. "That much better! Only good thing about Japan is beer. Hard to get in Joketsuzoku village."

Mousse warked.

Several minutes passed before the one they were waiting for arrived, and you, gentle reader, should consider yourself lucky for not actually having to look upon what showed up then: an unspeakably ugly, ancient, withered old troll of a woman pogoing about atop a staff that was three times as tall as she was.

For her part, Shampoo only smiled at the withered old trol... OW! The author winced as the old woman smacked him upside the head with her staff. Damnit, I'm just being descriptive! ... Fine, fine, I'll go on.

"Welcome, Great-Grandmother," Shampoo called cheerfully.

Mousse waaaarked, and the old woman bopped him on the head. "Respect your elders, boy. Just because you're not human right now doesn't mean I can't understand you."

She considered the scene for a moment, glancing from Shampoo, to Mousse, and then back. "Why the choke-chain, Shampoo?"

"Aiyaa! Mousse attack Ayanami! Leash for his own protection!"

The old woman shook her head, giving Mousse a disapproving look. He seemed to wilt under her gaze. "Have you found her?" she asked.

"Mist did too too good job, even though stupid rose-girl and her youma try to interfere. Shampoo know where Ayanami live! Can take you there now, yes?"

The old woman - Cologne - cackled. "Let's go. I'm looking forward to seeing what my daughter has been up to all these years..."

END EPISODE 7

-------------------

Author's notes:

1 – I mean exactly that. Fiancee, as opposed to fiancé. Ranma can no longer claim the title of a man engaged to be married.

Comments? Criticisms? Do you like it? Love it? Hate it? Let me know! Let's keep it civil, please. Flames will be laughed at. MSTies will also be laughed at, but in an entirely different manner than flames.


	9. The Traveler, Part II

Ranma 1/2: WHY SAILOR PLUTO HATES THE BET  
A Ranma crossover fanfic  
by P.H. Wise

Episode 8: The Traveler, Part II

Disclaimer: Sailor Moon is the property of Takeuichi Naoko. Ranma belongs to Takahashi Rumiko. Evangelion belongs to Gainax. The Bet concept and the accompanying cast and background of Mimir's Well belong to Metroanime.

-------------------

High atop the mountain training ground called 'Terror' (don't ask), a wind began. The wind was... was... um... I'll start again.

-------------------

Scene One: Take Two

Setting: The training ground on the peak of Mount Terror (don't ask)

Weather: Clear

Wind: None

Humidity: 20

Ryouga gave the harness a doubtful look. "That looks... painful."

His cross-temporal twin shrugged. "Do you want revenge on Saotome or not?"

"..."

"That's what I thought. Now get in the harness."

"..."

"You can always blame Ranma for it later."

Ryouga nodded, setting his jaw with determination as he climbed into the harness. As the first boulder hurtled down towards him, he seethed with rage, thinking to himself, 'Damn you, Ranma Saotome! I will never forgive you for the offense of this training exercise!'

-------------------

Dawn burst forth over Tokyo in a spectacular array of light and colour, filling the whole of the sky with its splendour. Darkness lifted, the shadows fled, and the sunlight filled the city. As usual, Ranma had little time to appreciate the sunrise, this time on account of her father flinging her bodily out the window of the guest room. She hit the koi pond with a tremendous splash.

"What'd you do that for?" she yelled, almost on reflex, as the cold water jolted her into a state of total wakefulness.

"You're sloppy, boy!" cried Genma as he jump-kicked down from the window. Ranma brought her arms into a defensive 'x' in front of her body, letting Genma's foot connect for a moment before flinging her arms forward (and Genma away from her). He landed on one of the rocks surrounding the pond.

"A REAL martial artist could have evaded being pistol-whipped by a little girl! Ranma... you break your father's heart!"

Ranma glared at her father, a sickly green aura of depression growing around her. "Oyaji," she began, her eyes taking on a peculiar luminescence, "LEAVE ME ALONE! SHISHI HOKODAN!" With those words, Ranma sent forth an intense blast of green energy. Genma, stunned by his "son's" unexpected display of ki, didn't even try to dodge. As he went flying off into the distance, the words, "Ungrateful boy!" could be heard on the wind.

Ranma blinked in surprise, her depression lifting in an instant. "Hey!" she exclaimed excitedly, looking down at her hands, "I did it!"

She frowned. "... wait, HOW did I do it?"

Any further thought on the matter was cut off when Kasumi's cheerful call rang out across the yard. "Ranma! Breakfast!"

-------------------

They sat down for breakfast; Ranma, Soun, Akane, Nabiki, and Kasumi. Although the food was good (as usual), it didn't seem to help much so far as Soun's mood went. Tears streamed from his eyes as he ate, the very picture of a man nobly enduring the strangest of emotional disorders. Although most of them were content to ignore him, Kasumi wasn't quite so ready to do so.

"Is something the matter, father?" she asked.

Soun then began to weep in earnest. "My daughter's fiancé is stuck as a girl!" he wailed, "Now the schools will never be joined!"

Kasumi smiled comfortingly. "There, there, father," she said.

Nabiki smirked. "You know, lesbian marriages ARE legal in certain parts of the world."

Soun brightened immediately at that. Akane, however, wasn't quite so keen on the thought. "Do I even want to know why you know that?" she asked.

Nabiki winked and leered at Ranma, saying, "Well, you know, a girl's gotta keep her options open."

Ranma blushed.

"Daddy, tell her that she can't marry Ranma unless Ranma goes back to being a guy!"

Soun laughed cheerfully. "Now, now, Akane," he said, "If Nabiki is willing to make such a sacrifice for the sake of the schools, I don't see any reason why I should prevent it."

"I don't believe this! I'm surrounded by perverts!"

Ranma frowned thoughtfully. "Why is it a big deal?" she asked.

Akane gave Ranma the kind of look that one would give a very small child when explaining something extremely obvious, "Because it's perverted!"

"Well, maybe it is, maybe it isn't. Think about it lo..." Ranma frowned, trying to recall the word, "log... logos... logically. Yeah, that's it."

Nabiki interjected, a look of mock-surprise on her face: "Ranma, you know such a word?"

"Urusei," hissed the pig-tailed martial artist. "But really, think about it. Girls. Two of them. Together."

Akane gaped at Ranma for a moment. "... Ranma, do you remember what I told you about how you're a girl now?"

"Yeah?"

"Forget it."

Ranma opened her mouth to respond, perhaps to make a witty comment along the lines of, 'you are SO uncute,' but was, alas, cut off by the sudden and violent destruction of a small section of the wall that separated the Tendo property from the street. Through the newly made hole in the wall comes a very peculiar party. Three was their number, and the number of their party was three. Four was most certainly not the number of their party, nor was two, excepting only that one would pass it on the way to three. Five was right out. The first of them was a VERY pretty young girl with purple hair and generous endowments. The second was a warm water penguin on a leash and choke-chain. The third, a withered old troll of a woman hopping around on top of a staff three times her size.

The purple-haired girl lowered the bonbari that she had just used to smash the hole in the wall. "See?" she said, a smug look on her face, "Shampoo make door for great-grandmother!"

The penguin warked.

Silence hung in the air as the Tendos stared at their visitors, totally nonplused. The silence was shattered a moment later when Kasumi smiled angelically, commenting, "Oh my, it seems we have visitors," as she casually set three extra places at the table.

After recovering from a mass facefault, Soun directed a stern look towards the unannounced guests. "Now see here, the sign out front clearly states that if you wish to challenge the dojo, you must come in through the back gate."

The old woman didn't even grace him with a reply. Instead, she bowed respectfully to Kasumi (but only to her) before pogoing over to Ranma. She then poked the pig-tailed girl a bit while looking her over from head to toe.

"Hey, what do you think you're doing, old ghoul?"

THWAK

"ITTE!"

"Respect your elders, girl."

The purple-haired girl winced in sympathy.

Another few moments passed before the old ghoul was finally satisfied with her examination of Ranma. Leaning forward on her staff, she smiled knowingly. "I suspected as much. Well, Ayanami, aren't you even going to say hello to your own mother?"

"WHAT?" came the general cry. Genma went pale.

Soun burst into tears. "Oh how horribly tragic that your wife has aged so poorly, Saotome! Now the schools will never be joined!"

Nabiki blinked, not entirely sure what Ranma's mother and her aging poorly has to do with the schools being joined, but at the same time, not caring enough to point out this lack of connection to her father.

Ranma glared at Genma. "Pop, is this old hag really my mother?"

Cologne whacked Ranma upside the head with her staff.

"ITTE!"

"Respect your elders, daughter."

"Whatever. So pop, answer me. Is this woman really my mother?"

Genma promptly jumped into the koi pond and held up a sign. I'm just a cute panda!

A look of nausea flashed across everyone's faces then at the thought of Cologne and Genma together.

"Damnit, there's no way I can believe that an old hag-" thwack! "-like you could possibly be my mother! Admit it! You're really Wrinkle, come to send me away to a paradox realm for kicking reality in the head by using too much Vulgar Magick!"

At this point, everyone looked at Ranma as if she had sprouted a third eye. "Ranma," Nabiki began, "What the HELL are you talking about?"

Cologne frowned. "I'm not Wrinkle. My real name is Lillith. You can call me Cologne if you like."

Ranma's mouth dropped open, and for a moment he looked rather like a fish removed from the water. 'Lillith? She's not Wrinkle, she's LILLITH?' she thought, almost giggling at the thought. She then voiced the one word that summed up the way the day was going thus far: "... Shit."

"If you're quite done, daughter, I think it's high time you and I had a good long talk. We have much to catch up on."

Shampoo stage whispered: "Great-Grandmother very scary when she not get her way. Is best to do as she say."

Mousse warked, and in response, Shampoo gave a savage tug to his leash (and subsequently, to his choke chain). Mousse fell silent.

"... I'm no one's daughter, old hag." THWACK! "Itte! Stop doing that! I said I'm NO ONE'S daughter! I'm a GUY!"

Cologne smirked knowingly. "Indeed? We'll need to talk about this confused sexuality of yours as well, then." she grabbed Ranma by the ear and forcibly pulled her away from the breakfast table. "Come along, daughter."

"But my breakfast...! And I AIN'T your daughter!"

With that knowing smirk still on her face, Cologne ignored Ranma's protest and proceeded to drag the pig-tailed girl out of the room.

-------------

- MEANWHILE -

-------------

On a sunny little beach in the Bahamas, Queen Beryl smiled contentedly as she sipped something vaguely alcoholic from one of those cool little glasses with a tiny umbrella in it. "Remind me to thank Roseite for having such a wonderful idea," she said to the youma attendant who stood close at hand. "Tokyo is both overrated and too well defended. THIS was the place to conquer."

"As you say, your highness," said the youma attendant, who knew better than to disagree with her queen.

Beryl nodded. "Yes, it IS as I say, isn't it? That's the beauty of it." Bikini-clad and lounging comfortably on a very expensive version of a full-length reclining pool-side chair, she was the very image of monstrously unsexy contentment. Unless you happen to care for dangerously slinky with bony protrusions growing out of the shoulders, that is. Of course, all of this is more or less irrelevant, seeing as how the good queen of the Dark Kingdom doesn't really have much to do with this chapter, but hey, I needed a quick transition scene, and this serves well enough.

-------------------

Even as her royal slinkiness sunned herself on a beach in the recently conquered Bahamas, Meioh Setsuna was smiling pleasantly as Kay, a middle-aged man clad in a black suit with sunglasses, handed her a small briefcase.

"Everything's in order, Setsuna," said Kay, stoic as always.

His partner, Jay, chimed in then: "Yeah. We got everything you asked for right here, uh, Setsuna,"

Setsuna bowed slightly as she accepted the briefcase. "My thanks to you both. I owe you one, Kay."

"Not a problem."

And as Setsuna vanished into the air, Jay directed a nervous glance at his partner. "So... who was that, and why did we just give her a briefcase full of sensitive MiB equipment?"

Kay shook his head. "Don't ask."

After a moment of silence, Jay spoke again. "Damn but that girl was fine. Do you think...?"

"No."

-------------------

The day was in full bloom, then. The sun shone brilliantly through the patchy clouds, and the leaves of the trees rustled as the wind danced gently through them. A handful of sakura petals drifted by on the breeze, coming to rest on the surface of the Tendo's koi pond.

"So then, daughter," Cologne began, sitting next to Ranma on the side deck of the Tendo home, looking out at the yard, "Where have you been all this time? Too busy to give your mother a call?"

"I don't know what you're talking about, old ghoul. I ain't your daughter. I'm Ranma Saotome, and I'm a GUY."

Cologne cackled at that. "Is that what you're calling yourself these days? Very good, daughter." Her face took on a sly expression. "But we both know that you have had many names over the millennia. Many names indeed. Ashtoreth. Demon. Inanna. Az. Mother. Destroyer. And always, Warrior."

"What the hell are you talking about?"

"It seems you have forgotten much. Don't be afraid, daughter. It will all come back to you in time. But for now, I see that you've slipped up considerably in your training. I intend to correct this."

Ranma cocked an eyebrow at that. "Training?"

Cologne smiled.

The door to the house slid open, and out stepped Kasumi, carrying two cups of tea. As she opened the door, the rest of the Tendo family, having had their ears pressed to the door at just that moment, came tumbling out. Looking sheepish, they promptly made their way back inside, pretending that nothing had happened at all.

"Cologne-san, I thought you might like some tea," said Kasumi, smiling sunnily.

"Thank you, child," said Cologne as she accepted the tea. "It's good to see that at least SOME of your Father's children remember their manners."

"Hey old ghoul, what's with those marks on your face, anyways? They're the same as Kasumi's, aren't they?"

Kasumi went pale at that, and quickly made her exit.

Cologne smiled knowingly. "They are the marks of my station, daughter. You have a mark of your own, you know - the mark of YOUR station. Which brings me back to the subject of your training..."

Ranma shrugged. If she was going to get some training out of it, this couldn't be ALL bad...

Some time later...

"Daughter, calm yourself. Return to the exercise."

"I don't see how this is helping me, old ghoul. And don't call me 'daughter!'"

"Respect your elders!" THWACK

Ranma and Cologne were in the dojo. Ranma knelt on a mat in the center of the room as Cologne pogoed about in front of him. Off to the side, Shampoo sat watching.

"Grandmother would be wise to heed Great-Grandmother's advice."

Ranma directed a glare at the purple-haired Amazon. "God damnit, don't call me 'Grandmother!'"

"Why not? You is great-grandmother's daughter. That means you is grandmother."

Ranma ground her teeth, and a flickering red aura began to swirl around her.

"Good! That's it, Ranma. More depression. More anger. More frustration. Emotions that feed the desire to isolate yourself from others will strengthen your AT field, while the opposite – love, joy, acceptance and the like, will produce an anti-AT field, which I don't think you are quite ready for yet."

"I hate you, old ghoul."

Cologne cackled.

"These emotions, though... depression, anger, frustration. They aren't me. Isn't there some other focus I can find?"

"What would you suggest, daughter? Can you think of something else that will fuel your desire to remain separate from Others?"

Ranma grew thoughtful. "... hmm," she murmered.

-------------------

Akane shut the door to her room and shook her head. "If it's not one thing it's another," she murmered to the empty room. "You'd think that things would eventually settle back to normal... maybe."

"Having trouble dealing?" the empty room asked.

Akane jumped in surprise and whirled around. She calmed significantly when she realized that it was only Nabiki. "I... didn't notice you when I came in," she said.

"Obviously."

Akane frowned. "Right."

Silence hung in the air between the two of them for a moment.

"So are you really giving up on the engagement, sis?"

A pang of regret stabbed through Akane, and after a moment, she nodded. "It's for the best. I'm not into women that way, you know."

Nabiki raised an eyebrow. "I thought you hated boys?"

Akane grew annoyed. "I do. I don't mind men, though."

"Like Doctor Tofu?"

"..."

"Right. All I'm saying is, you might not want to give up so quickly. There could be a cure for her condition, you know."

Akane's annoyance grew. "It would never work between me and Ranma, Nabiki."

"Oh? And why not?"

Akane fell silent then, actually taking the time to think about her response. As she thought, the annoyance faded from her expression. At length, she said, "... Because we're too much alike."

Nabiki's confident smirk softened at that, and she was silent.

"Well, we are."

"You don't need to convince me, Akane. Or am I the one you're trying to convince?"

Akane said nothing, and she grew thoughtful.

------------------

---- ELSEWHEN ----

------------------

A little girl watched in horror as a darkness beyond all knowing collected within the chamber of her father's experiment. Tendrils of dark power pulsed outwards. She could hear her father's screams. A scientist was torn apart before her eyes, and somehow, she knew that the darkness was coming for her next. It surged towards her, shattering the chamber that had been meant to contain it. For an instant, the dark power flooded through her body. Her world exploded into a haze of pain and otherworldly hatred. "OTOUCHAN!" she screamed. Or tried to. A queer silence had fallen upon the laboratory, and though she screamed with everything that was in her, no sound came forth. There came a flash of purple light, and Tomoe Hotaru knew no more.

-------------------

She ran.

She had tried to face the beast. Tried to save her friends. She had failed. All dead. All dead except for her, and that wasn't to last. Narkissos was hot on her heels, reaching, grabbing. She felt its hand grab ahold of her hair, and with a horribly painful yank, Aino Minako fell to the ground. The monster scooped her up by the throat, preparing to crush the life from her. There came a flash of light, and she knew no more.

-------------------

In the Juuban general hospital, a woman lay dying. The birth had gone poorly, and the doctors couldn't stop the bleeding. The baby also lay dying at her side. The beautiful baby girl that she and her husband had not even named yet. And yet in that moment, a wave of peace came upon her. She looked down at her daughter and smiled. "I love you, little one. Makoto. Your mother loves you."

The baby vanished.

-------------------

Mizuno Ami trembled as the creature that had been her teacher pushed her face against the computer screen. "You cannot escape, Ami. Give your energy to the Dark Kingdom!"

Dark bands of energy reached out from the computer, and yet they could not find purchase upon her. Light burst forth from her forehead as an ancient sigil flared to life. The youma cast her to the ground.

"I see," it said. "You're one of THEM. Queen Beryl will reward me for your death."

Ami stared defiantly up at the monster, even as it flung a serrated, magically reinforced report card at her neck. She felt it connect, sliding through her flesh with obscene ease. It struck bone and stopped. Unable to breathe and bleeding heavily from her throat, Ami knew that she was going to die. This creature had killed her... killed her...

The youma jumped in surprise as the dying figure of Mizuno Ami vanished in a flash of light.

-------------------

At the gates of time, Sailor Pluto stood before four glittering cylinders, a smile on her face. Within each tube was a human form, suspended within a curious healing liquid. Bacta, she believed it was called.

It would be some time before they were ready, but she was now well on her way towards repairing the timeline. Although it was now impossible to restore the timeline to what it once was, it WAS possible for it to reach the same destination. The placement of these missing pieces upon the board would see to that.

The path to Crystal Tokyo, and to the survival of the human species, was once again becoming clear.

END EPISODE 8

-------------------

Comments? Criticisms? Do you like it? Love it? Hate it? Let me know! Let's keep it civil, please. Flames will be laughed at. MSTies will also be laughed at, but in an entirely different manner than flames.


	10. Martial Arts CrossCountry Sprinting

key:

Ryouga - native Ryouga  
Ryoga - the Ryouga from 'Sailor Ranko'

Disclaimer: Sailor Moon is the property of Takeuichi Naoko. Ranma belongs to Takahashi Rumiko. Evangelion belongs to Gainax. The Bet concept and the accompanying cast and background of Mimir's Well belong to Metroanime.

----------------------

Cthulhu gazed into Mimir's well, watching the goings on in the world that his interference has created. More specifically, it was watching the activities of Sailor Pluto, and despite its lack of the appropriate features to do so, was giving every impression of frowning.

**PERHAPS THE TIME HAS COME FOR THE ME IN THIS WORLD TO AWAKEN. THINGS ARE BEGINNING TO ACHIEVE NORMALCY, AND NORMAL IS BORING. LET'S SEE NOW...**

Cthulhu's frown deepened (so to speak).

**OH. RIGHT. THERE ISN'T A ME IN THIS WORLD. WHAT DO I HAVE TO WORK WITH, THEN?**

**GOD DAMNIT. FINE. I GUESS THAT WILL HAVE TO DO.**

Cthulhu brushed the surface of the well with a tentacle. At that moment, in the nethermost reaches of the ocean, the cutest little sanity-shredding warble you've ever heard echoed through the depths...

----------------------

Ranma 1/2: WHY SAILOR PLUTO HATES THE BET  
A Ranma crossover fanfic  
by P.H. Wise

Episode 9: Martial Arts Cross-Country Sprinting

----------------------

"GENMA SAOTOME, PREPARE TO DIE!"

The cry split the night like an axe, shattering the stillness of the evening into a thousand tiny pieces, most of which Genma proceeded to step on as he ran in a panic; they cut his feet, and he hated it when that happened. There was nothing worse than the little cuts you get on your feet from walking over the tiny little pieces that the stillness of the evening is prone to shatter into when you live in Nerima. In close pursuit came a dark figure wielding a giant spatula. There wasn't much room to run in the Tendo yard, but run Genma did.

The guest-room window slid open, and Ranma stuck her head out, looking both bleary-eyed and extremely annoyed.

"HEY POP, KEEP IT DOWN OUT THERE, WOULD YA?"

"FOOLISH BOY!" cried Genma as he dodged a swing of the razor-sharp spatula. "GET DOWN HERE AND DEFEND YOUR FATHER!"

Ranma yawned. "Yeah, whatever. Damnit, whoever you are, kill him more quietly. People are tryin' ta sleep." With that, she shut the window.

The next morning found Genma, bruised and beaten, lying facedown in the Tendo yard.

Nobody really noticed.

As the others sat down for breakfast, Kasumi presented Ranma with a letter. "Ranma-kun," said she with a smile, "That nice boy who mangled your father last night left this for you. He said it was a challenge."

Ranma blinked. "A challenge?" She took the letter and opened it. "Let's see... 'Ranma Saotome, you and your father have ruined my life...' Sounds pretty standard so far. '... challenge you to a martial arts cross-country sprinting match...'" She lowered the letter. "Thanks, Kasumi."

"Martial Arts cross-country sprinting?" Akane asked incredulously.

Ranma shrugged. "I ain't never heard of it either, but if it's got martial arts in it, I can do it."

"Whatever."

"Now now, Akane, you should be more supportive of your fiancee."

Akane directed a withering look in her father's direction. He had used the english word – fiancee, and not 'iinazuke.' "She is NOT my fiance. She's a girl!"

Soun laughed. "Of course she's not your fiance. She's your fiancee!"

Akane ground her teeth, suddenly understanding the full horror of the play on words that her father had spoken. "That's not funny," she said, glaring at Ranma.

"Hey, why are you looking at ME like that? It ain't MY fault."

"Ah, young love," said Soun, trying his best to look exceedingly wise. "Book a flight to Hawaii, Nabiki! They can be married today!"

"LOVE?" Ranma sputtered. "Who'd want to marry a flat-chested tomboy like her?"

Akane's chopsticks snapped in her hands as her battle-aura flared into the visible spectrum. "Flat-chested tomboy, am I? I'll show you a flat-chested tomboy! DIE, Ranma!" And with that, she punted him through the wall and into low earth orbit.

Nabiki frowned and spoke up then for the first time that morning. "Sis, can you aim for the door next time? They're easier to replace than walls."

Akane sighed. She'd let her temper get the better of her again. That was one particular trait that she and Ranma did NOT have in common. Remorse stabbed at her. "... I didn't mean to..."

Nabiki and Kasumi exchanged glances.

"Akane-chan," said Kasumi as she brushed a few bits of stray debris off of the breakfast table, "Do you remember what I told you about striking people in anger?"

Akane nodded faintly. "... I remember."

"You broke your promise to me, Akane-chan. You've broken it fairly regularly ever since Ranma arrived."

Guilt and annoyance arose in Akane in equal measure. "I know, Kasumi. I'm sorry, I just... he makes me so MAD!"

Kasumi smiled sadly. "I know." She shook her head. "Akane-chan, don't you have your secret Sailor Senshi meeting today?"

Akane's eye began to twitch.

----------------------

At the Nekohanten, business was booming. It had taken some work to get it up and running in such a short amount of time, but with the way things were going now, Cologne was sure that she was well on her way towards turning a profit. It amused her to do this from time to time – to live among the mortals, to run a restaurant, or teach at a dojo, or rule a land. As she carefully tasted the soup that she was cooking, a smile flitted across her old and withered face. Things were moving in an interesting direction these days. For the first time in centuries, she was actually curious! Curious to see how it would all turn out!

Chuckling softly to herself, she dished up a bowl of soup. "Shampoo, table two's order is ready."

Shampoo bounced into the kitchen. "Hai, great-grandmother!" she said cheerfully as she scooped up the bowl. She paused at the door a moment. "How long we staying here with the lillim, great grandmother?"

"You're a lillim yourself, child."

"Shampoo different kind of lillim. You know what Shampoo mean. The humans."

Cologne cackled. "Calm yourself, child. We're staying here until my daughter decides to come home with us. Now take table two its' order."

"Yes great-grandmother."

As Shampoo departed, Cologne gave a dark corner of the room a sidelong glance. "And how long are you going to hide there, Adam?"

The shadows seemed to writhe for a moment before Happosai stepped into the light. "Hello, Lillith."

"If this is about convincing my daughter to merge with you, you can forget it. I'll not have my own flesh and blood becoming one with a creature like you."

Happosai frowned. "I already tried that, actually. She wasn't terribly interested in the idea."

"Wasn't terribly interested?"

"... I had to swim back from Antarctica."

Cologne cackled. "Serves you right. I've got a lot invested in that one."

Happosai shook his withered head. "It's your fault, you know. She gets it from you. You never were willing to let me have my way. Things would have been much easier if you had."

"Let's not start THAT argument again, Happi." She paused, looking at him very carefully before saying, "Happi, why are you here?"

Happosai did his best to look like a wise sage as he spoke. "In the course of my journeys, I happened upon a small village being terrorized by bandits. I arrived just as the bandits were about to kill the daughter of the mayor – a beautiful girl if there ever was one. After I saved her, in gratitude, they gave me a gift: a kettle with the power to return those splashed with its water to their true form."

Cologne cocked an eyebrow. Her interest was piqued.

"I hid the kettle in the mountains nearby, but I have here a map of its location." He produced the map and handed it to Cologne, who took it and gave it a skeptical glance.

"Adam," said she, "You can't fool me. How did you REALLY get the kettle?"

Happosai frowned. "Why can't an old man have his fun? Fine. It was several hundred years ago, and I was freeing a set of silky darlings from the Musk. This was back when women were still a part of their tribe, of course. They left the kettle out, and I stole it."

Cologne laughed. "That's more like it. Stole it from the Musk, did you? This isn't going to get you back in my good graces, Adam."

Happosai's frown deepened. "Can't an old man give a gift to his ex-wife without her suspecting that he's up to something?"

"An old man may, but not you."

Happosai harrumphed.

----------------------

Flames billowed before her as the fire crackled and roared like a living thing, straining at the confines that had been imposed upon it. Heat and light blazed forth with dazzling intensity. She chanted.

"Concentrate, Asuka," Luna said as she watched Asuka in the midst of her fire reading. "You have to find out why the Dark Kingdom has been so quiet lately. Concentrate!"

"Is this going to take long?" Akane asked. "I'm supposed to be home for dinner."

"SHUT UP AND LET ME CONCENTRATE ALREADY!" Asuka shouted, directing a withering glare at the two. Unfortunately, with her concentration broken, all of the chi that she had been using suddenly surged into the flame. The fire BLAZED for a moment, and then, an image began to form.

"NOW look what you made me do! DUMMKOPFS!" she took a deep breath. "... I guess we should at least see what we got."

Artemis padded into the room, then, just as the images of Miaka and Tamahome appeared in the fire, the two of them locked in a passionate kiss.

Akane blinked. "Hey, I know this episode!"

Artemis blinked. "I didn't know the sacred fire could do that. Wouldn't it be easier just to get cable, though?"

"Mind your own business, cat," snapped Asuka. She glanced at the anime playing on the fire. "... and pass me the popcorn."

Luna sweatdropped heavily. That signalled the end of THIS meeting.

----------------------

The day was just this side of too hot to be comfortable. The sky was emtpy of clouds, and the air was still. It was a day for lazying about around the house, sleeping in hammocks, and lounging by the pool-side. Ranma was doing none of those things. Rather, the pig-tailed girl was getting off the Tokyo subway (and doing her level best to refrain from killing the man she had been squashed painfully against on the too-crowded train). She departed from the subway station alone, and alone she continued into the small park on the very outskirts of the city, where a small crowd had gathered. Strung between two great trees, a banner read: The Martial Arts Cross Country Sprinting Challenge!

"Saotome!" a voice called from nearby.

Ranma turned to look, and saw standing near the starting line a drop-dead gorgeous teenaged girl clad in shorts and a white t-shirt. She had long brown hair, and there was an oversized spatula strapped to her back. Something about her tugged at Ranma's memory, but she couldn't identify what it was. She could feel heat rising in her cheeks as she stared at the girl. She stammered a bit. At length, she managed to ask, "Are you Ukyou Kuonji?"

Ukyou smiled. "I am, and thanks."

"For what?"

"Your reaction. I think you're very attractive as well."

Ranma turned completely red at that. "Um... yeah. I, uh..." she stammered.

Ukyou approached the pig-tailed girl with a predatory look in her eyes. "I paint, you know. Do you think you could model for me sometime?"

Bleeding slightly from the nose, Ranma continued to stammer. Quite obviously she was VERY uncomfortable, and also quite obviously at a complete loss for what to do.

Her smile widening slightly, Ukyou leaned in so close to the pig-tailed girl that their lips nearly touched. "Think about it," she whispered.

Within Ranma's brain, the following protocols began to run:

Analysis of situation: Inexplicable female attention.

Further analysis: Very attractive female attention.

Activate foot-in-mouth defense.

"I... uh... that is..."

Unable to activate foot-in-mouth defense. Commencing with complete neurological shutdown.

And with that, Ranma's mind snapped. Into a daze she went, staring off into space with a slight nosebleed and just a little bit of drool coming out of her mouth.

Smiling triumphantly, Ukyou walked back to the starting line just in time. At that moment, the announcer held up his pistol. "On your mark. Get set..." There was a faint shuffling as everyone took their positions. With a deafening crack, the pistol went off, and instantly the runners sprang into motion, tearing off across the park and towards the open country-side.

The pistol-shot jolted Ranma out of her daze. "What the... what happened?" It then occured to her exactly what had just happened. Her eyes narrowed. "Of all the dirty tricks..." she shook her head. "No time for that now, I gotta get running!"

And run she did. Though she had lost a good twenty seconds (the distance from her starting point to the actual starting line), she quickly caught up with the few straggling martial artists who, while possessing great strength and endurance, did not excell in the speed department. Ranma flipped up and over a sumo wrestler's head to avoid his attempt to stomp her into the ground, and quickly attempted to sweep his legs out from under him when she landed on the other side. Attempted being the operating word here. Her leg collided with his with a meaty thud, and he budged not at all. Grimacing, she propelled herself into the air and away from him, avoiding yet another stomp attempt. She landed on the trunk of a tree. Yes, ON the trunk, standing sideways. Using the tree as a springboard, she jumpkicked the sumo wrestler in the face, and down he went. And off SHE went.

Ducking beneath sword blows, weaving to avoid a spray of razor-sharp chopsticks, and even jumping to dodge a stray kitchen sink, Ranma made her way towards the leaders of the race. She could see Ukyou now, some ten yards ahead of any of the other runners. Ranma ran on, and as she ran, she heard a voice whisper in her ear: "I am the wind."

She blinked, glancing this way and that for the source of the voice. Finding it not, she ran on. The finish-line was fast approaching. Ukyou lobbed a few explosive okonomiyakis behind her, and the main pack of runners was sent flying in all directions. Legs pumping, the wind blasting through her hair, Ranma had the most peculiar sensation of flight – that she was hovering off the ground and not running at all. Again the voice whispered: "I am the wind."

"Well, whoever you are," said Ranma, this time not bothering to look about for the voice's source, "if you're not gonna get in my way, then I don't care what you do."

The a sigil flared into existance on Ranma's forehead, and her running speed suddenly doubled. She was even with Ukyou now. No, she was PASSING Ukyou. Ukyou stared at her with wide eyes as she blazed past, mouthing the word, "Masaka..."

The finish line was only ten meters away. Nine. Eight. Seven. Six. Five. Four. Three.

Suddenly, an explosion of rock and dirt erupted just in front of the racing pig-tailed girl, and she was flung to the side, coming skidding to a halt a mere three inches from the finish line. Ukyou crossed the finish line, and from out of the center of the newly revealed tunnel from whence the explosion had come, Ryouga hopped out.

"Now where am I?" cried the Eternal Lost Boy.

"Ryouga?"

"RANMA! You... because of you, I'VE SEEN HELL!"

Ranma snorted, flipping to her feet and tossing her pigtail back behind her head (it had fallen in front of her eyes). "Whatever, Ryouga. I don't got time for this." Ranma turned and headed after Ukyou.

Ukyou glanced over her shoulder at the pig-tailed girl. "Something you wanted, sugar?"

"That was a dirty trick. It didn't count! I want a rematch!"

"Ara, was it a trick?" asked Ukyou with a smile.

It took a moment, but when Ranma finally understood the implication of that, she flushed beet red. "Uh... that is... um... so why the change of heart, anyways? You were really hostile in the challenge letter. And it DID say a man-to-man challenge, and you're, uh..."

"HOW DARE YOU IGNORE ME, RANMA! PREPARE TO DIE!"

Ukyou shrugged. "I decided that if my fiance is really a girl, then I can be a girl too."

"BAKUSAI TENKETSU!"

Ranma whirled around just in time to leap out of the way of Ryouga's strike. When Ryouga's finger connected with the ground that Ranma had been standing on, there came a tremendous explosion of earth and stone. Ranma's eyes narrowed. With a moment's concentration, she erected an AT barrier to deflect the shrapnel.

Trying to move quickly enough as to not allow Ranma time to recover, Ryouga cried out, "BAKUSAI TENKETSU!" and once again struck at the ground beneath Ranma's feet.

His hand never actually touched the dirt. Before it could do so, Ranma's eyes flared red, and a strangely geometrical yellow barrier field formed around her right hand. She swung it at Ryouga, and the barrier propelled itself into him, knocking him into the air... up... up... up... and the lost boy vanished into the distance.

Ukyou clapped, and Ranma blushed.

"You really are beautiful, Ranchan. I'm serious about the modeling thing, you know."

At a loss for words, Ranma stood and watched as the brown-haired girl turned and walked away.

And then...

"Wait a minute... FIANCE?"

At the tendo residence, Genma sneezed.

----------------------

--- The Next Day ---

"Wait... you have ANOTHER fiancee?"

Ranma blinked. "That's what I said, ain't it?"

"How did THIS happen?"

"How am I supposed to know? I didn't even know about YOU until my pop knocked me out and dragged me to your house!"

"I'm NOT your fiancee anymore, Ranma. I'm not going to marry another girl."

The two of them were on their way to school, and so far as Ranma could tell, Akane was not terribly pleased with this news of another fiancee. By 'not terribly pleased,' of course, I mean she was seeing red and ready to kill the first thing that happened to cross her path. It didn't help much that Ukyou was waiting at the gate to the school. Still, clad as she was in the male school uniform and having her breasts bound as she did, Ranma didn't clue in immediately to who it was.

"Hey Ranchan!"

Ranma and Akane both looked up at that. Ranma looked at Ukyou for a long moment. Something seemed familiar about this 'guy'... wait... "You! You're...! ... Wait, you fell into a cursed spring, too?"

Akane's eyes narrowed, and Ukyou blinked. "Say what?" they asked simultaneously – Akane with rising anger and (though she would never admit it) jealousy, Ukyou with confusion.

Suddenly, Ranma's eyes widened.

FLASH

A little girl and a little boy fight in front of the Kuonji okonomiyaki stand. The boy wins, and receives an okonomiyaki.

FLASH

"Ucchan...?"

Ukyou nodded, a smile lighting up her face. "You remember?"

"... you're a girl?"

Akane's eye began to twitch.

"Last time I checked."

"When did that happen?"

Ukyou looked at Ranma very strangely. "I was born this way, sugar. I guess we both thought wrong, didn't we?"

Ranma went bugeyed at that. "Both thought wrong?"

Ukyou nodded. "I always thought you were a guy up until just recently."

"... I was."

Ukyou blinked.

"Who's this, Ranma?" asked Akane, finally gaining enough control of her temper to trust herself to speak.

Ukyou grinned. "I'm Ukyou. Ranma's fiancee."

Ranma cringed, and Akane's battle aura became visible. The tension in the air between the three was so intense as to come very close to being a visible thing in that moment. She struggled visibly to control the white-hot rage that her temper had brought with it. The moment passed. "FINE. SEE IF I CARE, YOU MISERABLE PERVERT!" she screamed at the top of her lungs as she stormed off.

Ukyou blinked.

Ranma shrugged. "She's kinda got a bad temper."

Ukyou nodded faintly. "The sky is blue."

----------------------

Ryouga nearly shook with rage as he spoke, his fist clenched, and that little vein on his forehead bulging so much that it looked like it might pop at any moment. "Ranma Saotome, damn you...!" he glanced at his cross-temporal twin. "You said that new technique would let me beat him, but he's gotten more powerful somehow! He swatted me aside like I was nothing more than a bug! I... I've never been so depressed in my LIFE!"

Ryoga nodded. "I can't allow Ranma to smack MY cross-temporal twin around like that. Treat a RYOUGA like a bug, will he? Watch closely, Ryouga. I'm going to show you a technique so powerful, it'll blast Ranma into a thousand pieces!"

His interest piqued, Ryouga watched. And then it began to rain, and both Ryougas changed.

"BWEEE!" said P-chan, "Bwee bweee bwe bweee bwee squeal squeal bwee."

N-chan nodded carefully. "So if I draw in all my depression..."

P-chan grinned.

Neither of them noticed that they had changed.

----------------------

Within the throne room of the Dark Kingdom palace, a newly tanned Queen Beryl sat upon her throne, a smirk on her face.

"Roseite, I command you to come forth!"

"Yes, your highness?"

"We've been away far too long, Roseite. It's high time we get back into the business of bringing about Third Impact... or was it Second? Nevermind. Tell me your plan."

Roseite laughed (OOOHOHOHOHOHOHOHO!), and Beryl (along with most of the court) winced.

"My plan is simply GENIUS, my Queen! I intend simply to kidnap a human, plug them into our power supply, and drain their energy direct..." she trailed off as a curious creature materialized next to her.

It looked much like a Pikachu, save that instead of the standard mouth, it had a mass of slimy tendrils, and it had the most adorable chibi membranous wings. A courtier screamed, and another cried out, "IT'S A PIKATHULHU! RUN! IF YOU LOOK AT IT IT WILL DRIVE YOU COMPLETELY MAD... oh shit."

Pandemonium broke out in the court as the majority of the courteseans were driven completely mad. Gibbering, they fled from the throne room, leaving Beryl and Roseite alone.

"So you don't have any kind of immunities to that kind of thing, do you?" Roseite asked.

"Nope."

"So I guess we're both totally insane now."

"I suppose so."

Roseite paused a moment, seeming to consider her next question carefully. "... do you feel any different?"

"No. Do you?"

"No."

The Pikathulhu chose that moment to speak up. "Pika! Pika!"

Beryl folded her hand in front of her mouth and smirked. "Roseite, I believe this young Pikathulhu is offering us its services."

"Pika! Pikawarble!"

Roseite promptly glomped the creature. "Kawaii!"

"Roseite, I command you to refrain from glomping the insufferably cute Thing Which Man Was Not Meant To Know."

----------------------

"... so then he drags me off to China, even though he doesn't speak a WORD of Chinese. It wasn't so bad at first, but then we reach this 'secret training ground' that he's been talking about. Jusenkyou. There's these cursed springs there, and anyone who falls in turns into whatever the last thing was that drowned there." Ranma clenched her fist, obviously very angry. "I fell into a spring called 'Ayanami-nichuan.' I came out like this. Normally hot water will reverse the curse until ya get splashed with cold again, and for a while, I could go back to being a guy whenever I could get my hands on hot water. It doesn't work anymore, though."

Ukyou wasn't quite sure what to think of that. She shook her head in wonder. "You're not joking, are you." A statement, not a question.

"Wish I was."

It was lunchtime, and the two were sitting together beneath a tree some distance removed from the general crowd.

"I don't know what to say. I'm sorry, Ranchan. It must be rough."

Ranma looked vaguely uncomfortable at that, not really used to getting sympathy. At length, she nodded. "Yeah."

There was a silence between them for a few moments, and then Ukyou asked, "Ranchan, why did you leave me behind, back then?" There was a hint of bitterness in her voice. "I'll bet the whole trip wouldn't have been so bad if you'd had someone with you besides your jackass of a father."

Ranma quirked an eyebrow. "Whaddya mean, 'leave you behind?' What're ya talkin about?"

FLASH

A chibi-Ranma sits on top of the yatten as Genma runs away, dragging it along behind him. Chibi-Ukyou chases after them. Ranma waves to Ukyou. "Bye, Ucchan!"

Ukyou shouts for them to wait, but Ranma doesn't hear. Ukyou stumbles and falls, and there on the ground, she begins to cry.

**FLASH**

"I remember you ran after us, but wasn't that just because ya didn't want to see us leave?"

Ukyou blinked. "Wait... you don't even KNOW?

"Know what?"

"I wasn't running after you because I didn't want you to leave, Ranchan. I was running after you because your idiot father had left me behind!" Ukyou grew angry as she continued. "My father and your father made an agreement that the two of us should get married. The yattai was the dowry, and your father took it and ran off!"

Shock rippled through Ranma's system. Her best friend from her childhood was really her fiancee. Not that they could get married at this point anyways, seeing as how she was kinda stuck as a girl at the moment. "Fiancee..." Ranma whispered.

Ukyou nodded. "When you left, my father decided that he had no daughter, and tried to raise me as a son until such a time as our honour was avenged. He tried to make me give up everything I loved, and concentrate ONLY on training." Her anger subsided a little, replaced by sadness. "Did you know that I used to play the violin? I don't remember how anymore, but I used to be really good. The only thing I managed to continue doing that I had done before was painting."

Ranma shook her head. "Damnit, pop," he whispered, "Why'd you do that to Ucchan...?" She found herself unable to look Ukyou in the eye. "This is ridiculous. I've got TWO fiancees, BOTH arranged by my father, and I can't marry EITHER of them!"

Ukyou raised an eyebrow. "Why can't you marry... wait, TWO fiancees? Ranchan..." And that's as far as she got before the bloodcurdling screams began.

Ranma bolted to her feet and darted off towards the source of the screams, Ukyou close behind. Through both of their minds flashed the thought: 'The duty of the martial artist is to protect the weak.'

They reached the center of the schoolyard, and came upon a horrific sight: A crowd of gibbering students spouting nonsense phrases, each one of them trying to tear every other one limb from limb with his or her bare hands.

"... Seems normal enough..."

Ukyou sweatdropped. "THIS is normal?"

"Well, yeah."

Suddenly, the sound of battle echoed across the schoolyard. Ranma and Ukyou exchanged glances. Ukyou produced her spatula from subspace.

There! On the roof, Tuxedo-Mallet and an insanely cute Thing Which Man Was Not Meant To Know were locked in fierce combat, while Roseite stood close at hand, shouting instructions to her Pikathulhu.

"I'm not going to let you get away with driving MY classmates mad!" Akane shouted as she flung her hammer at the creature.

"Pikathulhu! Come flapping in on vast, membranous wings!"

"Pika! Pika!"

The creature jumped into the air, over the hammer, and soared on its kawaii little wings towards Akane. Another hammer appeared in Akane's hand, which she quickly swung at the creature.

"Pikathulhu! Rise of the old ones, now!"

"PIKA!"

The creature dropped to the ground below Akane's hammer strike, and then did a spinning uppercut which knocked her to the ground.

Ranma sweatdropped. "... You have GOT to be kidding me."

Ukyou leaped up to the roof in a single terrific leap. "Come on, Ranchan!" she called. Ranma shrugged helplessly before following her up, and so the battle was joined. Ukyou whacked the creature over the head with her combat-spatula. Momentarily dazed, the Pikathulhu took a hammer straight to the face, followed up by a jumpkick from Ranma. As she connected with the creature, Ranma shuddered. It felt like kicking a giant sponge. A surge of power came from the creature, and the three of them were flung backwards.

"PIKATHULHU! FINISH THEM OFF! END OF THE WORLD WARBLE!"

Pikathulhu waaaarbled, and the sound echoed, growing louder and SHARPER with each rebound until it had transformed into a tremendous blast of pure sonic force, aimed directly at the three humans.

"FIRE... SOUL!"

A blast of flame lashed out from somewhere off to the left of the group. It collided with the sonic blast in midair and, and both attacks exploded spectacularly. Everyone whirled around.

"Terrorizing girls on the rooftop of the school is unforgivable! I am Sailor Mars, and in the name of Mars and with high heels, I'll chastize you!"

Ranma was somewhat nonplused. "Huh?" she asked, echoed a moment later by Ukyou's, "What?"

"... I was in a rush, and it was all I could think of, OK?"

"SUUUURE."

Sailor Mars shook her head. "Less talk, more monster-killing!"

Roseite laughed triumphantly, and everyone winced. "OOOOHOHOHOHOHOHO! Pikathulhu! End of the World Warble!"

Once more a sonic blast lanced forth. Ranma, Ukyou and Sailor Mars leaped clear. Tuxedo Mallet, however... took it head on and was blasted into unconsciousness.

"AKANE!" Ranma cried. Her eyes began to glow an undying red as a matching deadly red aura flared into existance, writhing madly around her.

Ranma leaped at the Pikathulhu, and not a moment too soon, its aura sprung into existence around it. Their auras met with a flash of light, and the very air seemed to crackle with power. Ukyou threw a few throwing spatulas at the Thing even as Sailor Mars tossed another fireball its way. Both attacks broke upon the creature's aura, both the fireball and the spatulas disintegrating almost instantly. The attacks were not totally without an effect, however: they did serve to distract the creature. Its concentration broken, the Pikathulhu's AT-field crumbled before Ranma's. "PIKAPIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII!" it cried as it disintegrated.

Breathing heavily, Ranma fell to her knees. A laugh (OOOOHOHOHOHOHOHO!) sounded out from behind her, and she winced. Ranma, Ukyou, and Sailor Mars all turned around, only to see Roseite hovering in the air with Tuxedo Mallet slung over her shoulder.

"This one, at least, will trouble the Dark Kingdom no longer! I take my leave of you, harridans!" cried the Black Rose of the Dark Kingdom as she vanished in a hail of (black) rose petals.

"AKANE!"

END EPISODE 9

-------------------------------

Comments? Criticisms? Do you like it? Love it? Hate it? Let me know!

Let's keep it civil, please. Flames will be laughed at. MSTies will

also be laughed at, but in an entirely different manner than flames. 8)


	11. True Colours, Part I

Ranma 1/2: WHY SAILOR PLUTO HATES THE BET  
A Ranma crossover fanfic  
by P.H. Wise

Episode 10: A Choice of Fates - True Colours, Part I

---------------

Disclaimer: Sailor Moon is the property of Takeuichi Naoko. Ranma belongs to Takahashi Rumiko. Evangelion belongs to Gainax. The Bet concept and the accompanying cast and background of Mimir's Well belong to Metroanime. Mimir's Well itself belongs to Mimir, who lives in Jotunheim under the roots of Yggdrasil. I don't own any of it, and I sincerely hope that my work of fanfiction has not offended any executives, lawyers, or guardians of the well of wisdom.

---------------

"AKANE!" Ranma cried aloud, her voice full of dismay as the black rose petals left in the wake of Roseite and Akane's disappearance floated gently towards the ground. Ranma, Ukyou and Sailor Mars yet stood on the roof of Furinkan high school. The screams of madness from below had stopped, replaced now with senseless gibbering and fevered chanting.

Ranma, Ukyou, and Mars all exchanged glances.

"Well, now what do we do?" asked Ukyou.

Ranma clenched his fist. 'We have to go to Rose-whatzits hideout and rescue Akane! Who knows what kind of torture they're going to put her through!"

Mars raised an eyebrow. "And how exactly did you plan on doing that, dummkopf? Look for the flashing neon sign that says 'evil hideout?'"

"She has a point, Ranchan."

Mars smirked in a superior fashion. "We should head back to Central Dogma and check in with Luna and Artemis. They'll know what to do."

Ranma blinked, and Ukyou looked nonplussed. "Central dogma?" they asked in unison.

Sailor Mars nodded. "Central Dogma. We call it that because it pisses Artemis off. It's really called Central Control."

"I... see," said Ukyou, giving Mars a dubious glance.

"How 'bout we go see the old ghoul instead?" asked Ranma, though it wasn't really a question as much as a statement. "She's pretty smart, and I ain't in no mood to be visiting the talkin' cats."

"The old ghoul?" asked Ukyou.

Sailor Mars frowned, and as the other two leapt down from the roof, signaled Luna and Artemis on her communicator before doing likewise.

---------------

In the nethermost caverns of the Dark Kingdom, beyond the fathoming of eyes that see, where dead thoughts live new and oddly bodied, and evil minds lurk that are not bound by flesh, a figure appeared in a swirl of black rose-petals: Roseite, general of the Dark Kingdom, and bearing Tuxedo Mallet in her arms. She laughed madly as she strode forth into the throne-room.

"My queen!" she exclaimed, placing Tuxedo Mallet on the floor before Queen Beryl's crystal ball, "I have captured one of the allies of the Sailor Senshi!"

"Have you indeed?" smirked Queen Beryl. Yes, smirked. As in, 'communicated by means of smirking.' Somehow. ... don't ask. The dark queen of the equally Dark Kingdom rose to her full height as she looked down at the captive. For a long moment, she studied Tuxedo Mallet.

"Masaka," Queen Beryl breathed, scarcely able to believe her eyes.

"My Queen?" asked Roseite.

Beryl's smirk broke into a full-blown grin. "Do you have any idea who this is? Roseite, you have done VERY well. Give her a quick run through the evil spooky brainwashing machine and then have her sent to my quarters immediately! I will deal with her myself!" She turned and strode towards the doors to her quarters. "And don't delay!"

The courtiers exchanged nervous glances. When the Queen was in THIS kind of mood, it could mean only one thing: this was going to be ugly.

---------------

Sunlight streamed through the clouds, pinpoint spots of daylight illuminating a few dozen areas as large as a city block at most, and scarcely more than a handbreadth at the smallest. These patches of mid-day drifted lazily across the ward of Nerima, casting isolated areas into full daylight for the few brief seconds before the gloom of the overcast sky settled in once more, and even more oppressive for its brief absence. One such patch of drifting mid-day glided gently over the Neko-Hanten as Ranma, shielding her eyes against the sudden stab of light, related the day's events to Cologne. Ukyou and Asuka stood close at hand, looking at the withered old troll with no small amount of distrust in their eyes.

"I see," said Cologne as Ranma's tale drew to a close. Her expression grew thoughtful. "So you've lost your fiancee, have you? This presents an interesting problem for you, daughter."

Both Ukyou and Asuka blanched at that. "DAUGHTER?" they asked as one.

Ranma raised an eyebrow, completely ignoring the reactions of her companions. "I don't see how there's a problem. You tell us where she is, we rescue her, and we get her back home in time to coo..." Ranma trailed off, a look of horror flashing onto her face for a split second. She swallowed nervously before continuing. "OK, seein' as how this is Akane's night to cook an' all, maybe we wait till AFTER dinner to rescue her."

The old woman thwacked Ranma upside the head with her staff.

"ITTE! What was that for?"

"That isn't the problem I was speaking of, daughter."

Ukyou shook her head incredulously, but said nothing.

Ranma frowned. "Well, what's the problem, then?"

"The problem is this," spake the withered troll as she produced a faded and crinkled map from the folds of her voluminous robes. She handed the map to Ranma, who took it looking slightly nonplused.

"Look it over, daughter, and tell me what you see," said Cologne.

Ranma glanced down at the map, taking a few moments to study it. When she was done with it, she handed it to Ukyou, who glanced at it before handing it to Asuka.

"It's a map of the mountains," said Ranma. "There's a hot-spring marked here," chimed in Asuka a moment later. The three girls exchanged glances and shrugged. Unseen by any of the others save Cologne, the two moon-cats arrived on the scene.

"The map," Cologne began, "divulges the location of a powerful magical artifact. The Kaisuifuu; the open-water kettle. A group of rowdy visitors will be here in a little while to retrieve this map and to take the Kaisuifuu back to China. Once there, they will most certainly not allow you to use it. If you want to use the Kaisuifuu, it must be now."

Ranma frowned. "What's the Open-Water Kettle do, and why would I want ta use it?"

Asuka also frowned, though hers was more of a 'sourpuss' frown, whereas Ranma's had been more along the lines of a thoughtful frown. "Who cares about some stupid open-water kettle? We have to save Akane!" she turned to Cologne. "You know where she is, old hag, and you'd better tell me!"

**THWACK**

"ITTE!" yelped Asuka.

"Respect your elders, child."

Shampoo, who had been listening silently from the kitchen up until then, laughed quietly. "You is too stupid lillim, make great-grandmother mad and you be sorry."

Asuka glared at Shampoo. Ranma missed whatever snappy comeback she may have made, however, as at that moment, Cologne began to speak again. As the pig-tailed girl was far more interested in hearing what the old crone had to say than in sarcastic remarks traded between red-headed senshi and purple-haired amazons, the specifics of Asuka's comeback will have to remain a mystery.

Cologne smiled mysteriously as she spoke. "The kaisuifuu, as I said, is a powerful magical artifact related to Jusenkyou curses. Just as the curses have the power to transform your body into an alien form, so does the kaisuifuu have the power to restore you to your true form. It is not a cure, but it can unlock a locked curse."

Luna and Artemis exchanged glances. Intense whispers were traded back and forth between the two for a few moments before they turned and padded quietly out of the restaurant.

"Who the hell cares about locked curses and true forms?" Asuka asked in an annoyed tone of voice. "What about Akane? We can't just leave her as the prisoner of the Dark Kingdom! Who KNOWS what kind of torture they're putting her through?"

------------------------------

MEANWHILE, IN THE DARK KINGDOM

------------------------------

"Come to me, Endymion," Beryl called from where she lounged slinkily in her silk-sheeted bed, clad only in black lingerie. "Take your rightful place at my side as my personal boy-toy."

Sitting in a chair in the corner of the room, Akane glared at Queen Beryl, clearly not amused by her attempts at seduction. "I'm not a boy, and I'm NOT INTERESTED!"

Beryl shrugged, stretching a bit more than was actually required by the gesture, and it would have done wonderful things to her chest if she hadn't been such an immensely unsexy creature.. "Fine. Come and be my personal girl-toy, then."

"I'm not a lesbian either!"

"Come now, Akane (if that's what you prefer to be called in this lifetime). Nine out of ten fanfic authors agree; you most certainly ARE a lesbian."

Akane blinked. When the statement had sunk in, she shrugged helplessly. "Well, who am I to disagree with such an enlightened mass of humanity? Let's get it on!"

Beryl smirked, and that was about all she had time to do before Akane had her locked in a passionate kiss, which quickly led to things that I am unable to describe in a fanfic that's only rated PG-13.

---------------

"They could be brainwashing her even as we speak," insisted Asuka, getting right up in Ranma's face as she went on. "Don't you care that your fiancee is probably being brutally tortured and corrupted into the service of evil?"

Ranma looked thoughtful. "Well, maybe she's not in MORTAL danger. We could probably afford to wait a few days before rescuin' her..."

Ukyou frowned at that. "Ranchan..."

Cologne cackled. "Decide quickly, daughter, while you yet have time to decide."

"And what the hell do you mean by 'daughter?'" Asuka demanded to know, now unable to restrain herself from voicing the question that had been on both her and Ukyou's mind since their arrival at the Cat Cafe. "How can you POSSIBLY be Ranma's mother when she's only sixteen, and you must be at LEAST two hundred yea..." she cut off abruptly as Cologne whacked her on the head with her staff. "ITTE!" she hissed, glaring daggers (so to speak) at the withered troll.

And then the withered old troll became Shampoo. There was no perceptible shift from one form to another – one moment she was a withered old mummy, the next, a bouncy purple-haired amazon.

"What the hell?" yelled Asuka. Ranma's eyes widened, and Ukyou stared in shock.

Shampoo frowned from where she was watching the goings on. "Shampoo hate when great-grandmother do that," she muttered as she retrieved a can of yebisu from the fridge. Once retrieved, the beer was promptly chugged.

A moment later, Cologne took on Asuka's form, and then Ukyou's, and then to the form of a red-headed, extremely formal middle-aged Japanese woman. And then she was Ranma. And then she was a withered old troll once more. "What is a body to one such as me, children?" she asked, poking each of them in turn with her staff. "A toy. A bit of dust and clay to shape however I will. It so happens that I'm **FOND** of this shape."

The three girls stared at Cologne, unable to believe what they had just seen, and for the first time in her life, Asuka found herself at a loss for words.

"What are you?" Ukyou asked, her expression a mixture of horror and wonder.

Cologne smiled. "I'm Ranma's mother."

---------------

"Are we agreed, then?" asked Artemis.

Luna nodded. "We can't let Ranma regain her male form."

Artemis blinked. "Were you even listening? No, we have to HELP Ranma regain her male form! Otherwise she'll hate us forever!"

Luna frowned. "What about the fact that when she regains her memories from the Silver Millenium, she'll expect and desire to be female?"

"What about the fact that as long as we're not welcome in Ranma's home, we can't enjoy Kasumi's cooking?"

Luna nodded thoughtfully. "I hadn't considered that..."

---------------

Some time later, with her decision made, Ranma began the longest walk of her life, and alone. Well, the walk to China was longer, but part of that was spent swimming, so I don't really think it counts. Besides, it's a metaphor. If I tell you my heart is breaking, do you think I mean it literally? In any case, the walk home was hard for her. She knew that when she got home, she had to face the Tendos. She had to tell them that Akane had been kidnapped. And that she, Ranma Saotome, had failed to protect her fiancee.

It was with a heavy heart that she opened the gate to the Tendo home and strode across the leaf-speckled yard. Kasumi was the only one who noticed her arrival. "Welcome back, Ranma-kun!" she called cheerfully. Ranma winced.

"Kasumi..." Ranma began, and then trailed off.

"Nani?"

Ranma grimaced. Best to get it over with. "Could you call everyone down here? I gotta tell ya somethin."

"Oh my. Certainly, Ranma. I'll be right back."

A few minutes later, the whole of the Tendo household was gathered around the increasingly uncomfortable pig-tailed girl.

"Well, son," said Soun, "Kasumi tells me you have something to tell us?"

Ranma nodded. "Yeah..."

There was a long silence, and in the silence, tension stretched out like the edge of a knife.

"Spit it out, Saotome," said Nabiki.

"... Akane's been kidnapped by demons."

Another long silence hung heavily in the air, until...

"Again?" asked Kasumi.

Soun began sobbing. "Oh, my poor little girl! Kidnapped by demons! Stolen away before she even had a chance to live! Now the schools will never be joined!"

Genma made some remarks that would, no doubt, have been along the lines of 'I have failed, what did I do to deserve such an ungrateful son who allows his fiancee to be kidnapped by demons? Oh the shame,' had he not been a panda at the time. What actually came out was more along the lines of, "Growf. Grooooowrf. Growf growrf."

Ranma facefaulted. "Again?" he exclaimed. "Whaddya you mean, 'again?'"

Nabiki shrugged. "Happens all the time. She'll probably be back tomorrow. By the end of the week at the latest."

"What?"

Kasumi smiled. "You had us very worried there for a moment, Ranma-kun. For a moment I thought it was something serious." She glanced at Nabiki. "Do you remember the time she was kidnapped by Overfiend-chan?"

Nabiki smirked. "How could I forget? It took her nearly a month to get the ichor-stains off of mallet-sama. I didn't think there were perverted sex-demons stupid enough to go after a school-girl these days. My own little sister saving the world, heh." (1)

"WHAT?"

---- MEANWHILE ----

"Ah, ah, aaaah! Beryl-chan! Onegai! Ikitai! Ikitai yo!"

The Queen's laughter echoed out from her bed-chambers. So did the crack of a whip. Not for the first (and most certainly not for the last) time, the Dark Kingdom courtiers wished that the Queen would sound-proof her room.

Roseite, on the other hand, didn't seem bothered by the noise in the slightest. In a shimmer of Sakura petals, a dark-haired young man with a manic look in his eyes appeared at her side.

"And how goes the war today, my twisted sister?" asked Blue-Thunderite.

Roseite laughed. "OOOOHOHOHOHOHOHOHO!"

Everyone cringed.

"The war goes well, brother-dear. Even as we speak, the Queen is binding Endymion to our cause."

Blue-Thunderite nodded. "That would indeed explain why the vermin have migrated from the palace again. Verily, she does prefer the rose distilled. Still, it will be good to see Endymion again. Who is he in this life?"

Roseite smiled, though there was no kindness in it. "Why, Akane Tendo, brother-dear."

Blue-Thunderite's eyes widened. "Akane Tendo! So pure and tidy! And With such ferocity! Truely a tigress amongst kittens!" He went on, but Roseite tuned him out. When you planned to live in the Dark Kingdom for any period of time, it was a useful skill to have.

--------------------------------

The only noise was the wind as it whispered through the redwoods. Beams of light and shifting shadows undulated in time to the swaying branches. The smell of life filled the air, and growing thick upon the ground was ferns, sorrel, and red-speckled leaves of three. Silence lay heavily upon the forest; a living silence, and full of sound. In the distance, the shady brook sang the ancient song of water over stones.

A young girl suddenly gasped for breath. She inhaled in quick, frantic gulps, like one who, after having been held under water almost to the point of drowning, suddenly finds herself on the shore and gloriously alive and sobbing with relief. She opened her wild purple eyes and sat up. She had been lying in a bed of leaves at the base of a particularly large redwood tree, and they crackled when she changed position. At first, the world was a confused blur of unfamiliar sounds and colours. After a few moments, it resolved into something that she could make sense of. Glancing about, the dark-haired girl wondered aloud, "Where am I?"

A voice spoke out from close at hand, soft but very clear. "Everyone! She's awake!" The voice was followed by the sound of approaching footsteps. More than one set of footsteps, at that. After a few seconds of anxious waiting, the girl was relieved at the sight of three other girls, each of them a few years older than she was. The first had blue eyes, long blonde hair, and was wearing a simple sundress. The second was a brunette with green eyes, clad in a white blouse and blue skirt combo that looked like it had seen better days. The third had short blue hair, blue eyes, and was wearing an off-white shirt and a pair of blue shorts. Although she wasn't sure how exactly, the dark-haired girl knew that she was safe with these three.

"Where are we?" she asked.

The blue-haired girl was the one who responded. "We're not entirely certain. It bears some resemblance to pictures of the redwood forests on the west coast of the United States, but I..." The blonde girl interrupted her at this point. "What she means is that she has no idea where we are." The blue-haired girl shrugged and glanced upwards. The dark-haired girl followed her gaze. Her eyes widened. There were two moons in the sky, one white, the other so dark as to be barely perceptible against the black of space. _Nemesis._

After several long moments of silence, the dark-haired girl spoke again. "Who are all of you? I feel like I know you..."

The brunette smiled, and though her stature was somewhat imposing, she had gentle eyes. "I'm Kino Makoto," she said. The blonde chimed in next, "Aino Minako!" "Mizuno Ami," said the blue-haired girl.

The dark-haired girl smiled. "I'm..." she paused suddenly as a violent flood of memories surged into her mind. "I'm..." (_Saturn.)_ She shook her head, trying to clear it, and as she did so, she saw herself. Her life. Her... (_Bringer of death.) _Flickering at the edges of her peripheral vision, she thought she saw a terrible glaive with the doom of the world upon its edge. She saw herself, sad and alone. (_Chinmoku no Messiah.) _She saw her friends, the other Princesses of the solar system. She saw the distance they had to maintain from her because of their position and hers. (_The soldier of ruin.) _Beryl. The fall of the Moon Kingdom unfolded before her eyes. The seven shadows. Metallia. She saw her own death. (_Death... Reborn... Revolution...) _And her birth. Her father. Her second death. But... how...? She suddenly realized that the other three were looking at her with great concern. She waved away their concerns. "I'm Tomoe Hotaru."

The other three smiled. A gentle rain of redwood leaves descended from above, jarred loose by the sudden movement of some scurrying animal. A bird chirped in the distance.

Hotaru shook her head. "This can't be right. I remember..."

Ami's expression didn't change. Makoto flinched.

Minako nodded, her smile fading somewhat. "We all do," she said. "Twice, even."

"Why are we here?"

Minako shrugged. "Who knows? We were dead. Now we're alive. Maybe we've been given a second chance."

"Don't you mean third chance?" asked Ami.

"Whatever."

Hotaru's smile returned then, and at full force. She knew who these girls were now. Indeed, she now wondered how she could have failed to recognize them before. She glomped the lot of them, laughing aloud as she did so. "Jupiter! Mercury! Venus!"

Makoto gently ruffled Hotaru's hair. "Welcome back, Lady Saturn."

----------------

--- At Sailor Pluto's home in Asgaard... ---

Shadows crawled across the room as the Thing Which Man Was Not Meant To Know and Meioh Setsuna rutted like ... actually, now that I think of it, I don't think there are words in the English language to describe such a thing. It's best not to think about it, I suppose. In any case, they were getting it on.

"OH, LHU-CHAN!" she cried. Cthulhu would have grinned if he'd had a mouth instead of a mass of writhing tentacles (no, not THAT kind of tentacle you pervert!) in the same approximate region. "Yes! Aaaah! AAAAAAH..."

And that was when Meioh Setsuna broke.

Cthulhu blinked. In his horribly misshapen arms, his lover's legs had fallen off. **OOPS,** thought the nightmarish creature, projecting its thoughts aloud. It looked closely at her hip sockets, and again, if it had had a mouth instead of a mass of writhing tentacles, it would have frowned. Cthulhu didn't remember goddesses having metallic skeletons (it'd eaten enough to know, after all). Or wires running through their hip sockets. Or mechanical joints. Or... wait a minute...

It came to 'It' in a flash of sudden, horrible realization: this was some kind of android that It been sleeping with. **WHAT IS THE MEANING OF THIS?** it roared telepathically.

---**FLASHBACK**---

Setsuna stood at the door to her bedroom. She had just invited Cthulhu home for the first time, and she was drunk off her ass. Just as she was reaching for the door, she appeared before herself in a flash of light. Yes, you heard that correctly. Setsuna appeared before Setsuna in a flash of light. The other her was clad in a black business suit, white shirt, black tie, and wore a pair of rayban sunglasses. Despite the inherent impossibility of a business suit that flattered a woman's figure, somehow, this one managed to do just that.

She stared at herself for a long moment.

Yeah, she looked pretty good.

The moment passed. "Whatrrre youu doooing heeere?" she slurred drunkenly.

The other Setsuna - Future-Setsuna - smiled. "I'm going to prevent you from making the biggest mistake of your life," she said as she held up a curious silver pen. She pressed a small button on the back of the pen, and it emitted a brilliant flash of light.

Future-Setsuna's smile widened. "Alright Setsuna. I can't have you remembering this, as if you do, Cthulhu will read it in your mind. I was never here. You slept with Cthulhu, and continued to sleep with it for several weeks. When the time comes, your memory will return to you."

Past-Setsuna nodded lazily, her eyes unfocused, staring at nothing. Future-Setsuna nodded in a satisfied manner. She snapped her fingers, and in a flash, a third Setsuna appeared. Serial number 29341G, Model 33-S, designation: Setsuna. Future-Setsuna took hold of Past-Setsuna, and the two of them vanished. A sultry smile spread across the 33-S's face as she opened the door to the bedroom where Cthulhu was waiting, stepped within, and shut the door behind her.

--- **END FLASHBACK** ---

Cthulhu cast the sexaroid's broken body off of the bed as it rose up to its full, terrible height. **SETSUNA,** it roared, and the resonance of its telepathic call shook the building to its very foundations.

Meioh Setsuna, daughter of Chronos, stepped out of the shadows. "Party's over, Lhu-chan."

Cthulhu reared back, and then thrust its great misshapen arms forward towards her. They burst into a mass of writhing tentacles, each with the gripping strength of a giant anaconda.

Setsuna checked her watch.

On they flew, crossing the distance between them in the blink of an eye. And yet, when they reached the place where she had stood, they met only the empty air. "Over here," she called, now from the opposite side of the room. Cthulhu whirled around, bellowing its rage. The walls began to crack, and plaster rained down from the ceiling.

"Three... two... one..."

And that was when the temporal portal opened. "Goodbye, Lhu-chan," said Setsuna.

A terrible blast of infernal flame poured out from the portal – a portal opened directly to the innards of a giant Sloar. The dying screams of hundreds of Shubs and Zhuuls came floating through the portal along with the blast of flame. The Great Cthulhu ROARED in pain as the devouring flame tore through its misshapen body. There was a tremendous crack like thunder. The portal closed, and as its light faded, it could be seen that no sign remained of the Great Cthulhu. The broken 33-S was gone, and the bed had vanished completely.

Setsuna smiled mysteriously as she left her apartment, shutting the door behind her.

Toltiir looked up. "Is it done?" he asked.

"It's done," she replied, "And now that It is no longer interfering in the time-line, we can get down to business..."

---------------

"Old Ghoul, gimme that map!" Ranma yelled as she burst into the Cat Cafe. The dinner rush was well under way, and though the place was insanely crowded, her voice still rang out clearly over the din.

Cologne pogoed out to meet her 'daughter,' leaving Shampoo and Mousse to handle the restaurant for a few minutes. "Hmm? I thought you had decided to rescue your fiancée."

"Yeah, well that was before I found out that her getting kidnapped by demons was a 'happens every week' kinda thing. Are you gonna give me the map or not?"

"My apologies, daughter, but the map is no longer in my possession. You recall the group of rowdy visitors that I mentioned?"

Ranma blinked. "Yeah, I remember somethin' about that."

Cologne gestured towards a position directly behind Ranma. "They're here."

Ranma turned around, and came face-to-breasts with a ... she looked up. Oh, right. Ok, face-to-face now, and with a drop-dead gorgeous platinum-blonde woman. A woman clad in vaguely ceremonial clothing that bore more than a slight resemblance to armor. A long, flowing, off-white cape, flowing hair, pointed ears, slitted, blood red eyes. But perhaps the most noticeable feature (especially as far as Ranma was concerned) was the damn well near palpable aura of power around her. Whoever this woman was, she RADIATED power in a way that made Ranma dizzy even thinking about it. She held the map in her left hand, and her eye was twitching with annoyance.

Face to face with Herb, 'Prince' of the Musk, Ranma said about the only thing she could have in that situation.

"Shit."

An expression of distaste crossed Herb's face as the two stood there, each taking the measure of the other.

That was one Mint spoke up. "She has boobies!" he cried, staring slack jawed at Ranma's chest.

Lime stepped into the restaurant from where he had been waiting outside. "Where? I want to see the boobies too!"

Dead silence fell over the crowded restaurant as every eye in the establishment turned towards Herb, her retainers, and Ranma.

Crickets chirped in the distance.

Herb's eye continued to twitch.

Heedless to his own danger, Mint went on, now speaking directly to Ranma-chan. "You're a woman-person, right, onee-chan? This is the first time I've ever interacted with a woman-person! You have very nice breasts. Can I feel them?"

Lime voiced his agreement: "Me too! He can't feel them unless I get to!"

Ranma's battle aura flickered into being as she turned her baleful, blood red gaze upon the two hormonally imbalanced males. "No," she replied, making no effort to conceal the outrage that she felt at such a suggestion, "You can NOT!" And at the word 'not,' a terrific gust of wind surged out from her, blasting the two beastmen into the far wall of the Neko-hanten.

Herb glanced at Ranma's forehead. Her eyes narrowed. "That sigil..." she whispered.

An expression of weary resignation settled over Cologne's features. Quickly, she pogoed out of the room. The crowd of diners wasted no time in making their own departure. This was Nerima, and despite the fact that most of them were also accomplished martial artists (even if their fighting styles were along the lines of martial arts origami), they had no desire to be in the way of these two if things continued in the direction that they seemed to be going.

"Alright, whoever you are," said Ranma, thoroughly annoyed with these 'unruly visitors.' "Hand over the map and I won't have ta hurt ya."

Herb's eyes narrowed further. "The map is mine by right. Stand aside, woman. I don't have time to waste on such worthless business."

That went over well. Yeah. "Kusoyaro!" Ranma yelled as he leaped to attack the Chinese princess. Herb caught the pig-tailed girl's fist in the palm of her hand. Ranma's eyes widened, both in surprise and in pain as Herb slowly began to crush her fist. Several loud, sickening pops echoed through the building. The pig-tailed girl's eyes flared as she projected her AT field outward. Within those undying red eyes, whirling arcane patterns seemed to form. Herb was hurled backwards as the peculiar barrier snapped into being around Ranma's body. The dragon-child's feet never left the ground, however, and in their wake, they left deep gouges in the floorboards. She came to a halt some ten feet distant from Ranma's glowing form, licked her lips, and smiled.

"Had enough?" Ranma asked, feeling smugly superior after that display of power (and trying to ignore the throbbing pain of her broken hand). "Give up the map, and I'll let ya go."

Herb held up her hand, palm facing towards Ranma. She spoke not a word. And no words were necessary, for the will was more than enough. An intense blast of pure ki lanced out from her outstretched hand. As it met Ranma's shield, the shield flared violently, sending off a spectacular shower of sparks. Ranma gritted her teeth as she poured her concentration into maintaining the barrier.

It wasn't enough.

The AT-field failed: the blast struck Ranma full in the face, and carried her some fifty feet backwards (and through the back wall of the nekohanten). Her smoking form came to rest in a pile of trashcans behind the restaurant.

Some time later, Ranma woke to the altogether unpleasant sensation of having her broken left hand repeatedly poked by an ancient staff.

"GYAAAA! THAT HURTS!" she yelled, clutching her hand protectively and sitting up as quickly as she could manage. Garbage was strewn across the ground, and she was in serious need of a bath. The source of the poking, of course, was Cologne, who was now looking down on her with an interested expression.

"That was very foolish, daughter."

Ranma grimaced as she sat up, using her unbroken hand to brush some bits of trash out of her hair. "Yeah, who asked you, old ghoul?"

And for once, Cologne DIDN'T bop him over the head. Instead, she smiled. "You haven't changed," she said fondly. "Still the same stubborn, foolhardy, headstrong girl I remember. Even after spending the first sixteen years of this life as a boy."

Ranma's eyes widened. This was the first time that Cologne had acknowledged HIM as anything other than 'daughter,' even if she did call her a headstrong girl first. Cologne took Ranma's broken hand between her own withered hands. The healing itch flooded through her hand, and she watched in disbelief as the fracture set itself and then was knit back together by some unseen force.

There was a long silence. Ranma stared at Cologne, and Cologne seemed content to let her stare. The pig-tailed girl opened her mouth several times as if to speak before shutting it again. Yet eventually, she could not stop herself from asking: "... Are you really my mother?"

Cologne smiled, and for an instant, she was a middle-aged, redheaded Japanese woman... but only for an instant. "I've had many names, daughter. Ask your father about a woman named Nodoka." At that, the kindly expression on her face melted away as if it had never been there, replaced once more by the calculated expression that Ranma was more used to. "Don't rely too heavily on your Sister's power, daughter. Learn to use your own."

And with that, the old troll turned and pogoed away, leaving Ranma there in the alley, sitting in a pile of overturned garbage, staring in open-mouthed wonder.

---------------

"Any luck yet, Ami-chan?"

Ami shook her head as she continued to watch the display of her mini-computer. She, Hotaru, Makoto and Minako were sitting by the shady brook that ran through the heart of the redwood forest, and she had been scanning for signs of civilization for nearly an hour now with no luck. No settlements within a hundred miles of their position. She had adjusted the search to expand the radius to include the whole of the world, but it wasn't looking good. Even if she found a settlement, at this point, it would be too far away to do them even the slightest bit of good.

Setting her mini-computer down on a nearby rock and leaving it to continue its scan, Ami took a mental stock of their situation. While the water in the brook was drinkable, they had no food and no shelter. The only other articles of clothing that they had access to was their sailor fukus. Although it was only hours since their initial awakening in these woods, their situation was not looking good. She shook her head. It was no good dwelling on THAT. 'Not when there are three MUCH more pleasant things to dwell on...' Ami blinked, her cheeks heating in an intense blush. Where had THAT thought come from?

Makoto sat down on a fallen log, some two feet distant from the edge of the brook. "So..." she said, "Anyone got any idea what's going on yet?"

After taking a moment to regain her composure, Ami turned towards the others. Once, she never would have imagined that she might have to lead the group. Now... she swallowed her nervousness and spoke. "I have a working hypothesis, but nothing concrete. Based on the strange fluctuations in space-time that the Mercury computer has picked up while searching for settlements, I believe that something's gone wrong with the time-gate. It would explain our overlapping, contradictory memories. And Pluto's intervention would also explain how we got here and why."

"Very astute, Mercury," came a voice from behind the four. There, standing some ten feet away, was Meioh Setsuna. How she had gotten there and when was anyone's guess.

"Setsuna-san!"

"Setsuna-mama!" cried Hotaru as she ran to embrace the green-haired woman.

Setsuna smiled and returned the embrace. "I'm very glad to see that you're well, Hotaru-chan," she said. Her smile faded as she went on, "but the happy reunion will have to wait. We are all in great danger. Through the interference of a malevolent outside entity, the timeline has become badly corrupted."

"Corrupted?" Ami asked, her curiosity plain to see. When Setsuna dropped the mysterious act and spoke plainly, it meant you were in serious trouble.

The time-guardian nodded. "What is, was, and will be has been changed, and a new timeline created in the place of the old."

"In this timeline, the four of you are dead, and long before you ever had the chance to become Senshi. I have corrected this, and restored you to the state that you should be in. This includes your memories. Don't be alarmed if you notice memories that seem to contradict each other. Both are true." She paused for breath. "Unfortunately, the new timeline is highly unstable. Without direct and drastic intervention, there is now a 99 chance of the universe being destroyed within the next month."

The three inner senshi gasped in horror, while Hotaru's expression was more along the lines of 'mildly put out.' After a moment, Hotaru's expression changed to genuine concern. "What about Haruka-papa and Michiru-mama? Why aren't they here with us?"

Minako nodded her agreement. "And what about Usagi-chan, Rei-chan, Chibi-Usa and Mamoru-kun?"

Setsuna sighed. "I don't know what happened to Usagi. So far, I have seen no sign of her at all. Chibi-Usa is dead, and even I cannot bring her back from paradox. The only way of returning her to life is to correct the timeline. The others... the others are alive, but ... changed, both mentally and physically. They may not remember any of you."

There was silence for a long moment as the four senshi digested this information. They exchanged glances, and it was Ami who finally spoke.

"What do you need us to do?"

---------------

Humming quietly to herself, Kasumi Tendo cleaned. It was hard work, this assignment, and she disliked being away from home for such an extended period of time. Especially when she knew that Keiichi was waiting for her... but he understood the importance of this mission. Skuld was a bit less understanding, but even she wouldn't disobey the direct order that she'd been given by Kami-sama not to visit her sister until the events had taken their course.

So she cleaned. And hummed. And radiated tranquility in a typically Kasumi-like manner. It would be time to start dinner soon, but she didn't need to worry about that just yet. With Akane's kidnapping, much of the stress had vanished from the life of the undercover Goddess. No more cooking attempts. No more need of divine intervention to keep her family alive. As much as she felt guilty for thinking so, the periodic kidnappings of the youngest Tendo daughter amounted more or less to vacations for her. No stress. No worrying. No...

Ranma came bounding in through the front door, the wind of her passage knocking over most of the furniture, and coating the entire room with a generous amount of dust.

Kasumi's eye ALMOST twitched.

Well...

**Almost** no stress.

---------------

"Yo oyaji!"

Genma looked up from the game of shogi that he had been playing. Soun took the opportunity to quickly rearrange the pieces on the board. His son-turned-daughter stood some short distance away. A handful of sakura petals drifted by on the wind, gently coming to a rest on the surface of the koi pond. As the slight ripples of their landing spread across the pond, Genma frowned. "What is it, boy?"

A doubtful look flashed across Ranma's face for a moment, and she remained silent a moment. Genma quickly grew impatient. "Spit it out, boy."

The pig-tailed girl's doubtful look vanished. "Do you know some lady named Nodoka?"

Well, wasn't that interesting. At the mere MENTION of the name, Genma's eyes widened in terror, and his skin turned positively WHITE. "Wh... where did you hear that name?"

"It don't matter. So do ya know her?"

He began to sweat. He glanced at Soun, but Soun was no help.

Ranma's eyes narrowed. "So you DO know her. Who's Nodoka, oyaji?"

"No...Nodoka is..." He looked frantically around, trying to find some way to distract the boy from this line of questioning. No dice. "Nodoka is your mother, boy. But don't let that fool you! If she were to see you as you are now...!"

Soun nodded his sage agreement, doing his best to appear wise and knowing. "Saotome speaks truly. Long has the dreaded Nodoka Saotome been shrouded in secrecy, but at last we divulge her TRUE horror! Legends speak of a terrible woman with hair like fire, striding across the land like a goddess with sword in hand. They say the only thing more terrible and pitiless than her gaze is the edge of her sword."

Ranma stood there a moment, totally nonplused. "What the HELL are you two talkin' about?"

Genma shook his head gravely. "Boy, you'll be happier not knowing. If she were to see you as you are now... oh it breaks a father's heart! To see my one and only son transformed into a weak and helpless girl! Condemned to commit seppuku should he ever encounter his mother!"

Ranma's eye began to twitch. "Helpless, am I..." she trailed off, her blood red eyes widening in a lock of shock. "Wait a minute, SEPPUKU?"

Genma nodded sagely. "You signed the contract with your own hand. You agreed that if you weren't a man amongst men when your training journey was over, you would commit seppuku."

**-FLASHBACK-**

"Ranma-kun!" Genma called, producing the seppuku contract. "You like finger painting, right?"

"Yes, daddy!"

"Good. Come finger-paint on this piece of paper."

"Haaaai!"

**-END FLASHBACK-**

"Where are you going, boy?"

Ranma didn't bother looking back as she rushed upstairs to pack his things. A few minutes later she was walking out the door, clad in a fresh set of clothes and with an enormous pack on her back. "Kasumi! I'm going on a training trip to reclaim my manhood. I'll rescue Akane if I see her."

"Hai, Ranma-kun!" came Kasumi's cheerful reply.

And with that, Ranma left the Tendo home behind her. She didn't get very far before she was met by Ukyou, Asuka, and the two mooncats.

Ukyou smiled, folding her arms as she leaned against a lamppost. "Did you really think we'd let you go without us, Ranchan?"

Ranma blinked in surprise. "You guys..."

Asuka smirked. "Cologne told us what happened at the Neko-hanten. So, do you even have the slightest idea of where to begin looking, wonder-girl?"

Ranma sweatdropped.

"That's what I thought. As it happens, Luna and Artemis can lead us to the Kaisuifu."

"You're kiddin', right?"

Ukyou shook her head. "No joke, Ranchan. They know where it is. And if we can get there before Herb and the others..."

Ranma's expression visibly brightened. "I can become a guy again, and I won't have to kick Herb's ass to do it!" The others rolled their eyes.

As the group began its journey, Luna and Artemis exchanged glances. Although they didn't speak anything aloud, both knew the thought that was passing through the mind of the other: 'Kaisuifu, at the resting place of Sailor01.'

END EPISODE 10

------------------------------

Comments? Criticisms? Do you like it? Love it? Hate it? Let me know!

Let's keep it civil, please. Flames will be laughed at. MSTies will

also be laughed at, but in an entirely different manner than flames. EPISODE 10

--------------------------------------

1 – I've always wondered about this. Hentai anime is full of evil perverted monsters, yes? Ranma is filled with mallet-wielding school-girls with the power to unerringly smash perverts into low earth orbit without even breaking a sweat. Therefore, tentacle demons perverts valid targets for mallet-sama completely and utterly doomed. Deep thoughts from P.H. Wise. ;P

Comments? Criticisms? Do you like it? Love it? Hate it? Let me know! Let's keep it civil, please. Flames will be laughed at. MSTies will also be laughed at, but in an entirely different manner than flames. 8)


	12. True Colours, Part II

Disclaimer: Sailor Moon is the property of Takeuichi Naoko. Ranma belongs to Takahashi Rumiko. Evangelion belongs to Gainax. The Bet concept and the accompanying cast and background of Mimir's Well belong to Metroanime.

--------------------------------

"Why didn't we take the bus?" Asuka asked. Her face was red, and she was breathing hard. The group was now three days into their journey. The land around them had grown rocky and barren save for the occasional patch of grass and a few forlorn trees growing here and there. The mountain was forest-crowned, but they were at present only at its skirt. The forest's border was about a mile ahead of them, and in the deepening twilight, they could just make out the first tree-shadows in the distance.

"Well?"

"Training," Ranma replied.

Asuka glared at the pig-tailed girl.

Luna and Artemis had become exhausted long ago. Artemis was sprawled out on Ukyou's shoulder, and Luna on Asuka's. Asuka grimaced as she forced her legs to keep moving. Ranma and Ukyou continued onward, neither one of them so much as sweating after a long day of traveling across a difficult countryside.

It was a short time later, at the very border of the woods, that Asuka collapsed. Luna's startled squawk drew the attention of the others, who turned back in alarm, thinking perhaps that they were being attacked. Ranma looked at the fallen red-head, her expression unreadable. "... I'm fine," Asuka said, gritting her teeth as she struggled to rise.

Ranma and Ukyou exchanged glances.

Asuka became aware of a hand on her shoulder. She looked up. Ukyou.

"You should have said something earlier, sugar. You're not in as good of physical condition as either Ranma or I. You shouldn't expect to be able to match our pace."

Stubbornly, Asuka insisted that she was fine, and once more struggled to rise. Ukyou's eyes softened at that. "... I think I'm getting tired. Hey Ranchan, do you think you can find a good place to camp around here?"

Ranma started, seemingly surprised by Ukyou's request. "Er... sure." In short order, a suitable site was located. As they began setting up camp for the evening, Asuka glanced towards Ukyou. Although it didn't show in her expression, there was gratitude in her eyes.

--------------------------------------------------

Ranma 1/2: WHY SAILOR PLUTO HATES THE BET  
A Ranma crossover fanfic  
by P.H. Wise

Episode 11: True Colours, Part II

--------------------------------------------------

Come, let us go, you and I. The evening hangs beneath the sky like a corpse etherized upon a table (1). ... On second thought, let's try that again.

The moon hung low in the sky, bathing both land and clouded sky in silvery light. Asuka and the moon-cats lay asleep in the tent that had been hastily erected at the edge of the woods, while Ranma and Ukyou sat together on a rocky outcropping that overlooked the land below.

They sat in silence for a long time, neither wanting to break the spell of the moonlit night. A faint breeze rustled through the leaves of the forest behind them, carrying with it the smell of life and of growing things. ... In the end, it was Ranma who spoke. "Hey Ucchan," she began. Ukyou stirred at her side, turning to look at the albino pig-tailed girl. "Mmm?"

"After training so long ta get revenge, why'd ya give it up just like that?"

Ukyou blushed. "Well..." she paused a long moment. Ranma looked at her expectantly, and at length, she continued. "The one I wanted revenge against was Genma. You were my best friend, Ranchan. All I ever really wanted from **you** was to know 'why.'"

Silence hung between the two for a few moments before Ukyou continued. "I'm glad that part of my life is over. Having your father decide that you now have to play the part of a son isn't much fun."

Ranma grimaced. "How would you have liked a Jusenkyou curse, then?"

Ukyou gave Ranma a sidelong glance. "It really bothers you that much?" she asked.

Ranma's grimace only deepened. "I'm a guy, now and forever. I'll never be a girl."

Ukyou quirked an eyebrow. "You look pretty female from where I'm sitting, Ranchan."

Ranma's expression darkened. "I'm a GUY, Ucchan. Didn't you just say how it ain't fun to have your pop decide that you're male all the sudden? How do you think I feel with being stuck as a girl?"

"Don't be a fool, Ranchan."

"A fool?" anger was now plainly evident in Ranma's voice and expression. "I'm stuck with some damn gender changing curse, and you call me a fool for worrying about it? What if I start liking frilly crap or shopping or boys or somethin' like that?"

Ukyou's expression hardened. "Look at yourself, Ranchan. Are you a guy or a girl?"

Ranma clenched her fist, her pale features now flushed red with anger and frustration. "I'm a GUY."

Ukyou whapped her upside the head.

"What was that for?"

She shook her head. "Look at yourself. Maybe it won't be once we get the kaisuifuu, but right now, your body is 100 female. You. Are. A. Girl."

Ranma shut her eyes, turning away from Ukyou. She knew that she couldn't deny what Ukyou was saying, but that didn't mean she had to like it. "No way am I gonna start actin' all girly."

"Who are you?"

"Huh?"

"Who are you?"

"What do you mean, 'who am I?' I'm Ranma Saotome!"

"Damn straight."

Ranma frowned, trying to figure out what exactly Ukyou was getting at. Another silence fell between them as Ukyou turned to look directly into Ranma's crimson eyes. "Does Ranma Saotome like 'frilly crap?'" she asked.

Ranma shook her head, snorting derisively.

"Does Ranma Saotome like shopping?"

Again, Ranma shook her head. "No."

"Is Ranma Saotome attracted to guys?"

"Of course not!"

A satisfied smile flashed across Ukyou's face. "You," she said, "Are Ranma Saotome. So whether your body happens to be male or female, BE Ranma Saotome."

Ranma stared at Ukyou, finding herself at a loss for words. "Ucchan..." she managed after a moment.

"I haven't seen the male Ranma in a very long time," said Ukyou, leaning in so close to the other girl that their lips almost touched. "But I really like the female one."

And that was when she kissed the pig-tailed girl.

Ranma's eyes widened in shock. She felt the urge to kiss back, and not a second after she acted on it, Ukyou broke the kiss and stood up. Smiling coyly, the okonomiyaki chef turned and walked back to the camp, leaving a stunned Onna-Ranma in her wake.

--------------

Queen Beryl peered into her crystal ball, her hands steepled carefully in front of her mouth so as to save on the cost of animation. Akane (AKA Endymion), now clad in a VERY flattering set of armor that bore no small resemblance to a plate-mail bikini, lounged in the dark queen's lap. In between exchanging kisses and heavy petting with her brain-washed boy... er... girltoy, Beryl managed to give a few orders.

"Roseite! Blue Thunderite! I command you to appear before me!"

The two generals appeared before their Queen's throne, the one in a swirl of red rose petals, the other in a swirl of black. "What does the Dark Queen command?" asked Roseite, doing her best to prevent her brother from doing something stupid... like speaking aloud.

Beryl gestured towards the image displayed within the crystal ball, which showed the progress that Ranma and company had made up the mountainside. "I have learned that the unawakened Senshi called Ranma Saotome is on her way to retrieve an ancient weapon of the Silver Millennium. We cannot allow such a powerful weapon to fall into her hands. I command you to go forth and destroy the Sailor Suited Evangelion unit before it can be retrieved."

Roseite bowed low, and Blue Thunderite brandished his boken. Lightning flashed somewhere behind him, reducing an unfortunate youma courtier to a pile of ash. "To prove my love for the peerless Queen Beryl..." and that was as far as he got before Roseite jabbed him in the ribs with her elbow.

Endymion stirred in Queen Beryl's lap. "Beryl-chan," she said huskily, "If it's so important that this Sailor01 be destroyed, I think I'll go along as well, to ensure that these two meet with success."

Beryl nodded her approval, though she was privately a bit disappointed to see her personal girltoy depart. A moment later, Endymion, Roseite, and Blue Thunderite vanished in their respective swirls of flowery matter.

----------------------

-- A FEW DAYS LATER --

----------------------

Onna-Herb was alone in the steaming hot spring, stretched out on her back and allowing the water to carry her. This was one of the very rare times in which she could allow herself to relax completely, and she was enjoying every moment of it. The dragon-princess' enjoyment of the moment would probably have been lessened had she been aware that one of her retainers was peeping on her.

Hiding behind a small tree that grew in the courtyard around the spring, Mint watched the nude (and very female) figure of his master. 'Herb-sama is so regally beautiful,' he thought, staring with wide-eyes. Herb's discarded clothing was close at hand – some three feet distant from Mint's position. So engrossed was the beast-man in his peeping that he failed to notice the presence creeping up behind him. One sharp blow to the head later, Mint was sleeping like a baby, albeit a baby with a bleeding head. ... On second thought, maybe he wasn't sleeping like a baby at all.

Ranma was careful to lower the now-unconscious beast-man to the ground without making a sound. Once that was accomplished, she peered into the hot spring at the bathing Herb, grinned, and then quickly scooped up the dragon-spawn's clothing and tossed it up to Ukyou, who was standing on the wall of the courtyard, who in turn tossed it over the wall. "Finally found you you bastard," whispered Ranma. She and Ukyou exchanged glances. They each nodded, and with that, leaped into battle.

Ukyou hurled a half-dozen throwing spatulas at the unsuspecting dragon-princess even as Ranma leaped up into the air to deliver an AT-field enhanced jump-kick. But Herb was no mere thug to be taken out so easily. The faint whistle of the spatulas moving through the air gave her all the warning she needed. The statuesque platinum-blonde shifted her weight ever so slightly to avoid the spatulas (and to make it look EASY), and then quickly gathered her chi so as to blast the approaching albino pig-tailed girl into tiny particles.

And then, in mid-flight, Ranma pulled up her own shirt and flashed the dragon-spawn. Herb's eyes widened in shock, and one of the veins on her forehead began to throb. The chi she was gathering dissipated... and then Ranma's enhanced kick struck home. Herb went FLYING backwards, out of the spring and clear through the wall of the resort, her passage carving a long trench in the ground and throwing up a tremendous dust-cloud.

"Not bad Ranchan, but why'd you flash her?"

Ranma smirked confidently. "She's looking for the Kaisuifuu, right? An artifact that can unlock locked curses? So I'm betting she's probably a Jusenkyou victim..."

Ukyou raised an eyebrow. "Well, I'm impressed."

Ranma's confident smirk widened into a full blown grin. "What else would ya expect from the best?"

And that was when Herb blasted them both. The flaming ball of chi unleashed by the dragon-prince detonated violently directly between the two martial artists, sending them both tumbling in opposite directions. Completely naked, the Neo-Princess of the Musk literally GLOWED with power. "You'd be well advised to pay more attention to your opponent, woman," she hissed.

Clambering to her feet, Ranma quickly pulled off her shirt and thrust her chest forward into Herb's field of view. The Musk Princess' eyes widened at the sight of Ranma's ample bosom, and she quickly looked away. Quite satisfied with her excellent (as she saw it) use of psychological warfare, Ranma gathered heavy ki around herself, made visible as a sickly green aura. With the cry of, "SHISHI HOKODAN...!"

Absolutely nothing happened.

Ranma's aura fizzled and went out. She stared at her hands in shock. 'Of all the times for it not to work...!'

"Ranchan, look out!" Ukyou's warning came just in time to save Ranma from taking one of Herb's ki-blasts to the face. The wall behind the Saotome childe didn't fare quite so well. The ensuing explosion rocked the resort to its foundations and sent shrapnel flying everywhere. The cloud of dust thrown up by the explosion obscured the scene for a few moments - moments Herb spent looking for her clothing and not finding it. This did not improve her mood. Power flaring around her, she began to levitate, albeit somewhat unsteadily. "Don't you have any decency?" she yelled to the pig-tailed girl. "Put something on!"

Ukyou leaped from the wall (opposite the side that had been destroyed), swinging her combat-spatula down in a mighty arc. Herb bobbed to the side, and the blow struck the hot spring instead, sending up a terrific splash, and leaving a sizable impact crater behind. Ukyou had barely recovered from the missed blow when Herb began firing off volleys of chi-blasts. Cart-wheeling and flipping out of the way, the okonomiyaki chef soon found herself atop the same wall she had started from. "Let's get out of here, Ranchan!" she yelled. "We need a plan!"

At that moment, Ranma leaped at Herb from behind. Herb caught the pig-tailed girl by the shoulder and used her own momentum against her to throw her bodily into the wall that Ukyou was perched atop. As the dragon-spawn Princess began to power up for a massive chi blast, Ranma gulped nervously. "Yeah... I think we better go. Saotome secret technique...!" And with that, Ranma vaulted up and over the wall, with Ukyou following close behind, pausing only to scoop up Herb's clothing as they went. At the ruined hot spring, Herb descended to the ground and glared angrily after the fleeing martial artists.

--------------

Ranma and Ukyou came running back to their camp about an hour later, their exhilaration finally fading from them as they dashed down the forest trail. When they arrived at the camp, they were confronted by a very angry red-head, and an equally angry pair of moon-cats. Ranma and Ukyou's good mood died in an instant.

"I hope you have a good explanation for this," said Asuka, glaring balefully at the two girls.

Ukyou and Ranma exchanged glances. Although she couldn't put a finger on why exactly, the thought of Asuka challenging her on this matter... or rather, the thought of Sailor Mars challenging her on this matter annoyed Ukyou to no end. "Since when did we answer to you, sugar?" she asked. Ranma nodded her agreement.

Asuka gaped at the pair, her face flushing a red to match her hair as she struggled for words. After a moment, she opened her mouth to speak, but Luna got there first, and probably prevented the fire-haired Senshi from saying something that she would have regretted. "You may not answer to us, Ukyou," the moon-cat began, "but Ranma certainly does." She turned her disapproving gaze towards the albino pig-tailed girl and began to pace back and forth.

"How do ya figure?" asked Ranma.

It was Artemis who spoke up. "Even if you haven't awakened yet, you ARE a Sailor Senshi."

Luna nodded her agreement, and took the opportunity to jump in. "You therefore have a responsibility to Asuka, Artemis, and myself."

"You shouldn't have gone off without us," said Artemis, his expression darkening considerably. "The Sailor Senshi are supposed to be a team. What if something had happened to you? Do you think Mars is ready to face someone like Herb on her own?"

"Hey!" Asuka interjected, glaring at the white moon-cat, "I could easily kick the dragon-princess' ass! Unlike this unawakened idiot, I can already use MY senshi powers! Not to mention, I have Sailor02!"

Ranma's expression hardened, and she glanced at Ukyou as if for guidance. Ukyou shrugged. After a moment, the pig-tailed girl spoke. "What the hell gave you the idea that I'm a Sailor Senshi, unawakened or not? And what's a Sailor Senshi, anyways?"

Asuka frowned. "Weren't you paying attention all those times you listened in on our Senshi meetings at Akane's house?"

Ranma shook her head. "Nah, I was doin' that more to annoy Akane."

Asuka facepalmed. She took a moment to regain her composure (such as it was) before speaking. "... The Sailor Senshi are the reincarnated Princesses of the ancient moon-kingdom. They're magical warriors with a high destiny!"

Luna spoke up then. "The sigil that you've manifested on your forehead proves it. You ARE one of the Sailor Senshi."

A look of horror on her face, Ranma took a step back (and closer to Ukyou). "No. I don't believe it for a second! It ain't true! Just being a girl at ALL is bad enough!"

Asuka grinned evilly. "It's true, wonder-girl, and if you think about it, it DOES explain some things about you..."

"I AM NOT A REINCARNATED PRINCESS FROM SOME TEN THOUSAND YEARS DEAD MOON KINGDOM!"

Asuka's grin only grew wider (and eviler). "How did you know it was ten-thousand years dead, wonder-girl? No one told you that."

"Shut up! It ain't true!"

Ukyou shook her head and sighed. "Ranchan, close your mouth before you stick your foot even further in."

Ranma glared.

-----------

-- LATER --

-----------

"Are you sure this is the place, Luna?" Ukyou asked. She, Ranma, Asuka and the moon-cats had reached a small break in the forest – a meadow - that lay before the entrance to a system of caves. Unfortunately, there was also a large demon standing guard at the entrance to the caves, bat-winged and cloaked in bands of inky darkness. Although they had taken Herb's clothes, a thorough search had revealed no sign of the map. This meant that they had only Luna and Artemis' spotty memories of the location to go on. At Luna's answering nod, Ukyou frowned. "This could be a problem."

"No it won't," said Asuka, "Let's go kick its ass! Mars power! Make up!" With the command words spoken (although no one could really be sure whether it was the 'mars power' or the 'let's kick its ass' part), flames erupted from her body and her clothing vanished, leaving her momentarily nude before the flames coalesced into her senshi fuku.

Before anyone could stop her, Sailor Mars charged the demon, and with a cry of "Fire... SOUL," let loose with a tremendous fireball.

The blast of flame struck the demon head-on... and had little in the way of a noticeable effect. Smoke rising from its body, the demon turned to face the one who had attacked it.

"HALT," it intoned. "WHO SEEKS TO ENTER THIS PLACE MUST FIRST PASS THE THREE TRIALS."

"You can take your trials and shove them up your ass!" yelled Mars as she prepared another fireball. "FIRE SOUL!"

The demon took this fireball head on as well, and this time actually seemed to be injured by it, with minor burns appearing across its mottled hide. It roared angrily, and its glowing yellow eyes narrowed dangerously. "INTERLOPER," it said as it formed a ball of purest darkness in the palm of its right hand, "DIE."

Mars reacted a split-second too late – the creature threw the ball of darkness at her, and though she attempted to dodge, it still managed to clip her across the shoulder. The force of the impact sent her spinning crazily through the air, only to hit the trunk of a nearby tree with a tremendous crack.

As Mars slid ungracefully down the tree's trunk to the ground, her transformation fading away and leaving behind a very bruised Asuka, the demon turned towards the others. "WHO SEEKS TO ENTER THIS PLACE MUST FIRST PASS THE THREE TRIALS. WHO SHALL BE YOUR CHAMPION?"

Ukyou and Ranma exchanged glances. After a moment, Ranma stepped forward. "Do your worst," she said.

The demon's eyes narrowed, and a smile of pure malevolence settled onto its face. "LET THE TRIALS BEGIN."

------------------

A SHORT TIME LATER

------------------

Ranma faced the demon alone, its massive bat-winged, shadow-wreathed frame towering over her like storm-clouds over the hills. "ARE YOU PREPARED?" it asked. She nodded. "DO YOU UNDERSTAND THE TERMS?" Again, she nodded. "VERY WELL," said the demon, whose voice was by now growing quite hoarse from talking so much in caps, "THE FIRST TRIAL BEGINS."

Asuka, Ukyou and the mooncats watched fearfully as the demon held forth its hand, and Ranma did likewise. As one, the pig-tailed girl and the demon cried aloud, "JANKENPON! PON PON PON!"

"HAHA!" Ranma exulted, "Stone beats scissors! I win again!"

"DAMN YOU! YOU MAY HAVE BEATEN ME AT THE CHALLENGE OF JANKENPON, BUT LET'S SEE HOW WELL YOU DO AT KARAOKE!"

Ukyou, Asuka, and the mooncats promptly facefaulted.

---------------------

---- STILL LATER ----

---------------------

YOU HAVE PASSED THE FIRST TWO TRIALS, MORTAL. NOW LET'S SEE HOW WELL YOU DO AT MARTIAL ARTS SCRABBLE."

As Ranma prepared to do battle with the demon, Asuka turned towards Luna, an incredulous look on her face. "Ok, what idiot designed these challenges anyways?" she asked.

Artemis snickered, and Luna shot him a dangerous look.

"... what? What does that mean?" asked Asuka, suspicion growing in her expression.

Artemis snickered again. "NOT A WORD, ARTEMIS," said Luna.

Asuka's expression went quickly from suspicious to something more along the lines of, 'you HAVE to be kidding me' as she looked at Luna.

"... OK," said Luna, hanging her head in shame, "So I was just a little bit drunk at the time..."

"And the demon?"

If it had been possible for her to melt into the ground at that point, Luna would have done so. "He said he'd lost a bet," she supplied helpfully.

Asuka shook her head in dismay. "Kami-sama save us all."

------------------

--- EVEN LATER ---

------------------

At long last, with every challenge completed, the demon stepped aside and allowed Ranma-tachi(2) to enter the caves. They passed through the entrance, and once their eyes had adjusted to the change of light, the group stood for a moment awestruck by their surroundings.

The caverns stretched on endlessly, it seemed, with fluted columns of stone growing out of the ceiling some seventy feet above them, and others seeming to flow up from the ground in ribbons of watery stone. The walls seemed almost polished, and deposits of gemstones of various kinds were actually visible in the walls, floor, and roof. It was these gems that provided the illumination – although the gems themselves varied in colour from greens to blues to reds, purples, and everything in between, and although they each glowed in the colour appropriate to the individual gem, the illumination in the cave was white light – a kind of reverse prism affect.

The humans and moon-cats journeyed for about an hour in these caves, going ever deeper and into ever more spectacular caverns, until they came at last to a vast cylindrical chamber of stone. The roof in this chamber was some one hundred meters above, and the chamber's radius was about eighty meters. The floor was made entirely of purest crystal, and beneath, locked in a crystalline slumber, lay Sailor01. Naturally, the presence of such a ridiculous looking thing spoiled the entire affect of the cave. In any case, resting above Sailor01's crystalline tomb was a small pedestal, upon which rested a kettle in a stone bowl of steaming water.

"Finally, the kaisuifuu!" Ranma crowed as she rushed forward to grab the kettle from its pedestal. She stopped short when an all too familiar platinum-blonde woman descended from above, her body wreathed with energy.

"Did you really think it would be this easy, woman?" asked Herb as she landed between Ranma and the open water kettle. "You will not touch what is rightfully mine."

Asuka frowned. "Wait a minute, how did you get in here, anyways? Didn't you have to get past the demon?"

Mint and Lime stepped into the chamber then, cutting off any chance of escape. "We used the side-door," said Mint.

Asuka began to grind her teeth.

"Alright," said Ranma, dropping into a combat stance, "If I gotta beat ya to get to the kaisuifuu, then I guess I'll just have ta beat ya."

Ukyou stepped up next to Ranma, drawing her spatula as she moved into a combat stance of her own. "I'm with you, Ranchan!"

Herb's slitted eyes flashed in the gem-light of the chamber. To the eyes of everyone in the chamber, she seemed simply to vanish from her position and to reappear directly in front of Ranma. Still worse, she appeared with her fist slammed into Ranma's stomach. Caught totally off guard by the speed of the dragon-spawn's attack, the Saotome childe doubled over, the force of the blow sending her sliding backwards some five meters, for all that she remained standing. "Ranchan," Ukyou cried in dismay. Wasting no time, the okonomiyaki chef charged the dragon prince, swinging her combat spatula for all that she was worth.

Without even turning to look, Herb caught the incoming spatula by the topmost part of its shaft, just below where the spatula head actually began. With a seemingly effortless ease, she tore the weapon out of Ukyou's hand, and then slammed it, handle first, into Ukyou's chest. It hit her with a terrible crack, and she went down like a puppet whose strings had suddenly been cut.

At the sight of her best friend (and maybe more) being smacked down so casually, Ranma's eyes widened. All at once, the glow of the gems was no longer the only source of light in the chamber. Her eyes began to glow an evil, undying red, and strange geometric energy patterns began to form around her hands. "Alright Herb, this time for real!" cried the Saotome childe as she brought her hands together. When the twin peculiar energy patterns met, a torrent of pure destructive energy poured forth, aimed directly at the dragon-princess.

Herb WOULD have dodged, but Sailor Mars chose that moment to transform. With a cry of, "MARS POWER, MAKE UP!" the redheaded girl's clothes vanished as flames erupted around her, leaving her momentarily nude before the flames once more coalesced into her senshi fuku.

Instead of dodging, Herb stared at Mars with narrowed eyes, the vein on her forehead bulging considerably as she yelled, "Don't ANY OF YOU HAVE ANY MODESTY?"

That was when Ranma's particle beam hit her. She screamed in pain as the sheer force of the blast threw her forty meters across the chamber and some three feet into the far wall.

"Kusoyaro..." growled the dragon-princess as she clambered out of the impact crater she had left in the rock wall. Her own eyes began to glow as she gathered chi into herself. "Mint, Lime, take care of these others. Saotome is MINE."

And with that, she unleashed a massive blast of chi.

As Herb and Ranma dueled in a manner that would have made any super saiyajin envious, Sailor Mars attempted to keep both Mint and Lime occupied long enough for Ukyou to recover and join the fight. Still weak from the blow she had received, Ukyou struggled to rise, but found herself as of yet unable to do so.

"FIRE SOUL!" cried Mars as she sent a fireball Lime's way, who was forced to dive for cover. A moment later, Mint's cry of, "Rouga Ryuusei Dan!" gave Sailor Mars some small warning – enough warning to start frantically dodging the dozens of ki-charged knives that the wolf-man had thrown at her. She was for the most part successful, though she took several glancing blows, and by the end, was bleeding from several nasty gashes. "Chikishou," she hissed as she charged the wolf-man. "Akuryou..." she began, drawing forth a Shinto ward from subspace and flinging it at the wolf-man, "Taisan!"

The ward flew straight and true, despite the fact that paper should not technically be able to do such a thing. When it struck Mint, it burst into flames, its burning embers scattering over the wolf-man. Yelping in pain, he dropped to the ground and began rolling frantically to extinguish the fire before it could do any serious damage.

That was when Lime slammed Mars from behind, shoulder first. Thrown heavily to the ground, she rolled three times before she finally came to a rest. Lime would have moved to finish her off then, had not Endymion, Roseite, and Blue Thunderite appeared in the air some thirty meters above the conflict in their respective swirls of flowery matter.

"Sailor Senshi! You will not awaken Sailor01! I'll see you dead first," cried Endymion, a harsh expression on her face. All eyes immediately went up to the newest arrivals. All eyes, that is, except for Herb's, who took the opportunity to blast Ranma when she wasn't looking.

"A... Akane?" Ranma exclaimed, disbelief obvious in her voice.

"Akane-chan?" asked Sailor Mars.

"Tuxedo-Mallet-sama?" asked Luna.

"Can I feel your breasts?" asked Mint.

"Me too! I want to feel them too!" Lime shouted, "You can't feel them unless I get to!"

That was when Herb's blast hit Ranma. The ensuing explosion rocked the cavern, and several large rock formations fell from the ceiling only to be narrowly dodged by Mars, Lime, Mint, and the newly recovered Ukyou.

Blue Thunderite gazed down at the assembled group for a moment. When his eyes came to rest upon Ukyou and Sailor Mars, they widened in surprise. "Such ferocity... such warrior spirit..." he murmered. "Very well then!" he said as he descended towards the two, "I challenge you fair ladies to a duel. If you defeat me, I shall permit you to date with me!"

Mars and Ukyou looked at him, nonplused. "... Excuse me?" asked Ukyou.

Herb smirked confidently. "Lime, Mint, stop staring at those women's breasts and retrieve the Kaisuifuu. This... I COMMAND!"

(Somewhere out there, The Emperor of Cobra sneezed.)

Mint and Lime immediately sprang to their feet and raced towards the pedestal, only to be caught in a blast of black lightning, courtesy of Endymion (who had actually been aiming at Ranma). The two beast-men growled up at the floating Dark Kingdom generals. "Don't interfere with Lord Herb's commands!" they yelled angrily.

Herb stood there a moment, watching the dust of the explosion he had caused clear, waiting to see some sign of her enemy's fate. The sign came all too soon – in the form of two glowing red eyes peering hatefully out of the clearing dust.

------- A FEW SECONDS EARLIER -------

That blast had taken more out of her than she cared to admit. Grimacing, Ranma clambered to her feet, trying to ignore the pain in her arm and in her abdomen. She coughed up blood.

'More...' thought Ranma, 'I need more power! I HAVE to beat her!' Terrified of the thought of losing this last chance to reclaim her manhood, Ranma reached deep within herself.

Two powers she found there, one like unto the wind, and the other like a whirlpool of blood, of slashing blades, and of death. After a moment's hesitation, it was the latter that she seized. As she voluntarily embraced the core of that power, the ice and the fire beneath, dormant for so long, came flooding back far stronger than ever. And then...

----- THE DARK KINGDOM -----

Queen Beryl's eyes widened in surprise as a sudden influx of dark energies nearly knocked her off of her throne. She quickly glanced towards Ayanami's prison, and nearly laughed aloud when she saw the cracks forming in its side... and perhaps of more immediate benefit, the portal behind which the seven shadows were sealed... had begun to open.

--------------

As Ranma strode towards Herb, a terrible dark power began to radiate from the albino pig-tailed girl, and her eyes shone blood red, with occult symbols whirling within their scarlet depths. For no discernable reason, a highly symbolic purple energy cross appeared over the mountain. Not that anyone in the caves could see such a thing.

Luna's eyes widened. "RANMA, NO!"

The two moon-cats exchanged glances. "Is this as bad as I think it is?" asked Artemis. Luna could only nod faintly.

Sailor Mars leaped to avoid a bolt of black lightning that Blue Thunderite had sent her way. "What the hell is this?" she exclaimed.

Luna turned towards the senshi of fire. "Sailor Mars, you HAVE to get to Sailor01 and activate it! It's our only hope!"

"What about Ranma?" she cried as she dodged one of Blue Thunderite's sword strikes.

"... That isn't Ranma anymore."

"What? What do you mean that isn't Ranma?"

"Ranma has become Ayanami. Asuka, you HAVE to activate Sailor01."

"... Right," she said, turning and dashing towards the glowing section of crystal directly above Sailor01's entry plug. "Ukyou, take care of this dummkopf!"

Endymion smiled down at Ranma. "Ah, THERE you are," she said as she began gathering black energy in the palm of her hands. "Ranma Saotome," she cried as she flung a terrific blast of black lightning at the pig-tailed girl, "DIE!"

The lightning stopped some three meters away from Ranma, splashing harmlessly against an invisible barrier. Her eyes and Endymion's met, and in that moment, Endymion knew fear.

"Roseite, kill her," said Endymion.

"With pleasure."

Moving with lightning speed, Roseite blurred as she darted towards Ayanami/Ranma, a whip of dark energy flashing out towards the albino pigtailed girl.

It never got close.

Ayanami disappeared. She then reappeared directly in front of Roseite... with her hand inside of Roseite's chest cavity. Roseite's eyes went wide, and she screamed in horror as, for one terrible moment, she and Ayanami were one. And then her body burst apart in a shower of LCL that splattered noisily on the cave floor.

Everyone save Mars stopped at that and turned to stare at the floating figure that had so casually destroyed a General of the Dark Kingdom.

Blue Thunderite was the first one to react. In an instant, his attraction to Mars and Ukyou vanished from his mind. Leaving Ukyou, whom he had been dueling sword to spatula, forgotten, he charged the creature that had destroyed Roseite. "SISTER!" he shrieked, his voice shrill with fury.

Ayanami turned to face the charging kendoist General. A dark smile spread across her face as she formed pentagular ball of dark energy and flung it directly into Blue Thunderite's chest. It struck him dead center, and in an instant, the second general of the Dark Kingdom was reduced to a shower of LCL.

Endymion, Ukyou, Herb, Lime, Mint, and the two moon-cats' jaws all dropped open slightly.

Mars, in the meantime, had reached the glowing crystal formation. Frantically she reached for the controls to activate Sailor01. It was then that she realized that Ayanami/Ranma had translocated to directly in front of her, and was even now glaring down at her disapprovingly.

Ayanami gathered a tremendous ball of dark energy and flung it into the ground. Mars barely had time to scramble out of the way before the blast hit where she had been standing seconds before. It was only then that she realized that the blast had not been aimed at her. With a sinking feeling of horror, she looked down just in time to see the blast strike Sailor01 dead on. The Sailor Suited Evangelion detonated violently, shattering the crystal floor around it, and sending Sailor Mars flying into the wall. She hit the wall hard, slid down to the floor, and lay very still.

It was then that Ayanami/Ranma turned towards Herb, her blood-red eyes shining with ever new hatred. Without a word, the demon-queen stalked towards the dragon-princess, dark power coiling around her like a serpent. Herb stood her ground, gathering all the chi that she could manage. The kaisuifuu stood forgotten in the center of the chamber as the two prepared to do battle.

Ayanami/Ranma thrust forth her hand, and a wave of pure destruction poured forth, streaming towards the defiant dragon-princess, who answered it with a massive chi-blast. The two blasts met in mid-flight... and without any contest whatsoever, the wave of death snuffed out the chi-blast and bore down on Herb.

Herb's eyes widened in shock, and at that moment, Mint and Lime leaped in front of her, holding their arms out to shield their prince. "MASTER HERB, RUN!" cried the beastmen.

As the wave of death struck them, the two beast-men burst apart in twin showers of LCL that splattered over their lord's clothing. With their deaths, the energy dissipated. Herb's entire body shook with a helpless rage. Silently, she sank to her knees, unable to come to grips with what had just happened.

Ayanami smiled as she walked casually towards the dragon-spawn. Death was at her right hand, and madness in her shadow. Without a word she approached, like a pale, silent wraith.

"That's far enough, Ranchan," Ukyou said as she stepped between Ayanami/Ranma and the dragon princess, brandishing her combat spatula.

Ayanami/Ranma turned her gaze to Ukyou. Her eyes narrowed.

"This is bad, Luna. This is VERY bad."

Luna shook her head in disbelief. "It can't end this way. There HAS to be something we can do...!"

It was then that her eyes fell upon the kaisuifuu. Luna's eyes lit up with hope. "Of course...!" she cried as she raced towards the kettle, with Artemis close behind, albeit slightly confused.

'This is it,' thought Ukyou as Ayanami/Ranma slapped the combat spatula out of her hands with a casual ease. 'I'm dead.' Ayanami/Ranma reached for the okonimiyaki chef, and Ukyou felt the creature's power flow over her... and in that moment, a star was born. A chime sounded, and a brilliant blue light appeared in the air directly between the two. Ayanami/Ranma hissed and flinched away from the pure watery light, and Ukyou stared in amazement. There, floating within easy reach, was a senshi transformation pen.

Distantly, she thought she heard Sailor Mars whispering, "Masaka... Sailor Senshi...?" but none of that really clicked in her awareness. As if in a dream, she reached for the pen. Her hand closed around it, and in that moment, Kuonji Ukyou spoke a phrase that seemed strangely familiar, though she knew that she had never spoken it even once before in her life.

With a cry of, "NEPTUNE PLANET POWER, MAKE UP!" Sailor Neptune was reborn.

Luna and Artemis worked desperately, trying to push the Kaisuifuu off of its pedestal and towards the battle. They lacked the strength to do so. That, however, did not stop them from trying.

Ayanami/Ranma lunged for Sailor Neptune, sending forth an intense volley of black lightning, but she leaped back and out of the way. Where the lightning struck, the stone of the cave was simply ERASED. "DEEP...!" began Sailor Neptune as a ringed sphere of watery magic shimmered into being between her hands, "SUBMERGE!"

The ringed sphere lanced out at Ayanami/Ranma and splashed harmlessly against her barrier field. It was then that Ayanami finally spoke. **NOT GOOD ENOUGH, SAILOR SENSHI,** it said, with a voice that shook the very foundations of the mountain. **NOW... DIE.**

Ayanami brought her hands together, and from between them sprang another deadly blast of energy. Knowing that she could not escape, Neptune clenched her eyes shut and whispered a quick prayer.

"SILENCE... WALL!"

Neptune's eyes opened wide as Ayanami's particle beam met with the power of Saturn and was stopped in its tracks.

"OAK... EVOLUTION!"

"SHINE AQUA ILLUSION!"

"WINK CHAIN SWORD!"(3)

The three simultaneous attacks bombarded Ayanami from all sides, forcing her back and away from Neptune. The Sailor Senshi had arrived.

Mercury, Venus, Saturn and Jupiter leaped into action, attacking Ayanami with a vengeance. Blasts of magical energy flew between the senshi and the demon-queen, and Ayanami roared in fury. She lashed out with a volley of black lightning that sent Mercury flying into the pedestal, smashing it to pieces and knocking Luna, Artemis and the kaisuifuu to the floor.

Mercury scrambled to her feet, favoring her right leg now over her left. She watched the fight with an analytical eye, taking careful note of its progress. "LOVE-ME CHAIN!" cried Venus, sending a glittering chain of golden hearts flying towards Ayanami, who swatted it away without much trouble. Mercury nodded in a seemingly satisfied manner, and then called out, "Attack plan A!"

Immediately, Jupiter and Venus dropped back. "SHABON SPRAY!" Mercury called, summoning forth a thick, cold fog. Although the fog did not pierce Ayanami's barrier field, it did conceal enough of the area for the plan to move forward. A moment later, with a cry of "Sparkling Wide Pressure!" Sailor Jupiter sent a ball of electricity flying at Ayanami from behind.

The demon-queen whirled around, focusing her barrier to block the attack. It struck the barrier violently, and lightning crackled and writhed through the air like a crazed animal. "VENUS LOVE-ME CHAIN!"

With her barrier directed to block Jupiter's attack, Ayanami was caught off-guard when Sailor Venus sent another chain of glowing golden energy-hearts her way. The chain quickly lassoed the demon-queen, and Venus was quick to draw it tight. "Gotcha!"

"Everyone get back," said Saturn as she raised the silence glaive. Venus extended the length of her chain, but did not release it. The others dove for cover.

"Silence Glaive..." Saturn began, even as Ayanami gathered her own power to shatter Venus' chain. "SURPISE!"

The Silence Glaive descended, Ayanami screamed, and there was Silence.

The ensuing explosion atomized the whole of the mountain over their heads. The harsh light of day shone down on them suddenly, and yet in that moment, the light of day grew dim. Ayanami stood before Saturn, and though the Silence Glaive had bisected her from hip to shoulder, she grinned. Dark energy coalesced around her, healing her wounds and strengthening her further. Her eyes glowed like twin stars, and around her grew a tangible aura of evil and dread. Waves of pure and unadulterated evil washed across the world as, in the dark, secret places long since forgotten, where things had learned to walk that ought to crawl, seven pairs of malevolent eyes sprang open.

Ayanami brought her hands together once more, sending forth a terrible beam of destructive energy that met a hastily erected Silence Wall. Power crackled violently between the demon-queen and the Chinmoku no Messiah.

It was then that Herb rose to her feet. She would NOT allow her retainers to die in vain. She would avenge their deaths, and she would do it NOW. "Ki Ryu Tou," she intoned, and a blade of pure chi flashed into being around her arm. She leaped at Ayanami, a wordless roar of fury on her lips.

... the sword of Chi shattered into a thousand pieces as it struck Ayanami/Ranma, who causally caught the dragon-spawn by the throat... and then began to squeeze.

As Ayanami turned her attention towards the princess of the Musk, Saturn made her move. Dashing forward, she caught Ayanami's head between her hands. Crimson eyes met purple, and Saturn's hands began to glow...

Meanwhile, Luna had finally regained enough presence of mind to jump up onto Sailor Mercury's shoulder and whisper fiercely into her ear, "Mercury! The kettle!"

Mercury looked down at the kettle, and then back at the battle. After a moment's hesitation, understanding flashed in her eyes. She grabbed the Kaisuifu, and with all her strength, flung it at Ayanami.

The kettle struck Ranma's barrier and exploded in a shower of water and metal fragments. The metal did not pass through the barrier.

The water, however, did. As Hotaru's healing power surged through Ranma's body, doing battle against the spiritual sickness that had taken root there, the waters of the kaisuifuu washed over them, and Ayanami screamed in agony.

When the water struck her, Herb's flesh rippled, shimmered, and CHANGED. A very male Herb fell to the floor and rolled away from the demon-queen and the Senshi of Ruin, coughing weakly.

And as for Ayanami...

The moment the water struck her, Ranma's sigil – the symbol of Uranus - flared to life on her forehead. She shrieked in a mixture of fury and terror as her body disintegrated, leaving behind only the floating sigil in its wake.

The dark power of the demon-queen arose then, coalescing into the form of a young woman made of purest darkness save only for the undying red of her eyes. Unbound by a human mind, the hunger of the demon-queen was heavy in the air, coiling about her like smoke, the ravenous desire to devour. Those who stood against the beast felt it seeping into their bones, this ravenous need to feed upon another, to devour another, to permanently gorge yourself on their outraged individuality. In that moment, the knowledge of the true nature of the demon-queen flashed into the minds of the Senshi. They saw her dream of the day when all that says "I" can say it only through herself, and they nearly despaired.

The sigil of Uranus, still floating in the air before the unbound demon-queen, flared brilliantly. Ranma faded into being in the same place she had disintegrated, and she was greatly changed. The pale blue flowed out of her hair, leaving a vibrant cherry-red in its place. Her pale white skin suddenly fleshed with healthy colour, and the red of her eyes was instantly washed away by a brilliant shade of blue. A transformation pen appeared in the air in front of her, and she fainted.

Ayanami gave Ranma's fallen form a contemptuous glance, and in her hands, a pentangular ball of shadow began to form.

"DEEP SUBMERGE!"

"FIRE SOUL!"

"OAK EVOLUTION!"

"LOVE AND BEAUTY SHOCK!"

"AQUA RAPHSODY!"

The attacks of the sailor senshi blasted against Ayanami's barrier, and she whirled towards them. With a wordless cry of fury, the demon-queen loosed her attack at the Senshi, blasting each of them into what little remained of the far wall. And that was when Saturn spoke, and though it was little more than a whisper, it rang out with the clarity of a silver bell.

"Death..." she intoned, streams of purple energy gathering around her in a violent swirl. Reborn..." the energies began to gather around the Silence Glaive's blade, twisting and writhing like a living thing. Streams of black joined them as Saturn floated into the air. "...Revolution."

Ayanami turned to face Saturn, and though she screamed, there was

only Silence. All over the world, sound ceased as the Silence descended, if only for a moment. There came a great blinding flash of light, and then a thousand ribbons of pure death and destruction lashed out from the Silence Glaive, each of them piercing Ayanami's form through the chest before continuing onwards to cut vast swaths of devastation into the surrounding woodland, ending the existence of everything that they touched.

Ayanami looked down at the ribbons piercing her form, and a look of disbelief crossed her face for an instant... and then she was gone - the dark power of the demon-queen quite simply winked out.

The other Senshi stared at Saturn in awe as she slowly descended to the ground. For a long moment, no one spoke.

And then Neptune ran to Ranma's side, detransforming as she did so. She cradled the pig-tailed girl's head in her lap, staring down at the results of the transformation in wonder. "She didn't... become male?"

Herb, meanwhile, rose to his feet, his slitted eyes narrowed. Gathering chi into his hands, he approached the fallen pig-tailed girl and prepared to finish her off. And that was when he came face-to-blade with the Silence Glaive.

For one very long moment, Herb stood his ground, meeting Saturn's gaze with his own, neither of them willing to budge. Tension crackled between them like lightning as Herb silently sized up the Senshi of Ruin. "Don't," was all that Saturn said, but the look in her eyes left no room for doubt: if he touched the pig-tailed girl, he would die.

At last, the dragon-prince looked down at the fallen Saotome-childe. "This is NOT over, Saotome," he said, and then turned and walked away.

A moment later, Ukyou became aware that one of the Senshi who had aided them – Saturn – was staring at her. She turned, and the mix of love and longing that she saw in the girl's eyes tore at her heart.

"Michiru-mama... Haruka-papa," Saturn whispered.

A temporal gate snapped into being a short distance behind Mercury, Venus and Jupiter, who quickly turned and walked towards it. Mars, finally recovered, stared at the other Senshi with a peculiar expression on her face. It was the look of one who felt that they SHOULD know something, but could not for the life of them recall what it was.

"Come on, Saturn," said Mercury as the others stepped through the portal. "It's time to go."

"Wait!" cried Artemis. "Sailor Mercury? Sailor Jupiter? Sailor Venus? And... Saturn? Where are you going? Why didn't we know about you being awake?"

Mercury and Saturn were the only ones outside the portal at that point, and it was Mercury who answered. "There's no time to explain it right now. We'll talk later." She smiled softly. "It's good to see you again, Luna, Artemis. I'm glad the two of you weren't changed."

Mercury and Saturn stepped through the portal then, which immediately vanished in a flash of light.

And so at last, Mars, Luna and Artemis gathered around Ukyou. Ranma lay unconscious, her head in Ukyou's lap.

Mars frowned. "Is wonder-girl going to be ok?"

Ukyou looked down at Ranma, smiled, and then passionately kissed the pig-tailed girl. To her delight, she found that the kiss was returned, albeit weakly. Mars sputtered in shock, and Luna and Artemis just shrugged as Ranma opened her eyes and smiled. "I'm back," she whispered.

--------------

It was some two weeks later when Ranma, Ukyou and Asuka finally returned to the Tendo home. Nabiki, Kasumi, Soun and Genma stared as Ranma walked through the door, much changed, but not male. Genma shuddered uncontrollably, not at all comfortable with how much Ranma now resembled Nodoka when she and Genma had first met. No, this was not a good sign at ALL. For the panda-cursed martial artist, the feeling could only be described as 'having someone walk over your grave.'

The family stared in silence for a long moment before Kasumi finally spoke up. "Oh my. What happened, Ranma-kun?"

Ranma smiled. "It's a long story..."

END EPISODE 12

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1 - This line is from a poem. Unfortunately, the name of it escapes me at the moment. If anyone cares to let me know, it would be appreciated.

2 – Ranma-tachi: Ranma and company. Ranma's group.

3 – Wink Chain Sword is one of Sailor Venus' attacks in the manga.

Comments? Criticisms? Do you like it? Love it? Hate it? Let me know! Let's keep it civil, please. Flames will be laughed at. MSTies will also be laughed at, but in an entirely different manner than flames. 8)


	13. Let's Do the Time Warp Again, Part I

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Ranma 1/2: WHY SAILOR PLUTO HATES THE BET  
A Ranma crossover fanfic  
by P.H. Wise

Episode 12: Let's Do the Time-Warp Again, Part I

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Disclaimer: Sailor Moon is the property of Takeuichi Naoko. Ranma belongs to Takahashi Rumiko. Evangelion belongs to Gainax. The Bet concept and the accompanying cast and background of Mimir's Well belong to Metroanime. I don't own the Hobbit, either. Or the Divine Comedy, for that matter. Or Canterbury Tales. Or Illiad. I don't own much of anything, actually.

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In a hole in the ground, there was a Dark Kingdom. Not dry, bare, sandy hole with nothing in it to sit down on or to eat, nor yet a clean, cheery hole filled with comfortable things and food and beer in plenty, but a dark, dank, unpleasantly musty hole filled with things that had learned to walk which ought to crawl: it was a Dark Kingdom hole, and that meant evil.

"Well, I've got good news and bad news, my Queen," Endymion said, and well she wot what happened to those who brought bad news before Queen Beryl. That's why she had a backup. "First, the good news. Sailor01 was destroyed, and that miserable pervert doesn't have Ayanami's body anymore. Also, Roseite and Blue Thunderite are dead, and the prince of the Musk has sworn revenge on the pervert for the deaths of his servants."

Queen Beryl smiled. "This pleases me."

Endymion nodded. "I thought it might. Now for the bad news." Endymion strode forward and settled into the Queen's lap. She snapped her fingers, and a red-shirt youma appeared in a swirl of smoke. "You're on, Joebobite."

Joebobite swallowed nervously. "Well, the bad news is that Sailor Neptune and Sailor Uranus have awakened. Also, Senshi Mars, Mercury, Jupiter, Venus and Saturn were at the battle." He cringed.

Beryl absently blasted the cringing youma into a pile of dust, and his dying scream echoed long in the halls of her palace. When the last echoes faded, she tapped her clawed finger to her lips. "Hmm. Strange that the Outer Senshi would take a hand in what is clearly an internal dispute. Their mandate was to protect the Solar System from external threats... I should know. I was the one who convinced the Queen to bind it to them with the Ginzuishou."

Endymion shrugged. "Maybe the oath binding was just for show?"

Beryl shook her head. "No, the Outer Senshi weren't able to intervene when we attacked the Moon Kingdom back then and ended the Silver Millenium..." she frowned. "Endymion-chan, do you remember more than one version of those events, or is it just me?"

A peculiar crystalline coffin materialized on the wall behind the throne. Endymion blinked and turned her head to look at it. The silhouette of a humanoid could be seen through the crystal. "What in the world?"

Beryl glanced at the crystal coffin and shrugged. "I don't know what it is either. It's been appearing and disappearing ever since you left on your mission." She smiled. "It is of no concern to us. Now that the Seven Shadows have returned to me, even the Outer Senshi will not stand in my way."

Endymion squirmed in Beryl's lap as the doors to the throne room swung open, and ghastly shapes of horror and madness strode (and slithered, and skittered, and flopped) into the room. Seven pairs of malevolent eyes came to rest on their Queen, and each of their owners bowed low.

-----------------

Ranma stood at the banks of the Ayanami-nichuan, staring at her reflection in the spring. For all the world it looked as though there were two girls, one above and one below, and staring at each other; one with red hair and blue eyes, the other with blue hair and red eyes. She frowned, and the girl in the pool remained expressionless.

A sudden touch on her shoulder sent the pig-tailed girl leaping nearly ten feet into the air. Whirling around, she came face to face with... herself. Or rather, HIMself. Otoko-Ranma stood before her, a challenging smirk on his face.

Onna-Ranma blinked. "Who are you?" she asked.

He shrugged. "I should be askin' ya the same question. You don't look much like the girl that came out of that spring."

"Huh?"

"Well, I guess turning into a girl ain't made me any smarter."

Onna-Ranma glared at Otoko-Ranma. "You take that back!"

"Or what? You'll cry like a little girl and run and tell your mommy on me?"

She felt her hackles rising, and her pigtail now stood completely on end. "No, I'll kick your ass!"

Otoko-Ranma grinned. "Bring it on, little girl."

It was at that moment that their pissing contest was interrupted by the sound of a young woman clearing her throat directly behind them. They exchanged glances, and then turned around, coming face to face (so to speak) with a tall, androgynous woman with sandy-blonde hair.

"Who the hell are you?" they asked as one.

The woman shrugged. "Hell if I know."

Onna-Ranma gave her a suspicious glance. "Where'd ya come from?"

She looked around. "I live here."

Onna-Ranma glanced at Otoko-Ranma, plainly about to ask the same question of him. Before she could voice it, however, he held up his hand. "What she said."

A black cat came padding up to them then, and all three cringed, their minds nearly overcome by a wave of terror with an intensity surpassing anything that any of them had ever known. A second later, the cat vanished, and with it, the fear.

Otoko-Ranma, Onna-Ranma, and the sandy-blonde woman exchanged uneasy looks.

"When did my head turn into a hotel?" Onna-Ranma asked sourly.

The others gave her identical annoyed glances.

"Look, I'm gonna start chargin' rent if the two of you don't get the hell out of my head."

Otoko-Ranma took a step towards her then. "We've got as much right to be here as you do. In fact, I bet I'VE got even MORE right to be here than you do. It was my head first!"

"You wanna put my fists where your mouth is?" asked Onna-Ranma.

He looked confused for a moment. "Don'cha mean 'money where your mouth is?'"

Onna-Ranma promptly decked him. "No, I don't."

The sandy-blonde woman shook her head incredulously. "OK, I don't know who put me in here, but I want out right now!"

Silence was her only answer. Well, that and the noise of Onna-Ranma and Otoko-Ranma having an all-out brawl.

A moment later, Ranma's dream ended in a flash of clear blue sky and the sensation of flying through the air. "You've been slacking off for long enough!" Genma bellowed dramatically as he hurled his son-turned-daughter out the window and into the koi-pond. Ranma awoke and came spluttering out of the water.

"What'd you do that for?"

Genma leaped out the window, coming at Ranma with a flying kick.

"Ranma! Defend yourself!"

"Still haven't learned, have you?" said Ranma. She gestured to throw up an AT-field strong enough to send Genma flying back into their shared room (and through the far wall).

Absolutely nothing happened. Not so much as a flicker. Not even the slightest glimmer of power. Ranma's eyes widened in the instant before her father's foot collided with her face. Down she went once more into the pond with a splash.

"What the hell?"

Genma laughed.

Ranma gestured experimentally, trying in vain to put up an AT-field. No dice. "I didn't expect this," she said.

"You're sloppy, boy!

"A REAL martial artist wouldn't let his skills slip just because of a boost in power! I thought I'd trained you better than that."

"Shut up, Oyaji. I'll show you who's sloppy." The red-head leaped back into combat, and the sound of their sparring echoed through the neighborhood.

"They're certainly lively this morning, aren't they?" said Kasumi, with a twinkle in her eye. She stood on the edge of the deck facing the koi pond, and Nabiki had just crawled bleary-eyed down the stairs, heading towards the kitchen.

"... some of us like sleep, you know," said the middle-sister.

"I'm sure Ranma would agree with you."

Both sisters cringed as Genma kicked his 'son' headfirst into the koi pond with a particularly loud crack. From the sound of it, something had broken. More than likely, it was the bottom of the pond.

"You're not helping, you know," said Nabiki.

"Had enough, boy?" asked Genma as Ranma floundered out of the pond once more.

"That was a cheap shot, pops!"

"A true martial artist is prepared for any eventuality!"

"Yeah, whatever. You just like fighting dirty."

The two continued their morning sparring, the noise of their midair battle echoing through the cold morning air, punctuated by the occasional splash. Presently, there came a knock at the front gate.

"Ara, I wonder who that could be?" said Kasumi.

"Ooh," Nabiki deadpanned, "It must be Ranma." She smiled sardonically.

Kasumi spared her sister an amused glance before going to answer the knock. Opening the front gate, she came face to... well, ok, more like shin-to-face with a tiny withered little old man. Her eyes narrowed ever so slightly.

"Pretty lady!" said Happosai, leaping up to glomp the young woman's breasts.

Kasumi smiled warmly. "Hello, Adam."

In mid-air, the aged pervert stopped himself, his eyes widening as he leaped backwards, performing a perfect double-jump maneuver. As he landed near the young woman's feet, he bowed low. "I'm sorry, my dear. I didn't recognize you," he said.

Kasumi nodded. "Would you like to come in?" she asked.

"Thank you, my dear. Is Ayanami here?"

"I'm afraid not."

Happosai nodded, and then proceeded in through the gate and into the Tendo yard.

"Genma! Soun! Come out here and greet your master!"

Genma's eyes widened and his head whipped around at the sound of his dreaded master's voice. Thanks to this distraction, he didn't block the punch that Ranma had just sent his way. Down he went into the pond with a splash.

"Mrrfh. Grrrfwh!" said the Panda, frantically wheeling back out of the water and bolting into the house and away from the diminutive pervert who had just stepped into the yard.

Ranma glanced towards Happosai. "You! ... wait, didn't I blast you to the South Pole?"

"Hmm. You're not Ayanami anymore. You're the other one."

"What?"

"Oh, nothing."

A short time later, the Tendo family (plus Ranma, a now human Genma, and Happosai) had gathered around the kitchen table. Kasumi had prepared breakfast, and they were all busily eating it.

"So who's the old freak, oyaji?"

Genma exchanged glances with Soun, and the two both shuddered.

"We will tell you a story of ancient heroism," Genma began.

Soun took it from there. "Of a horrible demon, and the two brave young martial artists who stood against him."

"The demon had rampaged across the country-side for many years, pretending to train these heroic young men.

"But they had discovered its foul plot at last, and decided that they must put an end to it! They stood bravely and fought him for forty days and forty nights! In the end, the demon was conquered."

"The two young heroes then sealed the demon within an ancient holy place, and called upon the spirits of the land to keep it safe. And they did. Until now."

Nabiki and Ranma looked expectantly at Happosai.

"I took them in, I trained them, brought them up to be my heirs. In return, they got me drunk, threw me into a cave, and then blew up the entrance. Such worthless, ungrateful students!'

"That sounds more like it," said Ranma.

Nabiki nodded her agreement.

"I've returned to complete the training of these two slackers," said Happosai, glaring at the now cowering men. "We're going on a training trip, boys!"

"Master! Have mercy!"

---------------

It is a common error to compare the time-stream to a river. Oh, sure, people can make a good show of it, going on about how you can never step into the same river twice because it's always moving, and that the river naturally empties out into the ocean, and sometimes there are these annoying backwater places, and sometimes it's like a river just upstream of a dam, where there are little pipes to let the water through (and a little watery stair thing where the salmon go through on their way upstream to spawn, except they always just get eaten by the otters and the seals instead that camp out the watery stair things like those annoying-as-hell Quake players who always used to sit on top of the rocket launcher and kill anything that approached – God damn cheap-ass campers), but even though you KNOW that some of the water IS going through, it seems really stagnant above the dam. The most annoying thing is probably the sewage reclamation sites, where the processed water is pumped back into the river and they claim that it's clean and safe, but really, would they let THEIR children swim in it?

I'm sorry, I've lost my train of thought. Where was I?

Ah yes, time.

The time-stream isn't like a river. The time-stream is actually more like a giant flowing... uh... stream... of time. Or something. There's a very good reason why time travel is possible. After all, when has it ever not been now? Five minutes ago, it was now. Ten minutes from now, it will be now. Yesterday, it was now. Ten years from now, it will be now. In this particular now, there lived a Senshi. She wasn't a ditzy, cheerful, blond senshi. She wasn't a Chinmoku no Messiah senshi, nor was she a super-smart S-MART brand double barrel shotgun senshi. Wait, that doesn't exist. She was a time senshi, and that meant stony-faced-emotionless-ness.

In a rare turn of events, she was not alone. Others were with her here – other senshi, even. The Gates of Time stood before them, resplendent as an image of the power of the daughter of Chronos, in glory undimmed since the fall of the Moon-Kingdom. A heavy fog concealed the area around the gates, save for a small courtyard directly in front of them where Sailor Pluto had gathered Ami, Minako, Makoto and Hotaru for a multimedia presentation on the current state of affairs in the universe, courtesy of a lovely young girl with long black hair, celestial robes, strange facial markings, and a large hammer. The little girl stood in front of a blackboard that showed moving pictures and diagrams (chalk pictures and diagrams) without her ever actually having to write or draw a thing.

"Why wasn't Usagi-chan with them?" asked Jupiter, grabbing a handful of pretzels from the bowl that Pluto had been kind enough to provide."

Ami tapped her chin thoughtfully. "I picked up traces of Usagi-chan's energy in my last scan of the time-stream, but it's erratic. It's there, and then it's gone, and too quickly to get a lock on it."

Makoto frowned, but munching on her handful of pretzels prevented a response. It was Venus who spoke then. "What does that mean, exactly?"

"It means that we know Usagi is alive, but not where or when."

The dark-haired girl in the celestial robes scowled at the trio of Senshi, and her clothing shifted from the aforementioned robes to a really slinky black dress/crown ensemble. "How dare you ignore the Dark Queen! I'm trying to be helpful, and you choose to argue about a girl named Usagi instead of getting me ice-cream as compensation?" Power crackled around her, and the Senshi immediately stopped their conversation and gave her their full attention.

Skuld - the Dark Queen of Ice-Cream - nodded to herself in a satisfied manner. Her clothing flickered for a moment as she pointed to the diagram on the blackboard, which showed a stick figure Cthulhu laughing as it grabbed various poorly drawn trucks (each labeled 'timeline 1,' 'timeline 2,' and so on,) and smashing them together repeatedly. "The problem," she began, her clothing randomly shifting between her Goddess uniform and the 'Dark Queen' dress, "Is that several different realities have had a kind of collision. It's all Toltiir's fault, of course. He decided that it would be fun to start screwing up the time-stream by creating all sorts of different timelines with small variations and then letting them unfold however Fortune chose.

"There was a big competition to see who could create the best one, and the whole idea was to create a wildly different timeline with only one small change. I don't remember who won, though. It was either that one with Ranma Saotome and the annoying little pixie, or that one where Rumiko Takahashi actually got a date when she was in college. Think of it as Reality TV for the gods, except dumber."

Jupiter grabbed another handful of pretzels. "So our entire existence is really just cheap entertainment in some contest that a very stupid god thought would be a good idea to have? And we LOST?"

Skuld shook her head. "No. This timeline was created after the contest had already ended. It was never supposed to happen."

"Wait, so none of us were supposed to exist AT ALL?"

"Not in your present state, no. In any case, most unfortunately, the Spawn of Chaos called Cthulhu doesn't care about what's supposed to happen. Also, this timeline existed before the contest. The others were new timelines created for the contest. This... well, Cthulhu made a whole bunch of timelines crash into each other. All of the other timelines involved in the collision were destroyed, but much of their materials were absorbed into this one. Of course it's much more complicated than that, but I'm trying to explain it as simply as possible."

Hotaru frowned. A strange tingling sensation had begun to spread through her hands. She looked down, and her eyes widened. "Ano..." she said faintly, holding up her hands for everyone to see. "Skuld-san..." she trailed off. Her hands were shifting, transforming from flesh and blood to metal and chrome, and back.

Skuld blinked. "Oh he..." she stopped in mid-word, frowning intensely." "Hey, why can't I swear? Sh... God da... fu... fu... that's not fair! I am the Empress of Ice Cream! I can swear if I want to swear!"

Hotaru cleared her throat. The shifting affect had spread now to her arms as well.

"Oh, right," said Skuld, returning her attention to the Soldier of Ruin. "It looks like there's some residual temporal drift. You all might experience some very strange things as the surviving bits and pieces of the other realities try to attach themselves to this one."

Ami shook her head. "We can't just let these other realities latch on and change us into different people. Isn't there something we can do to fix this?"

"There might be, but I'm not going to tell you unless you get me some ice cream."

"Ice cream?" Hotaru asked, her tone filled with disbelief. "Skuld-san, I don't want to turn into a cyborg!"

"Aren't you a cyborg anyways? Or was that manga?" Skuld 'hmmed' thoughtfully. "Is this manga continuity or anime continuity?"

The senshi stared at her, totally nonplused.

Pluto, meanwhile, as emotionless-stony-faced as ever, had called Skuld's sister, and was sharing her concerns with the self-proclaimed goddess of love.

Urd: #So she's calling herself 'Dark Queen Skuld?#

Pluto: "Yes. That and 'The Empress of Ice Cream.'"

Urd: #...#

Pluto: "Yes, I am quite aware of the pun inherent in that title."

-----------------

In the district of Juuban, at the temple the subbed name of which I can not recall but in the dub is called Cherry Hill Temple, at the hour when the warmth of the daytime, cooled by the earth, and sometimes by Saturn, can no longer mitigate the cold of the moon; when the geomancers see their Fortuna Major rise on the eastern horizon, before the dawn, by a way which for a little time remains dark; there came to Asuka a dream.

She stood upon a rocky outcropping over an immense pool of star-lit water; an endless abyss filled with stars. Little eddies and whirlpools of light shot off from it, attaining a brief, precious freedom before sinking back into the pool and dissolving once more. It all looked very familiar, but she couldn't put a finger on where she had seen any of it before. A dark river met the pool, but it was impossible to tell whether it was flowing into it or out of it. Memory lived in that river, both hers and the memory of all living things. Mnemosyne.

As she stood upon the rocky outcropping, Asuka beheld a woman floating in the air above the pool of starlight. Her hair was long, and yellow as the sun on a clear spring day. Her hair streamed in a wind that Asuka could not feel. She wore an ornate white dress, and a golden crescent moon shone on her forehead. Her eyes were shut.

Something about the woman seemed terribly familiar, and the image tugged at Asuka's mind. Something seemed to insist to her that this was important. That this was something she ought to remember. As she watched, the light of the pool grew dim. The stars faded to blackness. The river of memory no longer flowed. All that remained was the woman, now giving off her own light.

Asuka woke with a start, and sat up. The memory of the dream did not fade, as most were wont to do. Her eyes widened as a memory from another life flooded into her mind with an intensity that was almost painful. "... Usagi!"

--------------

Ukyou gave the building a quick once-over. It was definitely a 'fixer-upper.' Some pipes would need replacing, as well as all of the lights. She'd need to buy a stove and convert the back room into a kitchen... but it could work. She just wasn't sure that she wanted to start an Okonomiyaki restaurant. Oh well, certainly she WANTED to, but she wasn't sure if it was wise. She did receive money from her father every month, but it wasn't much, and it didn't go very far. As she stood looking at the old building, and picturing a big 'Ucchan's' sign out front, a tiny, withered old hag came pogoing up to her. She turned towards the old woman, surprised to see her here. "Cologne-san," she said.

"Hello, child."

"What brings you out here?" Ukyou asked.

"I was looking for you, actually."

Ukyou quirked a brow. "Looking for me?"

Cologne nodded gravely. "Child, we must talk." She pogoed into the building, and Ukyou followed.

"The real estate lady could be back at any moment, you know."

"She is of no concern. She will not disturb us."

"All right. What do you want to talk about, Cologne-san?"

"Ranma."

Ukyou flushed red. "What about her?"

"I want to know your intentions towards my daughter, Neptune-san."

"What do you mean?" her voice became guarded. Her identification as Neptune – a fact that she herself had only recently discovered – put her on edge.

"I think you know very well what I mean, Neptune-san. I'm concerned your intentions towards my daughter. Do you mean to start up your old relationship again?"

Ukyou was genuinely puzzled at this, and it showed in her eyes. "Our old relationship...?" she asked. "You mean when Ranchan and I were friends, back when he was still on his training trip?"

A concerned look crossed the ancient woman's face. "Have your memories not even begun to resurface, child?"

"What memories? What are you talking about?"

----------------

"What are you talking about, Asuka-chan?" Luna asked. They were at the temple, and Asuka had been ranting to her and Artemis about forgotten memories for the last five minutes.

"I saw her, Luna! I saw Usagi-chan!"

"Who?" asked Artemis.

A look of horror flashed across Asuka's face. "I..."

Luna grew concerned. "Asuka-chan?"

"I can't remember. I just know that she's important. She needs my help, and I know where she is. I have to go to her, Luna!"

The two moon-cats exchanged glances.

"What did she look like?" asked Artemis at length.

"She had long, blonde hair, a flowing white dress, and there was a golden crescent moon on her forehead."

Luna's eyes widened as memories long dormant began to stir within her mind. "... the moon princess?"

"I don't know. I only know that I have to find her. Will you help me?"

"We will," Artemis replied.

Asuka smiled.

-----------------------

"I'm talking about the memories of your former existence, Neptune-san. The life you lived in the past, before you were sent ahead to this future. Do you not remember any of it?"

Ukyou shook her head. "I... I don't know what you're talking about."

Cologne's concern grew. "I see. Child, will you be so kind as to meet me at the Tendo dojo in one hour?"

Ukyou nodded.

"We will continue this conversation then. This is something that Ranma needs to hear as well, and when you get to be as old as I am, you start to dislike repeating yourself for the benefit of the young."

"I'll be there."

----------------

One hour later found Asuka standing in the command center beneath the Crown Arcade, staring through the glass at the containment bay that housed Sailor02. She had already left a note for her Grandfather, explaining that she would be gone for a couple of days and not to worry. He probably wouldn't notice anyways. Too busy stealing panties, or whatever it was he kept himself busy with these days.

She looked long and hard at the Sailor Suited Evangelion unit in the hope that it would spark some memory – some recollection that would help her. None came. "Goodbye," she said to the Eva, placing her hand on the cold glass. "I'm going to be leaving you behind for a while. I hope you'll be all right here by yourself. I have to find... someone."

An image of the moon princess flashed into her mind once more, and she clenched her fist. "I have to find Usagi."

--------------------

But more than Asuka were found elsewhere in an hour's time. Cologne and Ukyou had both made their way to the Tendo Dojo, where Genma and Soun were busily (and reluctantly) packing their bags for a long training trip.

Cologne pogoed into the main room of the home, and stopped short when she noticed Happosai sitting by the stairs, waiting for his "worthless students" to come down.

"Adam," she said.

"Lillith."

"I'm here for my daughter, Adam. Not for you."

Happosai nodded.

Ranma and Ukyou entered the room shortly, and at Cologne's request, were soon sitting before her, waiting to be told what she had come to say.

"Daughter, Neptune-san, do either of you remember ANYTHING of your previous existence?"

"I ain't nobody's daughter, old hag," said Ranma.

Cologne thwacked the pigtailed girl upside the head with her staff. "I will hear no more of your nonsense, daughter. Answer my question."

Ukyou shook her head.

"... No. I don't remember nothing like what yer talkin' about."

Cologne compressed her withered lips to a thin line. "This bodes ill. You don't even remember who you are? This won't do. It won't do at all."

"Did you really expect either of them to remember, Lillith-chan?" asked Happosai. "Most people don't remember anything about their previous lives, you know."

Both Ukyou and Ranma blinked at that. "Lillith?" they asked as one.

"Hush, Adam. Most people are not my daughter, and this is neither the time nor the place."

Happosai frowned. "There you go again."

"Adam?" Ukyou asked.

"Never you mind, either of you," said Cologne. "What concerns you is this. You need to remember your previous lives, and you need to do it now. I know of a way. It's a long shot, but if you can find the nanban mirror, an ancient artifact of my tribe, you may be able to initiate..." she paused for effect, "The Time-Warp."

Happosai rolled his eyes.

"The Time-Warp?" asked Ranma.

Cologne nodded sagely. "Indeed. Once you find the mirror, initiating the Time-Warp is easy enough. The problem is finding it."

"All right, how do we do it, then?"

"It's just a jump to the left," said Cologne.

"And then a step to the right?" Ukyou asked.

Cologne narrowed her eyes. "Yes, yes. How did you know that? ...Never mind. After that, you put your hands on your hips, and bring your knees in tight. Mind you, it's the pelvic thrust that really drives you insane. But upon completion of these steps, you'll enter the Time-Warp. To Time-Warp again, you must repeat the process."

"It sounds simple enough," said Ukyou.

"Indeed. The primary difficulty is that we don't actually have the Nanban mirror. You'll have to recover it. It was stolen from the Amazons many years ago by a terrible panty-thief, the terror of the countryside for many years..." she trailed off, and all eyes went to Happosai. "A terrible... panty... thief..."

Happosai actually had the decency to blush.

"YOU!"

The old man laughed, and Cologne fumed.

"YOU stole it?"

"I did. Right out from under your nose, I might add! And getting it back from me won't be cheap!"

Ranma and Ukyou exchanged glances. "... what do we have to do?"

"You? Nothing. Cologne here, if that's what she wants to be called, has to admit that she was wrong."

Cologne glared at Happosai. "It'd be a cold day in hell," she spat.

Ukyou blinked. "Ano... what was she wrong about?"

"Don't you dare, Adam!"

"It's the whole reason we broke up, you know. Lillith here insisted on being on top. She said that being on the bottom was beneath her dignity. I was willing to compromise, but she wouldn't hear of it, so she decided to go off and spawn with demons instead!"

Both Ranma and Ukyou turned green at that. The image associated with that argument was... less than pleasant.

"Willing to COMPROMISE? The hell you were! Doggy-style is NOT a compromise, Adam! And Azmodeus was a hell of a lot better in bed than YOU ever were!"

Ranma gagged, and Ukyou looked ill.

The argument began to go down hill from there, each image more nauseating than the one before. Just before the point where the listeners would have lost their lunches, Ukyou held up her hand.

"ALL RIGHT," she yelled, "THAT'S ENOUGH OUT OF BOTH OF YOU! Happosai, Adam, or whoever you are. We need the nanban mirror. Is there ANY other way we can get it from you?"

Happosai stopped short and looked at the young okonomiyaki-chef for a long moment. "... Well... maybe there is..." a slow smile spread across his face, and a shiver passed through the two teenagers.

--------------------

FIVE MINUTES LATER

--------------------

Ranma and Ukyou, clad in nothing but frilly white lingerie, exchanged glances.

"This had better be worth it," said Ukyou. Ranma nodded her agreement.

"You ready?"

Ranma nodded once again, still not sufficiently recovered from the shock of what she was wearing to speak.

"OK," said Ukyou as she held up the nanban mirror. "Let's Do the Time-Warp Again!"

The mirror shone brilliantly, and in a flash, both Ranma and Ukyou vanished.

END EPISODE 12

------------------------------

Comments? Criticisms? Do you like it? Love it? Hate it? Let me know! et's keep it civil, please. Flames will be laughed at. MSTies will also be laughed at, but in an entirely different manner than flames. 8)


	14. Let’s Do the TimeWarp Again, Part II

CUE THE MUSIC!

_Riff Raff:  
It's astounding  
Time is fleeting  
Madness takes its toll  
But listen closely_

_Magenta:  
Not for very much longer_

_Riff Raff:  
I've got to keep control  
I remember doing the time warp  
Drinking those moments when  
The blackness would hit me_

_Riff Raff & Magenta:  
And the void would be calling_

_All:  
Let's do the time warp again  
Let's do the time warp again  
_

--------------------------------------------------

Ranma 1/2: WHY SAILOR PLUTO HATES THE BET  
by P.H. Wise

Episode 13: Let's Do the Time-Warp Again, Part II

Disclaimer: Sailor Moon is the property of Takeuichi Naoko. Ranma belongs to Takahashi Rumiko. Evangelion belongs to Gainax. The Bet concept and the accompanying cast and background of Mimir's Well belong to Metroanime.

--------------------------------------------------

The two girls stood side by side in front of the bed, each dressed in frilly lingerie, and though each was stunningly beautiful, each as different from the other as the morning and the evening. The one had Japanese features, although the brown hair was a little bit strange. The other didn't look very much Japanese at all. Certainly the cherry-red hair and blue eyes didn't do much to give off an impression of her Japanese ancestry. The fact that her facial features, while distinctive, bore little resemblance to any ethnic group on the face of the earth went a bit further in that regard.

Light poured from the hand-mirror that the brown-haired girl held in her hand, and colours swirled madly around them in psychedelic patterns. "ARE YOU SURE THIS IS WORKING!?" the red-head half asked, half screamed.

The brown-haired girl opened her mouth to reply, but before she could utter so much as a peep, there was a terrific flash of light, and both of the girls vanished into thin air. The mirror floated there in the air for a moment, and then dropped softly onto the bed.

As the last of its light faded, another girl, this one fully clothed, with brown hair in a page-boy cut and with a mercenary glint in her eyes, stepped into the room. She stared at the mirror for a long moment as a slow smile spread across her face.

_Narrator:  
It's just a jump to the left_

_All:  
And then a step to the right_

_Narrator:  
Put your hands on your hips_

_All:  
You bring your knees in tight  
But it's the pelvic thrust _

_that really drives you insane  
Let's do the time warp again  
Let's do the time warp again  
_

-CAMERA FADES IN ON AN ESTABLISHING SHOT OF THE GATES OF TIME, SURROUNDED BY FOG-

Tomoe Hotaru stood before the gates of time, peering into the depths of the artifact with a doubtful expression. She wasn't able to make much sense of the images that flashed beyond the portal, but that didn't stop her from trying. She was alone – the others had decided to take a break over at Club Pluto. That thought made her head spin. An exclusive vacation spot for Sailor Plutos from every reality, for those times when guarding the gates of time just got down right tedious.

But there are difficulties with that. If Sailor Pluto, eternal guardian of the gates of time, isn't actually at the gates of time, well... yeah. Technically speaking, to be at the gates of time for even an instant is to be there for all eternity. Technically, terms like 'instant' have no meaning in that place. But whatever the nature of eternity, the human mind interprets its perceptions in terms of past, present, and future. Thus, time exists even here beyond all time, albeit only within the human mind. Or maybe I'm just full of crap. Not that any of this crossed Hotaru's mind. But thinking about Club Pluto DID make her head spin, and after the LAST time they had all gone there, she was determined not to go back.

So. As I was saying before I got sidetracked, Tomoe Hotaru stood before the gates of time. There-within, she did behold so great and many things – like shoes—-and ships—-and sealing-wax--and cabbages—-and kings--. She shook her head, trying to get the image of oysters out of her head. Apparently, standing watch in front of the time-gate could really screw with your mind.

So it was that Hotaru wasn't really sure if she was hallucinating or not when a mass of psychedelic colours came swirling up around her body and went surging into the time-gate. As the colour-storm streamed past her, the void seemed to be calling...

_All:  
Let's do the time warp again!  
Let's do the time warp again!_

---------------

-MUSIC CUTS ABRUPTLY-

-CAMERA FADES IN-

It was dark, but she was safe, and she was warm. For one sweet moment, that was enough. Sensation intruded upon the warm darkness. Silk. Silk sheets. So very soft... and something warm. So very soft. She snuggled closer to the warmth. Consciousness came to her slowly. Unwillingly. She wanted to stay in the warm darkness. But the warm darkness was fading away. Silk sheets. Warmth. Silk sheets against bare skin. With a yawn, Ranma opened her eyes.

For a moment, she stared at the ceiling, not comprehending what she was seeing. And then understanding came. She was in bed – and a bed like she had never experienced before, with silk sheets, feather pillows, and ... her bleary eyes widened slightly as she realized that she was naked, and she was not alone. That warmth... she was snuggled up against someone. Fighting the rising sense of panic, Ranma rubbed her eyes, and looked upon her companion, a sinking feeling growing in the pit of her stomach. Well, that was a relief. She wasn't in bed with a man. She had been sleeping in the arms of a stunningly beautiful (and very naked) woman with shoulder-length, flowing aquamarine hair. The sense of impending doom in the pit of her stomach grew stronger.

After a few tense moments of frantic contortion, Ranma managed to disentangle herself from the arms of the sleeping woman and slid out of the bed. She was in a vast bedroom grand enough to belong to royalty. Jeweled designs decorated the walls, and although the furniture was certainly ornate, it also had a very comfortable look to it. The bedchamber took up only a small portion of the main room, and was separated from the rest of it by a thin curtain. Ranma pushed the curtain aside and stepped beyond. The colours of the ocean seemed to be the order of the day, at least for this room – and it certainly seemed to fit the woman who yet lay sleeping in the bed.

Ranma glanced about for her clothes, but found nothing that looked familiar. Clothing had been laid out for two, but it certainly wasn't HER clothes. Two white garments lay side by side, a peculiar hybrid of dress and kimono. The one was decorated with golden-yellow and blue, the other with blue and a shade of aquamarine that matched the sleeping woman's hair. She shook her head and headed for the washbasin on the far side of the room. 'I must be dreaming,' she thought. She was quick to splash her face with water from the washbasin. OK then. Not asleep. Or at least, dream-water didn't work.

That was when Ranma caught a glimpse of herself in the ornate standing mirror that lay close at hand. Her eyes widened in shock, but they weren't her eyes. She backed away from that strangely familiar woman with sandy-blonde hair. Back. Back through the curtain with eyes wide. The back of her knees hit the edge of the bed, and she fell... only to come down sitting on the edge of the bed. The woman with the aquamarine hair stirred and then awoke.

"Wha...?" she asked sleepily. As awareness came into her vision (and she noticed Ranma, sitting on the edge of the bed, naked as the day she was born), she blinked in surprise. Her eyes flickered to her surroundings, and then back to Ranma. A question formed on her lips, but before she could speak it, there came a knock at the door.

A cheerful old woman robed in green came in without waiting for an answer. As she shut the door softly behind her, a surprised look flashed across her face. "Oh, you are already awake!" she said, speaking with a level exactness that would have annoyed Ranma had she not been totally nonplused by the situations he had found herself in. "Strange it is to see the two of you awake this early in the day." She wasn't even the slightest bit put off by the fact of Ranma (or whoever the owner of this body had been before Ranma had woke up in it) and the other woman's nudity, and went on as if this were completely normal.

'She's not talking to me,' Ranma realized, and glanced towards the aquamarine-haired woman.

The old woman smiled impishly, and the look seemed at odds with the peculiar exactness with which she spoke. "Most times after Lady Uranus spends the night," she said, a twinkle in her eye, "it is nearly impossible to rouse either of you until well after mid-day."

Ranma felt her cheeks grow warm. She wasn't sure exactly what the old maid was implying, but it was probably dirty.

The old woman giggled, and then turned towards the woman with aquamarine hair. "Will you and your guest be coming down for your morning meal, my Lady?" she asked.

'My Lady' looked at Ranma for a long moment. "... We'll be down shortly," she said uncertainly, as though she didn't quite trust her own voice. "Lady Uranus and I have a few things to discuss."

The old woman's smile crossed the threshold from impish to knowing in the blink of an eye. "I will tell the other servants not to expect you until lunch, Lady Neptune. Also, you asked me to remind you that both you and your Lady-Love are due in court this evening, as Queen Serenity specifically asked for your presence." She bowed and went out, and Ranma was alone with the woman with aquamarine hair.

Ranma grew uncomfortable beneath the woman's thoughtful gaze very quickly. So uncomfortable, in fact, that she didn't realize for several moments that the woman had spoken.

"Lady Uranus?"

"Uh... I guess," Ranma replied. "Uh, not ta be rude or nothin', but... um... who are you?"

The woman raised an eyebrow. "After our night of passion, you don't even remember my name? I must not have made as strong an impression as I'd hoped."

Ranma's cheeks burned, and that sinking feeling was thoroughly sunken. "Uh... that is..."

The woman laughed. "Don't worry about it – I'm only teasing. I'm Ukyou Kuonji. ... I think."

Ranma's eyes widened in surprise. "Ucchan!"

Ukyou grinned. "I kind of thought we'd only be observing, and not actually living inside our old bodies. I almost didn't recognize you. Until you opened your mouth and put your foot in it, that is."

Ranma didn't pout. No, she may have made a facial expression somewhat similar to pouting, but she preferred to think of it as a manly sulk.

------------------

The first order of business was to get dressed. After that, with Ranma ready to panic and flail wildly with little or no direction or purpose, Ukyou at least had sense enough to bring up a number of things that were especially pertinent to their situation.

"OK, Ran-chan, we've got some problems," she said.

"Ya think?" Ranma replied.

Ukyou held up her index finger. "First, there's the problem of who exactly we're supposed to be. I suppose we're living in the bodies of our past selves, but beyond that, we don't know much."

Ranma nodded, calming down considerably upon seeing the way that Ukyou was handling the situation. "She called me 'Lady Uranus.'"

"And me 'Lady Neptune.'" Ukyou paused a moment in thought. "So we're nobility, then."

"Do ya think that has ta do with your being Sailor Neptune?"

"Probably. So that would make you Sailor Uranus, then."

Ranma nodded uncomfortably. She didn't much care for that idea. It brought with it all sorts of associations that she really didn't want to think about at the moment.

Ukyou held out a second finger. "Do you see the Nanban mirror here anywhere?" she asked.

Ranma's face fell, and she shook her head. "We're stuck here unless we can find some other way back?"

Ukyou nodded faintly. "Looks like."

They sat in silence for a few moments, then, and so it was that something happened which had not occurred in all the days of mankind, and which perhaps dwarfed in importance even the invention of fire: behind Ranma's eyes, the synapses began to fire, and she had... (ominous music) brace yourselves for this; she had a thought.

"If we're stuck in the bodies of our past selves, where are our past selves? And why didn't the mirror come with us?"

Ukyou blinked. "Ara..." she trailed off, and then shrugged helplessly. "Your guess is as good as mine?"

Thunder boomed ominously.

-----------------------------

-PRESENT DAY, TOKYO, NERIMA WARD-

Nabiki couldn't keep the evil smile off her face as she examined the nanban mirror. Obviously, if it didn't make the trip with you back in time, that put a limit on how far into the past you could go while maintaining any reasonable expectation of being able to continue your life as normal, and while she was well aware of the dangers of paradox, this was too good of an opportunity to pass up.

Working quickly, she took the mirror back to her room, sat down in front of her computer, and printed out her market research for the past three years. She wasn't sure if any of the materials she'd bring with her would actually make the trip, however, and to guard against the possibility that time travel might work Terminator style as opposed to Back to the Future style, she committed as much information to memory as she could.

"Kasumi?" she called, poking her head out the door of Ranma's room.

"Hai?"

"I'm going out for a bit. I shouldn't be long."

"Hai."

Then, after packing for a long journey, with her suitcase in one hand, and the mirror in the other, Nabiki cried aloud, "Let's do the time warp again!"

_All:  
Let's do the time-warp again!  
Let's do the time-warp again!_

The mass of psychedelic colours came swirling up around her, and in a flash, she was gone. There was a dramatic rock and roll chord, then another, and another, building tension and dissonance, and then a final chord segued us back into the time-warp!

_Magenta:  
It's so dreamy, oh fantasy free me.  
So you can't see me, no, not at all.  
In another dimension,  
With voyeuristic intention,  
Well secluded, I see all._

_RiffRaff:  
With a bit of a mind flip_

_Magenta:  
You're into the time slip._

_RiffRaff:  
And nothing can ever be the same._

_Magenta:  
You're spaced out on sensation._

_RiffRaff:  
Like you're under sedation._

_All:  
Let's do the time-warp again.  
Let's do the time-warp again._

-------------------------

It was mid-day when Ukyou and Ranma finally departed the bedroom, and as they left, the old maid gave the pair of them a knowing look.

Ranma wasn't sure what that meant, but she suspected it was probably dirty.

"So," said Ukyou, "When are we to go before the queen?"

"As I said, Queen Serenity expects you this evening. The sixth hour, she said."

Ukyou inclined her head, and the old maid curtseyed with practiced ease. "Will m'Lady be taking her lunch now?" she asked.

Ukyou exchanged glances with Ranma.

Ranma's stomach growled. Loudly.

The old maid grinned. "I suppose I should be taking that as a yes, then." And with that, she led them on. They passed from dazzling hall to dazzling hall, down ornate crystal staircases, through a grand entrance hall, down yet another dazzling hall, and into a small side room where a table was set for two. Ranma didn't recognize any of the food on the table, but it smelled very good.

"If you need anything, m'Lady, you know where to find me," said the old maid, who curtseyed again, and then departed.

Ranma was already eating with gusto.

Ukyou watched the other woman eat, and smiled as she realized that she could indeed see Ranma in this... strangely familiar stranger.

Ukyou partook of the food, which was surprisingly good (and strangely familiar, for food that she had never tasted before in her life), then set her chopsticks down, and met Ranma's gaze.

"Ranchan," she said.

Ranma looked up. She was still shoveling food into her mouth. "Wuh?" she asked between mouthfuls.

"We need to figure out what we're going to do about this meeting with 'Queen Serenity.'"

"Er..." Ranma said thoughtfully.

"Exactly." She shook her head. "Ranma, we've got a problem."

**ASHTORETH. AZ. DEMON.**

Ranma jerked as if struck, and for a moment, her form visibly rippled as though it were a pond into which a pebble had just been cast.

Ukyou's mouth dropped open slightly. "Ranchan?"

"I'm OK," Ranma said, clutching a hand to her head.

**ISHTAR. MOTHER. DESTROYER.**

Another ripple. Ranma fell out of her chair. Ukyou screamed, and the servants rushed into the room, ready for anything. When they saw what was happening, they seemed... disappointed. They exchanged glances and shrugged, and then directed questioning glances at Ukyou. "Is something the matter?" one of them asked.

Ukyou stared at Ranma for a moment, who had finally recovered enough to get back into her chair. "Noth, nothing. I saw a spider," she said.

"Spiders?" one of the maids asked. "Here? How odd. We'll have to have the place fumigated, then. We can't have earth pests here. Not good for the ecosystem, you know."

Ukyou nodded. "See it done."

In short order, the servants filed out, leaving Ukyou and Ranma alone once more.

"OK Ranchan, what the hell was that?" Ukyou asked as the door clicked shut.

Ranma shook her head. There was fear in her eyes, though Ukyou suspected she'd deny it if called on it. "I dunno, but whatever it is, I hope it don't come back. It felt like my head was gonna explode."

That certainly didn't comfort Ukyou much. "Do you think it might have something to do with being in the body of your past self?"

"Maybe. I ain't exactly an expert on the subject, ya know."

Ukyou laughed a short, clipped laugh. "Who would be?" she wondered aloud. And for all that she wanted to devote more time to investigating the subject, she hadn't the first idea of where to begin.

It's a common problem, you know; hardly anyone knows where to begin. You'd be off like a shot if only you knew it were time to go. But no one told you when to run; you missed the starting gun, and now you're having acid flashbacks that take you clear on over to the Dark Side of the Moon.

Where was I?

Oh right. Where to begin.

I suppose we had best begin with the ball.

It was like a scene from a fairy tale; Lords and Ladies, magical princesses and knights in shining armour all gathered into a grand pavilion full of light and sound. A modern viewer might say it looked vaguely Roman in its style, but the natives would have said that their architecture was what inspired the Roman designs. It all overlooked the palace lake, beyond which lay the royal gardens. The Earthlight was bright that night, with the whole of radiant Terra hanging on the horizon, herself adorned in such fineries as to put the entirety of Queen Serenity's court to shame.

Actually, I think we should begin a little before the ball. Yes, that would probably be best. No sense in getting ahead of ourselves, after all.

Right then.

Ranma and Ukyou stared about in wonder. They had known that they were in a palace, but seeing it from the outside was quite a different story. They'd not had much time there before the old maid had returned, giving them perhaps ten minutes to prepare before hurrying them into a great swan-ship docked outside the castle. Now, as the ship gained altitude, Ranma could see the whole of Neptune spread out beneath her. The planet Neptune, that is. She'd already seen the whole of the other Neptune spread out beneath her earlier that day, which, while no less spectacular a sight, is not quite the image I'm looking for here.

Civilisation on Neptune was a magical one, supported on vast floating continents in the upper atmosphere of the gas giant, each one magically empowered to support life. Most of the moons were colonized; Neptune and its moons alone supported nearly a billion sentients, with Uranus claiming an equal number.

A voice interrupted the author's narration, and interrupted Ranma and Ukyou's staring as well. There was a chime first, and then, a male voice spoke. "Lady Neptune, Lady Uranus, we have arrived in orbit and are now awaiting our turn to make use of the Hypergate. We expect a delay of no more than ten minutes."

The Hypergate was a vast circular structure hanging in orbit of the gas giant, around which crowded many countless thousands of starships of every kind, each one awaiting its turn. This was a thriving interplanetary civilisation, and neither Ranma nor Ukyou had ever seen its like.

"You rule this planet?" Ranma asked, staring out the window in shock.

Ukyou stared.

The chime sounded, and the captain's voice echoed through the passenger compartment of Lady Neptune's private ship. "My Lady, we are ready to enter the Hypergate."

Silence for a moment, and then Ukyou started. "Acknowledged, Captain," Ukyou said.

"See you on the far side," the captain said.

The ship entered the Hypergate, and for a moment, the two women felt a terrible kind of 'stretching' sensation; Their stomachs lurched, there was a bright flash, and the light shifted. One moment, they were in orbit of Neptune. The next, the earth filled their view, shining brightly in the great dark.

Neither of them knew what to say.

---------------------

The landing took the better part of an hour, but now, at last, they were standing on the surface of the moon. A green and verdant moon.

Ranma tried very hard not to giggle hysterically at the thought. They were standing ON THE MOON, and the great Lunar palace rose in the distance, the very heart of Serenity's kingdom. And for all the newness and wonder, it all felt... familiar. Terribly familiar. She shook her head and looked at Ukyou.

Although the fact that Ucchan was in an unfamiliar body made her hard to read, Ranma was sure that the aquamarine-headed woman was at the very least taking it better than she was.

They were on the Moon, and Queen Serenity was waiting for them.

---------------------

Creepy Cylon music starts playing

All of this has happened before. All of this will happen again. Those are the first truths every Colonial learns in school. Nabiki was not a citizen of the Twelve Colonies of Kobol, but she was experiencing the truth of the matter. The time-warp faded, and she sat up and looked at the clock. It was one year before she had left.

She raised an eyebrow. She had expected to simply be transported back in time, not transported into her younger self. She looked in the mirror. Yep, definitely younger. It was hard to see, but it was there, mostly in the eyes.

She shrugged, and pulled out her stock information. What? You don't believe that Nabiki would have a stock portfolio at 16? Bah. Of course she has a stock portfolio! It had started simply enough. One day, Nabiki had learned about the stock market in class, and was given an assignment to do some make-believe stock trading. Except with her Father's help, it had been taken much further than make believe... Anyways, it was time to get to work. She began to make notes on which companies to invest in, and which companies to get out of.

The creepy Cylon music swelled, and Sailor Pluto's ever present migraine got a little bit worse.

------------------------

"What did you DO?" Sailor Pluto demanded as she appeared at the timegate, looking downright surly.

Hotaru turned towards the elder senshi and went a little pale. She opened her mouth to insist that she hadn't done anything, but before she could get any further than that, she stopped short and stared at her arms. There was metal where flesh should be.

"I didn't do anything," she managed after a moment, and inside she could hear a voice echoing... More. Until it all turns white.

Pluto took in Hotaru's metal arms and sighed. "Sorry, Hotaru-chan. It's been a rough couple of day. Are you ok?"

Hotaru nodded faintly, and continued to stare at her metal arms.

After a moment, Pluto gave up trying to talk, and instead decided to do her job. She stepped in front of the Gate, looked into it, and then said the only thing she could think to say given this particular situation:

"Oh, fu-"CENSORED TO PROTECT THE INNOCENT.

END EPISODE 13


	15. The Galaxy Cauldron, Part I

The palace shone like a jewel on the lunar lake; spires and domes rising into the night, and both Earth and palace reflected in the lake. Ranma glanced at Ukyou and smiled nervously. They had been greeted at the star port by a small honor guard of royal knights, and now were being led up the front steps and into the grand entryway of the palace. Almost all the structure was silver or white, save where green and growing things grew. Ranma may not have been the most knowledgeable person around, but even she knew that there probably shouldn't be gardens on the moon. She took a deep breath. The air tasted of flowers in bloom, and it wasn't hard to see why; the entrance to the royal gardens stood off to their right as they entered. A young girl, perhaps fourteen years old, with silver hair and a crescent moon on her forehead stood by the entrance to the gardens, watching them curiously.

Ranma winked at the girl when she walked past, and then frowned. She had no idea who that was or why she had winked, but it had felt normal to this body. The muscles remembered, even if the mind did not.

The girl waved. "Hi Neptune! Hi Uranus!"

As they entered the palace, Ranma began to think that maybe, just maybe, they were in over their heads.

The audience hall was a grand affair, filled with nobles and courtiers, with guards positioned at the entrances and exits. Against the far wall, a grand silver throne stood alone. On the throne, Queen Serenity was waiting for them.

The guards escorted them to the queen and immediately knelt. There was an awkward moment then before Ukyou realized that they should do the same and dropped to one knee. Ranma did the same a moment later.

"Your majesty," Ukyou said, faking it as best she could.

"Rise," Serenity said, meeting each of their gazes in turn as they did so. The sheer presence of the woman was almost frightening. Here, in this room, rested Power with a capital P.

Ukyou looked away, but Ranma stared.

Then the Queen smiled gently. "It is good to see you, Diana," she said, looking at Ukyou. She turned her gaze to Ranma, and it cooled ever so slightly, but remained friendly, "And you, Ishtar."

Ranma swallowed nervously. 'I guess that answers what our names are supposed to be.' "Uh," she said, "You too."

Ukyou gave Ranma a look that said 'Let me handle this.' Ranma fell silent.

"It's good to see you as well, your majesty," Ukyou said as politely as she could. She concentrated intently.

Ranma tried to force herself to remain silent. This was too much. She could feel her foot heading towards her mouth. It was on its way, and it was only a matter of time before it reached its destination.

"How can we be of service?" Ukyou managed after a moment.

Serenity nodded. "Straight to business, then. Come. Attend to us, my Senshi." She rose from her throne and walked gracefully through a small door to the right of and behind the throne.

Ukyou and Ranma exchanged panicked glances, and then followed, leaving the crowded audience chamber behind.

The room beyond was considerably less silver than the audience chamber. Earth tones were predominant. Neither Ranma nor Ukyou had any experience in this sort of environment, but the closest thing they could compare it to was a living room. Certainly it seemed a thing more suitable for living in than the audience chamber; here at least were comfortable seats. Serenity sat down on one of the chairs, and her two Senshi sat down next to each other near her.

"The seeds of rebellion are growing on Earth," Serenity said as they settled into their seats.

They nodded as if they had any idea what she was talking about.

"And though your oaths to me as Outer Senshi prevent your direct, personal intervention, I would like to discuss the sending of your ships and soldiers to the aid of your Queen." Her speech pattern was more relaxed here than it was in the audience hall: the royal 'we' was missing.

"Huh? I ain't got no shi..." Ranma trailed off as Ukyou's glare of death silenced her.

"I'm sure we could arrange for that," Ukyou said.

"Anythin' else ya want?" Ranma asked before she could stop herself.

Serenity frowned, looking closely at the two of them. Then she rose to her feet. "Yes, there is. You can answer a few questions."

Ranma suddenly had a very, very bad feeling about this. "What kind of questions?"

"You can start with telling me who you are." the Queen said calmly, though her eyes flashed with anger. "What have you done with Uranus and Neptune?"

"I..." Ranma began, then trailed off. "That is, we, uh..." she turned to Ukyou. "I told you this was a bad idea. Sure, we'll just go right on into the Royal Palace, meet with the Queen, then go back home like it's nothin'. Right. Like anything in my life ever goes that easy."

Ukyou sighed. "What we mean to say is that we're very sorry for deceiving you, your majesty."

The Queen did not appear threatened, only angry. For a moment, Ranma feared that she was going to call the guards in. Then a wave of sheer power rolled off the woman, and it occurred to the normally-pig-tailed martial artist that Serenity didn't need guards at all...

---------------

**PRESENT DAY NERIMA**

It was dark. Night hung heavily over the Hikawa shrine. The full moon filled the courtyard with a faint sheen, and a cold breeze blew through the trees. In the middle of the courtyard, a great silver symbol – a rune representative of the power of the Silver Millennium - had been drawn, stretching from one side to the other. In the center of this symbol, Sailor Mars knelt.

Sailor Mars shivered faintly as the cold breeze blew across her bare legs. These uniforms might provide great protection from physical and magical attacks, but they were still downright freezing on cold nights. "Ready?" she asked.

Luna and Artemis considered the silver sigil carefully.

"What do you think, Luna?" Artemis asked.

Luna made one last careful stroke with her claws, and the mark immediately took on a silvery glow, completing the sigil. "We're as ready as we're ever going to be," she said.

The two moon cats turned to face the Senshi of Mars. "Asuka," Artemis began, "It's very important that you not allow your concentration to be broken. Ordinarily, you'd be given time to grow into your initial power, to learn how to use it effectively before you gained access to more. Since you're not used to channeling so much of it, it's going to be hard to keep control of it. If you lose your focus while traveling through interstellar space, the magic protecting you from the vacuum could fail. Are you sure you want to do this?"

Mars nodded. "I have to go to her. She called me, Artemis."

"OK. We'll start the spell to unlock your higher Senshi form now," Artemis said. "It's going to feel really strange at first, so be prepared."

"Be careful, Asuka!" Luna said.

Mars nodded determinedly. "I will."

The two moon cats took positions on either side of the sigil and began to concentrate intently. After a few moments, the crescent moons on their foreheads began to give off a gentle golden light. Power gathered, swirling around Asuka's kneeling form. The silver sigil began to turn bright, brilliant gold. Runes of power swirled through the air as the magic gathered power, and then the whole sigil flared brightly. Mars's whole body glowed with fiery energy for a moment as her fuku upgraded itself. Then vast wings of flame flickered into being, coming out of her back. She stared at them in awe for a moment.

"Asuka! Now!" Luna called.

Asuka flapped her fiery wings, lifted off the ground, and disappeared into the sky.

-------------------------------------------

Ranma 1/2: WHY SAILOR PLUTO HATES THE BET  
by P.H. Wise

Episode 14: The Galaxy Cauldron, part I

Disclaimer: Sailor Moon is the property of Takeuichi Naoko. Ranma belongs to Takahashi Rumiko. Evangelion belongs to Gainax. The Bet concept and the accompanying cast and background of Mimir's Well belong to Metroanime.

-------------------------------------------

**Silver Millennium**

Lillith's arrival in Serenity's court did not go without notice. Everyone knew that she was powerful, and not a subject of the Moon Kingdom, and so very few had much trust for her wherever she went, but fewer still knew the truth of what she was. Had the known, they would not have allowed her entry so casually. No one announced her. She swept into the palace alone, but such was the force of her will that none dared bar her way.

She was beautiful today. Her hair was dark, and seemed almost to shine in the light of the audience hall. She wore a fine dress typical of the style of the Moon Kingdom, and there was a look of curious impatience in her eyes as she glanced across the hall.

"Lady Lillith!" a nervous guard exclaimed as she entered the audience hall.

Lillith's gaze fixed upon the guard, and he swallowed nervously. She could feel the fear rolling off of this one. Feh. Without a word, she made her way towards the door behind the empty throne.

"Lady Lillith, shall I send word to Queen Serenity that you wish an audience?"

A faint ghost of a smile graced her lips. "No, child. I don't think that shall be necessary. I shall tell her myself."

"But...!"

Sailor Mars stepped forward. "The Queen is busy, Lady Lillith," she said. "You'll have to wait until she finishes."

Lillith gave Mars a harsh look, and the Senshi of Fire visibly wilted beneath the First Woman's gaze. "I am here to see my daughter, Mars, and I know she's beyond this door. Step aside."

Mars stood there for a long moment, matching Lillith's stare. Then she looked away and stepped aside.

Lillith opened the door and went into the room beyond, and the courtiers began to breathe again. As the door shut behind her, she frowned. Her own daughter, Az, and her daughter's lover were floating in the air, bound up in a sphere of energy before the Queen, who was looking upon them both sternly.

"What have you done, Az?" she asked. Her tone was that of a mother who has caught her child's hand in the cookie jar.

Uranus and Neptune exchanged confused glances.

"I did not send for you, Lillith," Queen Serenity said, directing an irritated glance her way.

"No," Lillith replied, "I sensed my daughter's distress." She looked curiously at Uranus, moving ever closer to the sphere. "You don't know who I am, do you?"

Uranus shook her head. "Uh... should I?"

"I am in the middle of interrogating these interlopers," Serenity said, watching Lillith warily.

"Interlopers?" Lillith asked wryly. "Don't you recognize your own Senshi? No. While I am unsure how this could have happened, how she could have possibly forgotten me, this is my daughter. Neither death nor a hundred rebirths could break the bond between we two." She studied Ranma very closely. "Explain yourself, Az."

"Don't call me that!" Uranus said fiercely.

Lillith cackled. "What would you rather I call you? A mother has a right to name her children, doesn't she? Come now. Uranus, then, if you must."

Neptune glared at Uranus, giving the other woman her best 'shut up, stupid' look.

Uranus didn't take the hint. "My name is Ranma," she said.

Neptune pinched the bridge of her nose between her thumb and index finger. "You're not making this any better, Ranchan."

Serenity glanced from Lillith to Uranus and back, shrugged, and took a step back. "They're all yours, Lil-chan," she murmured.

Lillith shot Serenity a dirty look before returning her attention to the two Senshi. "I suggest you explain yourselves immediately. I'm not nearly as patient and forgiving as the Queen."

Lady Uranus and Lady Neptune exchanged uneasy glances.

"If you're the same Lillith that we know," Neptune began, "Then we're here because you sent us here."

"Indeed?" Lillith asked. "Perhaps you had better start at the beginning.

"OK," Ranma said, "It all started when you got all cranky about how we didn't remember our past lives. You said we needed ta remember it all, and ya gave us somethin' called a nanban mirror to send us back here to job our memories."

Ukyou nodded, continuing from where Ranma had left off. "Except the mirror didn't make the trip back with us, and instead of actually traveling back ourselves, we somehow ended up inside the bodies of our previous incarnations."

Lillith and Serenity both studied them very carefully as they spoke, and when they finished, Serenity nodded.

"I see," the Queen said. "I sense no deception in your words. That's good." She looked to Lillith, then back to Ladies Uranus and Neptune. With a gesture, the sphere of energy dissipated, and both Uranus and Neptune floated gently down to the floor. "Reincarnated or not, then, you are still my Senshi. Such bonds cannot be broken by mere death. Therefore I command you, tell me of the future. Tell me of this place you have come from. Are you all happy then?" Her voice grew softer. "Is my daughter happy?"

Uranus and Neptune visibly struggled to resist the command, but discovered themselves unable to resist the will of their Queen. So they told her. They told her all that had happened. The story of their lives, and everything leading up to their use of the nanban mirror.

"Sailor Suited Evangelions!?" Serenity spluttered. "What sort of whacko would dress a bunch of living weapons in Sailor Fukus and expect them to be taken seriousl..." she trailed off and turned a very interesting shade of red.

"So they're not supposed to have fukus?" Ukyou asked.

The Queen shook her head. "The Evangelions are... artifacts. From what our best mages can discern, they were designed by the First People as a tool to bring about a race's Ascension to a higher level of being, and as weapon in the war against Chaos. We've not had any use for them, being that humanity is not ready for such a thing, and we have our own ways of opposing Chaos and her spawn." She glanced uneasily at Lillith. "No offense, Lil-chan."

Lillith smiled faintly. "None taken."

They went on like that for a while, the Queen interrupting whenever it was her wont, with Lillith mostly watching Ranma and her reactions. As their narrative drew towards its end, the Queen frowned.

"My daughter is not among you, then?" Serenity asked.

Ranma shrugged. "I dunno. Ain't nobody running around with a crescent moon on their foreheads at least, 'cept for Luna and Artemis."

The Queen nodded. "I see," she said, clearly troubled. "Perhaps she has simply not awakened yet. Though there is much that sounds... unbelievable. Why would Saturn be awake, but not Princess Serenity?" She shook her head. "I shall have to discuss the matter with Pluto."

"So," Ranma said, "Uh, the whole point in comin' back here was ta get back our memories of our previous lives, uh, your Highness."

The Queen directed an amused look Ranma's way. "Is that your way of telling me 'hurry up,' Ishtar?"

Ranma frowned.

"Ranma, then."

Ukyou shook her head incredulously. There really was no hope for Ranma in this matter.

"Neptune's memory is easily restored," Serenity said. "Yours, on the other hand... is not quite so easy."

Ukyou raised an eyebrow. "What do you mean?"

The Queen looked at Ukyou. "You, Diana, like all of my Senshi, are wholly Lunarian. What's more, like all my Senshi, your soul is the living Star-Seed of your representative planet. In a very real way, you are Neptune, and have always been Neptune, both Senshi and planet. Your Star-Seed was spun out of the Galaxy Cauldron and became a living soul. You were born into a Lunarian body to serve as a Senshi, and have continually been reincarnated for that purpose since before the dawn of the Silver Millenium. And because of your Lunarian heritage, you take to the powers of the Senshi both easily and well. Like all my Senshi, restoring your memory is a simple matter." She looked at Ranma. "Like all my Senshi, save one."

Ranma swallowed nervously.

"You, Ishtar, are different."

"Because of my mom?" Ranma asked.

"Yes," Lillith said, smiling at Ranma. "Because of me."

"Your star-seed was not spun out of the Galaxy cauldron. You were made in a manner altogether different from the normal formation of a Senshi. Unlike Diana and myself, who are descended from the Second Woman, you are a child of the First Woman, Lillith, and of her mate, the Chaos-Spawn Azmodeus." She spoke the latter name as if it carried with it a bad taste.

Lillith nodded, taking over the explanation at this point. "My second husband and I had many children, Ranma." It sounded strange for her to use the name 'Ranma.' "Most of them sons." She smiled fondly. "Azmodeus always was fond of sons." The smile faded, and seriousness returned to her expression. "But of all of the innumerable children we had together, I have only two daughters. Ayanami was the elder, and she was everything her father could have hoped for." Her fond smile got a little starry. "She gave me granddaughters and great-granddaughters beyond the counting of them. But you... I wanted to try something different with you. I went to the Galaxy Cauldron. Right to the very brink of the Zero Star. I took what would someday become the star-seed of Uranus, and I used it to forge the soul of my unborn daughter. You. Or at least, your previous incarnation." She looked at Ranma closely. "But your reborn spirit still bears the mark of my blood. Interesting."

Ranma stared at Lillith, her eyes open wide. "So you're sayin' I'm some kind of demon?"

Lillith laughed, and the sound was like ringing silver. "After a fashion. You've certainly been called that before. You were rather ill behaved before you fell in love with Diana, and came here to join Serenity's Court."

"Now that was a day I shall not soon forget," Serenity said. "A daughter of Lillith come to my Court, asking for admittance." She shook her head. "Fifty years later, the uproar has still not died down. But we linger overlong." She looked to Ukyou. "Come, Diana. I will restore your memories to you. Use them wisely." She headed off towards an adjoining room.

Ukyou glanced at Ranma, then at the departing Queen. "See you in a bit, Ranchan?" she asked.

Ranma nodded.

Ukyou followed the Queen.

"You," Lillith said, "Will need my help to remember. The Queen's healing spells actually accomplish the opposite effect on those who bear your Father's lineage."

"I'm not so sure I want to remember," Ranma said, shaking her head.

Lillith laughed. "Who said you had a choice? If my future self sent you here to have your memory restored, I must have had a good reason for doing it. Prepare yourself, Az."

"Hey, wait a minute...!" and that was as far as Ranma got before Lillith shoved a fist into her head. Her eyes went wide, and she reached up, trying to pull Lillith's hand out, and then...

-------------------

Mist hung heavily over Jusenkyou, drifting visibly around the bamboo poles that rose up out of each spring. It was cold and damp, and no sun could be seen through the fog.

Ranma stood at the banks of the Ayanami-nichuan, staring at her reflection in the spring. For all the world it looked as though there were two girls, one above and one below, and staring at each other; one with red hair and blue eyes, the other with blue hair and red eyes. She frowned, and the girl in the pool remained expressionless.

"So," said a brash male voice from behind her. "Ya just couldn't stay away, could ya?"

She turned. There, once again, stood her male self.

A young woman with sandy-blonde hair stepped out from behind one of the poles that rose up out of the spring, never mind that she couldn't have fit behind it. She walked across the surface of the water, looking the two Ranmas up and down. "You're back," she said.

Onna-Ranma grimaced and shook her head. "Last thing I remember, that Lillith chick stuck her hand into my head... how'd I get here?"

The woman with sandy-blonde hair blinked. "Lillith? That name sounds... familiar."

"Well it should, Daughter," Cologne's voice replied. She materialized a moment later, about twenty yards away from the three. "I'd be concerned if at least some part of you didn't remember me."

Onna-Ranma, Otoko-Ranma, and the young woman all whirled around to face the newcomer.

"Whaddya want, old ghoul?" Otoko-Ranma asked. "Ain't you done enough to ruin my life?"

WHACK "Respect your elders."

Otoko-Ranma winced, rubbing his head.

Cologne looked down at herself. "So this is the form you associate with me, then, is it?" She cackled. "I have to admit, it has its charms. No matter. Are you ready?"

"Ready for what?" Onna-Ranma asked, backing away from Cologne warily.

"Ready for the three of you to become one, of course."

"WHAT!" it was shouted by three voices simultaneously. None of them liked that idea.

"No way am I becoming one with a jerk like that!" Onna-Ranma shouted.

"Yeah, what she said!" Otoko-Ranma echoed.

The sandy-blonde haired woman shook her head. "You want me to give up my individuality for these two? You have to be kidding."

Cologne's eyebrow twitched. "You never had any individuality apart from them, Uranus," she snapped, and then looked at the two Ranmas. "Listen carefully, all of you. I am only going to explain this once. The three of you are the same person. The differences between you exist only here, in this dreamscape; they exist because you think they do. Now stop being such a child and merge already."

Three sets of defiant eyes glared back at her.

Cologne shook her head. "This could take a while..."

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**PRESENT DAY**

Stars whirled around her as she soared through the Black, quickly leaving Earth far, far behind. Power suffused her body. Incredible, unbelievable power. Was this the true power of a Senshi? It felt like the heart of a star, burning within her. Her blood screaming within her, Sailor Mars blazed her way across the Solar System and beyond, her journey every bit as metaphysical as it was physical. Hours passed, though she did not grow hungry or thirsty, with all the splendor and all the emptiness of space stretched out before her. Her concentration was strained nearly to the breaking point, yet she held on, stubbornly refusing to lose; every time she began to lose heart, the image of the blonde woman standing over the pool of liquid starlight urged her on. And on she soared.

Mists began to gather around her, obscuring her view of the stars, and she flew on. It grew darker, darker, and darker still, and soon, the distant starlight was entirely absent, and the mists were lit only by the light of her wings. Time stretched out like a vast ocean, and she lost count of that which was passing. Was it hours? Days? Years? Perhaps no time at all.

Mars's feet touched down on solid ground, and in that moment, she knew she had come home. Zero Star Sagittarius. The mist thinned, and she discerned shapes around her. Gravestones. Gravestones as far as she could see in every direction, some marked with crosses, some marked with Shinto symbols, some with still others. Instinctively, she knew that the markers were her own mind's interpretation of what she was seeing, but what it was supposed to be, she had no idea. Some of the tombstones glowed with a gentle light, but most didn't.

A tiny, glowing purple butterfly emerged from a grave and flew towards her. Mars stared, even though her supernatural senses were screaming at her to flee. She reached out her hand to touch it, and it passed through her as easily as if she had been made of smoke. It felt cold. Deathly cold.

"What is this?" she asked aloud, turning to watch the butterfly.

A voice spoke from behind her, from the space that had been empty a moment before. "You should not be here."

Mars whirled around, only to come face to face with a sailor suited woman with long purple hair and purple eyes. Her fuku was a deep blue, and her skirt was red and black. "Who are you?" Mars asked, resting in a defensive stance.

The woman looked Mars in the eye. "I am the guardian of the Graveyard of Stars. Those that care to address me know me as the Soul Hunter. Why have you come here?"

"I came to find..." Asuka trailed off, uncertain. She began again, falteringly, "I came to find... someone important."

"Someone you lost?" the Soul Hunter asked.

An unknown grief welled up from the deep places of her soul, and Asuka clenched her teeth in an effort to control the sheer strength of the emotion. It felt like... an utterly devoted, hopeless love mixed with sadness, longing, and joy. "I don't remember," she whispered.

The Soul Hunter only nodded, as if that were the response she had expected. "I see," she said. "You may find what you lost here, in this place. Or you may find your death. He is here, waiting for you."

"He?"

"The Voice and the Soul of the Outer Gods. I had thought to drive him off, but he is beyond my power. I cannot collect what he does not have."

"Where is he?" Mars asked.

The Soul Hunter pointed, and off in the distance, Mars began to perceive a distant light - dim, gentle, and powerful beyond measure.

"Thank you," Mars said.

The Soul Hunter shook her head. "Do not thank me. He guards what you seek, and I send you to your death. When he is finished with you, I will return your soul to the Cauldron." She smiled faintly, and mused, half to herself, "I wonder what colour butterfly it will be?"

Mars went towards the distant light and did not look back.

END EPISODE 14

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Author's notes: That chapter was irritatingly serious, and the next one is looking no better. Ah well. I suppose not every chapter can be parody. I have to sneak plot and exposition in there at some point, or the whole thing just collapses.

Next: **The Galaxy Cauldron, Part II**, Wherein we learn of Usagi's fate, Ranma finally transforms into Sailor Uranus, and Mars engages in a battle of wills (and possibly of magical blasts, too) with the Voice and the Soul of the Outer Gods, with the very existence of the Moon Princess hanging in the balance.


End file.
